Help, need some quick advice. H is coming over tonight and trying to decide on addressing something.

It's been 2 weeks since H moved out of OW's house and is living with his son. Still telling me he needs time and not to push him. Has done a couple of "positive" things this week, like calling me at work, but mostly it's been the same old stuff, and him not spending any real time with me (still sees OW at bar every night).

I told him after he left her that I had heard from a good source that she was seeing another man while they were together. Told him my source actually had pictures of them together. Of course he wanted to see the pictures so he could "lay it all out to her" as he put it.

Now my source is not coming up with these pictures as promised. H keeps asking me where the pictures are. He asked me today at lunch.

I am actually starting to get annoyed that he is not moving on with things and dwelling on these pictures. I feel like he can't end it with her until he sees things with his own eyes. If I can't produce these pictures, it makes me look uncredible, not her. I have actually shown him something else in black and white that she lied about, which should make him doubt her word about anything.

My question: should I come out and address this issue, that he needs to start thinking about our relationship and not theirs, and that if he is still this hung up on her, that maybe we should not see each other until he is over it, or is that too big of a LB, and I should just keep up as I have been.

Please answer as quickly as possible before I say or do the wrong thing!!

Personally, I don't think it's an LB, I think it is a reasonable way to address things. It's only an LB if you tell him he's an idiot for continuing things this way. I'd say bring it up. But that is just my humble opinion.

Really, I'd say do whatever feels right to you at the time.

However, if things are already heated, and you can sense that he won't really be listening to you, and that he's also unlikely to really consider your words, maybe put off discussing it until another time when he's in a better frame of mind.

Good luck,

Jen

Do you want him to break up with her because she was with another man, or because he wants to be with you? I mean, isn't it sort of silly in the first place to think that she would be faithful in an adulterous relationship? I think that is downright humorous. I just don't see the relevence of these pictures because it changes nothing.

I would just tell him that your source has not shown you the pictures, but its entirely irrelevent to your situation. When and IF he comes back to you, it should be because he wants to work on the marriage, NOT because the OW is having an affair.

Thank you both!

I do want him back because he wants to be with me, not because she has been with someone else, and that's how I feel, the pictures are irrelevant.

He did not leave her because of this, she did some LB'ing on her own.

I just keep feeling he will not commit to me because he hasn't given up their relationship yet, even if it isn't physical at the time.

He told me he never really had any feelings for her, she was just "fun" and that he "liked her", but he still seems to be connected to her in some way. ( and I don't really believe him about his feelings for her, and I think now HE is feeling betrayed).

I am just getting frustrated at all the ups and downs I guess.

Thanks again!!

I do want him back because he wants to be with me, not because she has been with someone else, and that's how I feel, the pictures are irrelevant.
That's how you feel and it's very undersandable and desirable. However, usually it is more that you're gonna get. Usually they return simply because they know it was wrong and the op starts to love bust. They already have enough problems and then they get crap from op? A little light clicks on and they look back at betrayed spouse and realize the grass is not always greener and they would rather go back and fix it all.

Don't push the issue of WHY he comes back. Simply let it happen (with a few conditions though) and fix what you guys need to.

Ok, just to let you know what happened.

H came over and had dinner. Told him source didn't have pictures yet. Gave him information that was told to me about her OM.

He had his doubts about her faithfullness anyway. Added what Melody said (without saying where it came from) about how can you expect someone having an A with a married man to be faithful anyway.

He told me about who he had his suspicions about and said he told her that if this OM was to leave his wife, she would take off with him. So, he has to see she has no scruples.

I told him this was all difficult for me, that sometimes I just want to tell him to call me when he figures it all out, that I get frustrated and then get mad at myself for it. I told him I love him and thats why I get so frustrated. This was all said in a calm way while we were eating dinner.

He said he knows this is hard on me, and he did say "it will all work out". I told him we need to see each other and be together for things to work, and he did agree. I told him when he goes to the club and she is there, I can't compete with that. He said he's not doing anything with her, which I think I believe. (He is still mad over her LB'ing though).

I said something about wanting him to fall in love with ME again, and he said he never stopped loving me, it was never about that.

He agreed to think about a "date" this weekend, and in general, it was all fairly positive tonight. I am still frustrated, but I am still hopefull.

Thanks again for all the support!