Hey I have found a program that will allow me to hack into my S computer form any where I am and it will record all her emails and instant messages. DO you think that this is a good idea or should I get it out of my mind.

Thanks, HnG

HG
I don't know what your purpose is, Undoubtedly you could get hurt. If you know you know. I know. I just can't catch. If that is your intent to catch and confront. BECAREFUl

Yeah thats what Im worried about, Im not sure if I want to know whats she doing online so much. But there is no way I could ever let her know what I was doing.

One of the reasons I want to know whats going on is because she says R with OM is over and I dont belive her. Also I want to know how much time she is online and not taking care of kids.

HnG:

You can certainly learn the "dirt" by spying on her. I don't know if I'd be wanting to do that if I were in your situation. At least now. In the not-so-distant past it was another story.

You might want to try "loving the truth" out of her. What do I mean by that? Well, spouses, particularly female ones, can sense when you don't trust them. At least that's been my experience. This suspiscion will build and negatively feed back on your situation, contributing to the worsening of it. If you let go of your suspiscions, or subdue them a bit, and concentrate on loving your W and figuring out what it is about YOU that contributed to the deterioration of your M, you may become irresistable to her, such that she doesn't need the online R anymore. Basically, a good plan A is in order!

regards,
-Qfwfq

Do you have reason to suspect that something is going on? If so, you should do it, because you have a right to know what is going on. It can also alleviate your anxieties if you discover that that she is being straight with you.

I believe that spy software saved my marriage for that very reason. It was the greatest peace of mind I ever knew. I KNEW that he was being faithful and could sleep at night. I didn't have to rely on the "word" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> of an extremely untrustworthy person. [I now consider him trustworthy becasue he has demonstrated trustworthy behavior]

<small>[ March 05, 2003, 12:45 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Qfwfq

You are very right. I think that I knew this deep down but I needed someone else to tell me that it is wrong. But damn Im always wondering whats shes doing and how come she hasnt called or emailed me in a week. But I will be a good boy.

Thanks

HnG:

Obviously, Mel differs. At least apparently! Truth is, I really don't think there's anything wrong with your desire to snoop, so long as you are prepared for what you MIGHT find, and provided it doesn't hurt your ability to do a good plan A. It sure hurt mine on a couple of occasions.

-Qfwfq

What is wrong about verifying the trust you've extended to your FWS? There's nothing inherently wrong about it assuming that your spouse knows that you will be "verifying" - with the vagueness of that up to the individual situation. Would it be wrong to lookup spouse cell phone statement online?

Plan A (or being a good spouse) is not an exclusive choice and should be done already.

The choice to snoop is similar to the choice to take Anti-D. They can help with coping and evaluation of your situation. They can be very helpful towards recovering trust.

Basically, if you are in a situation where you can trust your wife and talk about her online activities, great. But if not, then good boys are allowed to snoop. Be wary of having right/wrong blinders on.

One caveat, monitoring other people's computers (seems like you are Plan B or maybe separated) may be illegal.

<small>[ March 05, 2003, 01:15 PM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

I think Q's situation was a little different. I snooped in order to confirm or deny the affair because I was prepared to take action on it and needed to know the truth. The truth was being wrongfully withheld from me. For Q, I think he already knew the contact was ongoing so snooping would have been redundant and hurtful. Nor did he plan on taking any direct action about it, beyond Plan A. [sorry if I have my facts wrong here, Q!] For me, continued contact would have been a dealbuster and the end of my marriage.

I think that its very important to have ALL the facts about your life and if they are being withheld, you have a *responsibility* to glean them out. Otherwise, you can't know HOW to proceed in your life if you don't have all the facts.

OK you guys now you have me confused. Me ans W are very seperated and as of now she wants a divorce. Right now I am just giving her time to think. Also I am over seas so I dont get to see her and what shes doing. I think that all this internet R is clouding her brain right now big time. Its more of a want to know than a need to know. Like Q said I may not like (more than likely) what I find and Im not sure how I will deal with it. SO SHOULD I OR SHOULD I NOT? that is the question of the hour.

Hng, in that case, I have to say no. That information will not help you restore the marriage in any way. And since she wants a divorce, it would be a huge lovebuster to confront her at this point with any info that you found. This is a circumstance where snooping won't help at all, it will harm. Sorry for the confusion.

HnG,

I am sorry that you are here. However, keep in mind that you are not alone.

Spying is a tough topic. I learned of my wife's A's by just happening upon a file folder of archived e-mails that contained everything. It was pure luck...I never had a clue.

To me, spying was a double edged sword. Yes, confirmation of no contact would have been very comforting but the cat was out of the bag. She knew where I was looking. If she wanted to maintain contact then she would have found another way.

On the other hand, I looked at spying as a real trust buster. Moreover, I could not make my wife do anything. I would ask myself, what if she really is doing what she said and then caught me spying on her.

I spied for a few days and it drove me crazy. I just could not do it anymore. I felt like there was no way for me to prevent her from lying and cheating. I just left it up to her (which is one of the most difficult things I have ever done).

That was my thinking at the time. I can't say for sure what I would have done if I had only suspected the A's. My gut says I would have confronted her face to face. Who knows, maybe I would have spied.

To tell you the truth. If this was our first seperation 4 years ago I would have done it in a heart beat, not even thought about it for a second. But now Im not going to do it. I think this is a sign to myself on how much I have grown up over the past few years. Also its a great sign of patiance for me. You know, all I really want to know is her sign in for yahoo so I know when she is in a chat room, but than agin its her buisness. As long as its not taking time away from my kids than I shouldnt care even thought I know its the reason why shes in the fog. But oh well what can a guy do.

HNG,

It is NOT a sign of immaturity to snoop on someone who is destroying you. There is NO VIRTUE in sitting idly by and allowing someone to destroy you behind your back. If someone is doing that, you would have a responsibilty to investigate. Is it immature to catch an employee embezzling money from you?

The reason many of us told you not to do it is because it is futile in your case, *NOT* because its immature. It is very mature to take steps to find out what is going on behind your back when facts are being withheld. In your case, it would be futile because you are seperated and she wants a divorce. NOW, if you were together and she was lying to you about it, you would have a responsibility to investigate and find out the truth.

There are other cases here where the BS KNEW the affair was ongoing but decided not to confront it, but to ride it out. For them, to continue to snoop would only tell them what they already KNEW, but would cause them great pain to read/see the evidence. In that case, like Jimtex says, it is really futile. Why snoop to find out what you already know?

Again, there is NO virtue in hiding your head in the sand when someone is destroying you behind your back and DOES NOT have your best interest in mind. On the contrary, it is very immature to not snoop and take steps to protect yourself in certain cases. NO ONE has the right to the privacy to destroy you.