Is it okay for a married woman who is in love with her husband to have male friends (old ones-knew before married and new ones-recently met)?

Also, I need help re. a confusing situation.
I befriended a woman at work who is engaged and have gone out with the couple numerous times, but without my husband bc he has no desire to meet anyone new. I enjoy this couples friendship but mostly from the woman, however, everytime she lives a vm for me my husband never hears it. But when ever her husband has left a vm (which I understand is inappropriate)my husband always hears it. This situation has caused major problems in my marriage. My husband now thinks I am having an affair and that the woman doesn't really exist.

I have told the woman that its inappropriate for her husband to call and leave me vm (eventhough he is representing the couple calling) but this conversation did not stop the phone calls or vm's.

My husband is devasted by this situation and doesn't believe anything I am telling him or have told him is true. Its to the point where if I don't call and prove that this woman exists (eventhough my husband has seen her walking into the building at work)he is going to leave me. Part of me has not problems with doing this bc what I am saying is true however the other part of my wonders where his trust for me is?

Does anyone have any advice?

<small>[ March 04, 2003, 08:43 PM: Message edited by: personal boundaries ]</small>

I don't understand. Why wouldn't he hear the VM's when the woman calls? I would most definitely introduce him to the couple. Why wouldn't you want to reassure him in that way? I don't understand. Further, if going out with this couple alone is causing so much trouble in your marriage, why continue?

ths first part of your question,about a woman having male freinds....well this is usually what happens.confusion,jealousy,and accusations.just what your living now.so i think that question has already been answered.by the way it goes the same for married men having female friends.your friends husband should be addressed as just that.your friends husband.it keeps a distance.

your husband has issues with this friendship.cant really say if his feeelings are justified.but he has made it clear what he needs from you.so why not show him?

when a spouce request's an action and the other refuses,it creats doubt.

does your husband have reason to guestion you on this?i mean previous issues of this nature.

i'm not trying to run you off,but you posted this in the infidelity board.it puzzles me why?are you just trying to learn a few things or is there more to this story?sorry if that sounded one sided.i didn,t know how to word it.

Sorry I didn't realize until now that posted this question in the Infidelity category.

There is nothing going on btw me and my friends husband.

To make a long story short, my husband does have some trust issues with me re. friends. My husband has never thought that I am a good judge of character and pretty much dislikes or has gotten rid of my friendships with people. For example, I had this girlfriend from undergrad. that my husband called SWF. When we returned from our honeymoon there were numerous vm's from my friends which completely upset my H bc he found it disrespectful that they did not give us space to just be "us". My H was extremely upset with SWF bc she called the most. From that point on everytime she called or left a vm he would rant and rave for at least an hour about how much he couldn't stand her. Of course, I decreased the amount of calls and my interaction with SWF But I felt like it wasn't enough. It got to the point that we attend couples therapy re. this issue. Eventually, I ended the relationship.

Then there was one of my male friends that my H new personally and who was invited to our wedding. My H would be annoyed when this friend periodically called but not like the previous case. Well this relationship ended bc of miscommunication btw my H and friend that escalated into a verbal arguement and ended with my H telling the friend to never call me again. Okay fine, I support my Husband.

Then there was my brother-in-laws girlfriend who I had no intention on getting to know however through family outings and such we became friends. We were best friends or anything but we would chat on the phone and occasionally go shopping. Well my H and brother-in-law did not like that situation so they forbid us from hanging out or talking on the phone to each other. Okay fine, I support my husband. However, I would still get yelled at for answering the phone when she would call periodic to make plans with my H for the couples outings. My H's response to me getting upset over him being controlling would be "if you crack the door an inch she'll come bursting through bc she has inapprop. boundaries." Bottom line....he still says how much he hates her for changing his brother.

Anyway, now that I have completely comfused anyone reading this. Its not that I have anything to hide re. this couple and I have asked my husband numerous times to meet my friend and her fiance but everytime he says "I have no desire to meet or make any new friends".
I guess the reason why I am so hesitant to grab the phone and show him I am not lying is bc whats the point....so he won't be angry until next time I make a new friend and then we can start the cycle all over again. Also, has he ever trusted me or will he ever trust me. I don't know....if anyone has any ideas please let me know. thanks

To echo a previous posters question, why does your husband only hear the mans voice mails? Why doesn't he hear the woman's?

Invite the couple over for dinner. That way your H can meet them both. I know he does not want to meet new people but inviting them over to the house should be non-threatening to him.

I suspect there are some underlying issues with himself, insecurity perhaps?

Be well.

It sounds like he has some serious trust issues which you aggravate by refusing to reassure him. I guess as long as you feel you are "above" demonstrating your trustworthiness to him, he will continue to suspect you. EVen so, something just doesn't ring true here so I don't how to answer you.

Invite the couple over for dinner. That way your H can meet them both. I know he does not want to meet new people but inviting them over to the house should be non-threatening to him.
Uh, having someone you think your wife is having an affair with come over for dinner would be EXTREMELY threatening!

There's more to this than we are hearing.

agree, Chris.

Hey PB,

Either you had an affair before that your H is pretty sure about (and so now doesn't trust you)or your H is a controlling nutcase. Which is it?

These are your only two options, although they are not mutuallly exclusive.

By the way, it is absolutely acceptable to have opposite sex friends. One of my best friends is a woman I met in college 20 years ago. However, the Rule of Protection must always be in place and maybe your H just does not trust you to stick to that rule. For me, there is never any sexual tension/etc. with my friend... we are just great friends.

Chris,

You are member 160!!! That is awesome. Are you Harley's brother or something? LOL

Very impressive.

Am I the only one that finds pb's H's behavior a bit suspect?

disrespectful judgements:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My husband has never thought that I am a good judge of character and pretty much dislikes or has gotten rid of my friendships with people. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">angry outbursts:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When we returned from our honeymoon there were numerous vm's from my friends which completely upset my H bc he found it disrespectful that they did not give us space to just be "us". My H was extremely upset with SWF bc she called the most. From that point on everytime she called or left a vm he would rant and rave for at least an hour about how much he couldn't stand her. Of course, I decreased the amount of calls and my interaction with SWF But I felt like it wasn't enough. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Then there was one of my male friends that my H new personally and who was invited to our wedding. My H would be annoyed when this friend periodically called but not like the previous case. Well this relationship ended bc of miscommunication btw my H and friend that escalated into a verbal arguement and ended with my H telling the friend to never call me again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">selfish demands:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then there was my brother-in-laws girlfriend who I had no intention on getting to know however through family outings and such we became friends. We were best friends or anything but we would chat on the phone and occasionally go shopping. Well my H and brother-in-law did not like that situation so they forbid us from hanging out or talking on the phone to each other. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Seems to me there is a pattern of behavior on the part of your H to isolate you from friendships - both male and female.

PB, unless you are not being straight with us about the possible affair - or are only telling us only part of the story on these other friend issues, it appears that your H is exhibiting pretty abusive and controlling behaviors. What was the outcome when you went to counseling around these issues? I can understand your sense of futility if you feel you have been trying to earn his trust for years without any success.

Starpony

PS you may want to repost on the emotional needs board?

Starpony, I think the behavior is suspect on both sides. It just doesn't add up.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris (CA123):
<strong>Uh, having someone you think your wife is having an affair with come over for dinner would be EXTREMELY threatening!

There's more to this than we are hearing.[/b]
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Chris,

If there is something suspect about this whole situation I utterly agree with you. But if in fact this post does not belong to the infidelity forum and there are no suspicions from either one, I don't see the harm.

Perhaps, there's more to the story than we see.

utterlyconfused,
But if in fact this post does not belong to the infidelity forum and there are no suspicions from either one, I don't see the harm.
There ARE suspicions from her husband. If you read personal boundaries initial post, you'll see her husband thinks she's having an affair.
My husband now thinks I am having an affair and that the woman doesn't really exist.

Perhaps, there's more to the story than we see.
Which is why I wrote, "There's more to this than we are hearing."

<small>[ March 09, 2003, 11:45 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

Chris,

I'm not disagreeing with your opinion, however, I should say that if in fact there is nothing going on, not even a minor attraction from pb or the male friend, then this is safe, otherwise, I fully agree with you.

There is always the possibility that pb is in denial herself and does not see the danger of having this male friend, in which case she needs to stop the friendship right away.