Why should I give my H another chance after having an A? I am beating myself up over this and I am a emotional roller coaster. I found out he was seeing this other W in Jan. I am dissappointed and disgusted with the entire situation. Sex is not even the same yet. We are going to counseling and he cried his butt off when I found out and everything. Still deneying they slept together. I don't believe him for a second!I feel like he is such a liar! I can't believe a word he says! I just don't know what the heck to do to think or anything! Why? How can I tell if he is seriously sorry for the pain he has caused? I quit my job to work a 8-5 M-F job and lost a lot of money because of it. I want this to work that bad!!! But, I don't want to be an idiot either. What to do What to do.....Anyone have any opinions or thoughts?

Hi Jen, sorry it hurts...

Your question was "Why should I give H another chance?"

If I take that to mean "What do I have to gain by giving H another chance?" - then the answer is that you can hope to regain your marriage - and even make it better than ever.

If I take your question to mean "Why does my H deserve another chance?" - then I would have to say that marriage is not about justice and that is fortunate for all of us, because we all have done things that hurt our wife or husband. Without forgiveness, there is no hope for any marriage. So, it's not about whether your H deserves another chance, but whether it is possible to recover from this and build a good marriage with him.

I don't know your story and so I can't predict anything about your H, but if he says he wants another chance, then I think there is hope.

Of course, honesty is required to build a genuine relationship. I don't know if he is lying. Many people do under the circumstances. If I understand correctly, he admits some involvement with another woman, but denies some things. At least you have that much. Eventually, you will need total honesty from him, but for now, the prescription is Plan A. Also, there is more info on on affairs Here.

Tell us more, and you will get more specific answers.

-AD

<small>[ March 04, 2003, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Well, he did lie to me and I had to dig and dig to find out on my own. Then he felt sick to his stomach and yelled and said do you want me to tell you what you want to hear? It blew up and then we slept in separate rooms. Next day I called the woman and she told all sorts of things they spoke about and very private things at that. He says finally that fine! They talked about our marriage. He said he was seeking advice from this woman. Which is BS because she is single, has a son and lived in the same area we did. I was always gone (remember). I cant believe he lied to me and had this secret relationship. He expects me to just forget about it box it up and forget. I can't! I get really upset and this is fresh Jan 17th is when I found out. He says he is paying for it now. I just don't get it. I don't want to be an idiot.

jenhurts,

Because you are in a lot of pain right now, it's hard to make rational choices. Anger drives us sometimes to do things which we later regret. It may take awhile for your H to acknowledge that what he did was a betrayal of you - and even longer for him to commit to making sure it never happens again. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

There are many others here who have been where you are. I'm hoping some of the ladies will chime in to offer you advice.

But for now, my advice is to be patient; take the long view; try to be the person you want to be. Figure out what your H saw in this other woman.

Read the Basic Concepts. .

Slow down, try not to express your anger.

Listen to your H. This can be really really hard. You may have to stop the conversation for a while if you become overwhelmed.

Take it one day, one hour at a time.

-AD

<small>[ May 14, 2003, 05:20 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Taking it one day, one hour at at time is easier said than done. I get overwhelmed often about my H and the other W he had the A with. (I am not familiar with what all of the codes are so excuse me if I just spell things out). You seem so experienced with dealing with your situation for 4 years now. That's strong! We were in counseling and he said I thought you said you boxed it up and put it away? I can't help that the hurt and the anger and the thoughts come up and they overwhelm me and my emotions. I can't help this that I cry and get upset with my H. It's as though he wants me to forget about it. I have a problem with letting go when someone has done something this crazy and selfish. The other woman.. what did she have? Age! I am 26 he is 31 and she is 44. ??? She is not married (divorced) mother with one son. She drove a Jaguar and I drive a Nissan Altima. She had time to give him attention and to listen to him and I didn't. Time and attention is something he brought up. I thought I was working toward a mutual goal with him to buy our first home and to save for a baby. I worked every day all day to meed our first goal. We paid cash for every piece of furniture in our home, paid off credit cards, etc. So, I don't see that she had anything more to offer other than her shoulder to cry on and her time.?? I just can't seem to understand why he didn't feel comfortable coming to me about the issue of him being alone and lonely.

Okay one more thing he keeps using the fact he was closer to his mom. He says his mom always told him to seek advice from his elders due to their maturity and they have been around. I can see this to a point but not in my situation. This woman lived next door to us and she is single with a son. Their relationship was a secret until I found out about it on my own. She was calling and leaving messages for him on his cell phone. I understand I should have trusted him and not checked his messages but I'm telling you I knew something was not right! Then he denied even knowing her and denied any sort of friendship at all. Then I had to dig and dig and I called her and she told me things! Makes me sick!!! So, he still lied to me and I had to pry it out of him! He changed his story about 3 times.

I have a standard piece of advice I give to just about everyone in your situation (its the link in my sig line, if you are interested). For you, I will shorten it: Buy, and read, with your husband, "Surviving an Affair", by Willard Harley. When you are done, come back and ask the question again. You have all the time in the world to divorce, if you want to. Take some deep breaths and get some answers, first. You will be glad you did.

Oh, and Plan A is not appropriate unless your spouse is still in an affair, or withdrawn. That does not seem to be the case in your situation.