Well all….sorry for the month plus wait on a Mortarman update but things have been VERY hectic!! Just Learning posted with Coffeeman and they were right…because of things going on in the world right now and our possible deployment, I have not had one spare minute. Anyway, I appreciate all of you that have inquired about me, so let me get down to the update.

When we last saw Mortarman, his wife was moving home and everything looked to be headed toward recovery. That was somewhere around the end of January. Well, after staying one night with us and showing that she wanted to be there (even said that was what she wanted…that it was time to move home), we had a fall back of sorts. It seems that due to her schedule, she got frantic and got lost back in her studies, putting off the move, and putting off dealing with "canning" the OM. This in turn threw me for a loop, and I Lbed by coming on sort of strong, trying to push the issue. You know what I mean. Saying stuff like "You said you were coming home now." "You have to take care of OM now." And so on and so on. Well, that scared her, and we went through a bad couple of days. But not real bad. We continued to talk, continued to hold on to what gains we had made. She started seeing the counselor about this time, which has also helped tremendously.

The counselor asked at this time if I could just move slowly, that she was scared. She asked if we could just start as "friends" and if I could lay off the pressure. At first I said no, but within a week, I moved into a full blown Plan A. This was the first week of February. By the time we hit Valentines Day, my wife had noticed that I had backed off on R talk, and instead was "there for her." On Valentines Day, the kids and I bought about $140 in flowers, cards, balloons, etc. and left them in her car so she would see them after she got off work at the hospital. When she came out, with another nurse, she saw all of the flowers and asked her nurse friend to come look. Her nurse friend asked her "What do you think OM would think?" My wife told her "Who cares?!" OM, I found out later, did absolutely nothing for her for Valentines Day.

Anyway, we continued talking, hanging out…really getting along. Some discussions every so often, but nothing Earth shattering. This went on for about a week. And then my wife got almost deathly ill (inspired by God??? Hmmmmmm?!). I immediately got off work for the week, and spent the whole week nursing my nurse wife all day at her apartment. I was there for 5 days straight and only headed home after she went to sleep at night. I spent almost $300 on her that week in medicine, a humidifier, a heating pad, food, etc. I gave her massages, went and rented movies for her to watch, and just sat there and read books while she slept. I took her to her doctor's appointments. I really stepped up, as she put it later. After she got better, she admitted to me and everyone else that she would not made it through the week, and would have been hospitalized, if I had not been there. A Harley note: as I look at what I just wrote, I can see that in Plan A, this was a HUGE deposit in the ole' love bank. There was no R talk all week. Just me taking care of her. I thank the Lord for her getting ill because of what has happened next.

Once she was back up and moving, I then got stuck in meetings everyday and most nights with the military over the last 10 days (no surprise for those watching the news!). while this was going on, I still maintained some contact daily with my wife, and she even took over taking care of the kids during a lot of this (first time since she left last August). Well, we were still sort of sitting still, with her telling everyone (including OM) that she was going home, that she loves me, etc. But also mentioned that she couldn't take the pressures associated with working on marriage while trying to finish school (she graduates in May), so she was unsure on how or when to move forward with what she wanted.

I of course was getting frustrated again. But instead of going back into "attack mode," I stayed with Plan A and kept the Plan A assault going, never letting up. She was too close now for me to screw up or let her slide back into her mess.

Well, the second of two key events happened last Friday (the first was her getting sick and me being there for her). A lot of stress for her has been waiting on seeing if she got the job at the ER for a major hospital in northern Virginia. She had applied for it in December, interviewed in January, but had not heard anything. She is in the top of her graduating class, but all of her friends had already heard from the hospitals they had applied to. So, during our "recovery," she was under tremendous anxiety because of this.

Well, last Friday, the hospital called. Not only did she get the job, but she was the first one picked AND she is going to be making $2 more an hour than the nurse she currently works under! She hit a homerun. She immediately called me. She could tell I was as excited as her (this was very helpful!). And once I got off the phone, I commenced to go into a final "attack," seeing this as the final opportunity to get her home.

She was to have the kids Friday, Saturday and Sunday (I had duty all weekend). So, Friday night, I went and bought dinner for the kids and her and I from an expensive restaurant. I went to a local spa and spent $140 for a two hour massage for her. I must have spent $300 in two days on her for this (remember, her number one need is financial so this was all making great deposits). I brought over the dinner and we all ate together. She and I sat around looking at her packet of employee information and talking about how great this will be, and how much money she will make. She even talked about how well we will be doing with our combined incomes (we have had one income for our whole marriage…she was a stay at home mom…and a big problem that caused all of this was financial troubles the last few years).

Anyway, I left and went home. When I got home, I went online and ordered flowers, balloons and a bear (they delivered a bunny though) to be sent to her on Saturday. Well, while I was at duty on Saturday, she called me and was crying. She had just gotten all of this and was just overwhelmed at me making such a big deal out of all of this. When I came by Sunday to get the kids, she again thanked me for all of this and told me that she couldn't wait for all of this to be over and for her to be home. She gave me and the kids a kiss and sent us on our way.

Well, Monday, she calls crying again. She cant believe that she sent us home. She wants to be home. She said her health has deteriorated over all of this. That stress has to be behind a lot of this. We talked for a little while, but she was pretty out of it (long day at school/work) so I told her we would talk later. She said she would call me Tuesday morning on her way to work/school.

Well, she didn't call me until Tuesday night, after she got off of work (last night). She was upset again. I asked her what was up and why she didn't call that morning. She said she had been up most of Monday night thinking and crying. She used these exact words to describe what was going through her mind…"I feel like I am coming out of a fog (can you believe she used this Harley term?). How could I have done this? How could I have risked everything for nothing? I do know one thing Mortarman…I thank God that you have kept my family together and the door open." WOW!!!

She went on to say that she HAS TO get home. That the stress she has isnt from us, but from not being with us. That she cannot wait until May or even until April. She said she wanted to "work out a few things" over the next few days, that she wanted me to go to lunch with her Friday and then to her session with the counselor that afternoon. And then maybe out that night.

She also went on to say how much she loves me and cant believe that I have stuck by her. She said that I am the strongest man she has ever known. And she says she still doesn't understand why I didn't leave, why I still hold onto our marriage.

She was tired again, both physically and emotionally, so I told her to just go to sleep and we would talk more later.

Guys and gals…I know she should have been back in the house 6 weeks ago, but I think that it might have been a mistake then. When she saw me, without her being home, without her having any SF with me, without any guarantee of a future (although she was still telling EVERYONE she was going home), that I was there by her side to take care of her when she was sick, and to celebrate her triumph in her job…I think she finally got over that hump. Instead of just wanting her life back, I think now she wants Mortarman…really wants Mortarman. Even her Mom emailed me today and said the last 4-5 days, my wife has talked about being in love with me (when I nthe past, she just said she wanted her life back).

So, there it is in a nutshell. I didn't expect our recovery to be smooth, but I do know that she has finally taken her finger and pointed it back at herself for the first time. She is now blaming herself for this (I know…she need not do that entirely either…that the reality of the situation is much more gray). So, I believe Friday we will sit down (I even told her Monday that I wanted a plan on Friday on how and when we were going to do this…and she said she would) and map out the move.

There is a lot more to all of this, but I think you get the point. While there was a setback in the beginning back in February, she didn't go running back to OM and I didn't LB too bad. And then a few key events happened. And now…I think BOTH of us are ready to move forward on this. For the first time in all of this, I feel that she doesn't just want to come home, or get her life back, but her motivation now is getting a life back with me. She is finally looking out for me.

Keep up the prayers. They are working!

In His arms.

Mortarman,

I am really happy to read your update.

I have always believed that a person will "know" when the WS has truly reached a place where they are sincere in their commitment to working things out. From the sound of things, your wife is ready.

I don't see the events that you described as setbacks. I see this as a truth from your W. She openly admitted to being confused and feeling a need to explore the reasons for all that happend. Her hesitation I think is a very normal reaction. Fear is VERY hard to face.

I look forward to your next update and pray that you will remain safe during the crisis that our country is facing.....

My co-worker ships off to Turkey in two weeks...It gives me a very clear perspective on how much my family and I lost. I'm thrilled that yours has another chance.

Morterman,

That is so great!!!!!!!

Just wanted to let you know that I've been trying to keep up with your progress since I signed up back in Sept. I just never had anything too add to the wise counsel you already get here.

You "Da Man". May God keep blessing you and Mrs. Morterman.

S&C

MM:

You truly are an inspiration, man!!!

I, for one, didn't expect that when we last heard from you that life would then become all peaches and cream. You've got a lot of work ahead of you STILL, but you're doing the right things.

What woman would leave a man with your integrity and tenacity??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

All my best,
-Qfwfq

Kily: It is so good to hear from you. As always, I wish your X would see the new Kily, that you get the same opportunity my wife is getting to show the real you. You are right...I do feel like this is genuine. I felt that since January. But I also now feel she "gets it." especially with her talking about the "fog" lifting. I have never even used that term around her, so you know she is using it to describe what she is going through. It is scary sometimes how right the Harley's are! I do pray for my brothers and sisters in arms that are already on the move. Who knows, I may have to join them soon, in Iraq, Korea...somewhere. I hope, for my marriage, that this doesnt happen because we are in a very delicate time and need all the time we can get together to begin to mend things. But I do know one thing...it is all in God's hands now.

steadfast: Thanks for the encouragement. And if I am "da man," it is only because of my relationship with Christ AND all of the people here who have kept me on the straight and narrow, even when I screwed up or wanted to quit. For those out there that see nothing but hoplessness, go back to all my posts over the last 9 months. you will see an amazing transformation. God is good.

QFWFQ: Well, you have been one of those there for most of this time and I appreciate it greatly. So many have been there for me and my family, and my wife and I owe many here a debt of gratitude. Soon, I believe she will post here and say the same thing, as I have talked about all of you to her. It really is amazing to actually watch someone come out of the fog. They look bewildered, as if they dont know where they are. Then they look around, see all the damage, realize they caused it, and they begin to feel such great sorrow. I have never seen such sorrow in a person's eyes before. Kily was right...you really do "know" when they cross into reality again. And for those that dont know, I just have to say that their spouse probably isnt there yet.

I am amazed at what God can do. When I left for Bosnia, I left a marriage and family in trouble. When I came home, I found a nuclear wasteland, with all I knew and loved destroyed. I did not recognize the woman that called herself by my wife's name. but starting in January, it was as if God had taken that wasteland and slowly, plants have started growing out of the ground, replacing the desolate land. I know I am sounding weird here, but I am now absolutely amazed at what He is capable of doing.

Even more so is His ability to take two people that showed so much pain and even hatred towards each other over the last 20 months, and turn that around in an instant to have both of us looking at each other with those same looks that we had when we were first in love. There are still scars, and even some open wounds. But what the Harley's say is true. When this is all over, we may actually have a better marriage and be closer than was ever possbile before.

How very strange!

In His arms.

<small>[ March 06, 2003, 10:36 AM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

All I can say is thank God!!

continuing prayers,

ayslyne

Mortarman-
Yours is one of the first stories I read when I started lurking here fall 2002. I'm so happy that you and your wife have made so much progress. As another poster said, you are an inspiration! Thanks for sharing so much with us. BTW, I think you're a very good writer and storyteller. How's the book coming?

Lablady

While M is always a work in progress, there is no denying that the progress you made as a man, H, and father, is indeed spectacular. Your W is a very lucky woman indeed and I hope that she never forgets this (gratitutde is its own sweet reward).

Don't ever stop learning MM. Keep becoming more and more knowledgeable in all areas of life and pass your on wisdom to your children so they too can benefitt from it when they become adults.

And lastly, I too echo the others in praying for you (and all our service men and women) a safe and fast return.

MM,

Boy, is this good to hear. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I am so glad you hung in there and I do think you will indeed get this job done right. I am very proud to have made your acquaintance. Good luck with the near term and with whatever world events throws at you.

God Bless,

JL

Great news MM!!! Having your FWW tell you that she is glad that you "stuck with it" makes you realize that all of the pain and heartache that you put up with was worth it...

Keep up the great work!

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Hi MM,

I am so Happy for you and Mrs MM. This sounds so wonderful. I will keep praying that everything keeps heading down the recovery road.

Good stuff MM! She is taking an emotional risk now (so are you, of course), so make sure she feels safe.
N

MM,
I've been following your story from afar. I just want to say congratulations on "taking another hill". My prayers are with you.

All---thanks for the kind words. As most of you know, this has been a long hard fought battle. But as been said by many here, the war may be over...but that doesnt mean the work is over. It isnt over working on the marriage, or working on myself. But, I do agree that it has been an amazing transormation over the last 20 months since this all started, and the last 11 months since D-Day.

Asylyne: Thank God indeed! Thank you for all of your prayers. we may never meet in person in this lifetime, but I am sure you and I will meet up later in Heaven. I look forward to that. but, while we are still here, let me know if there is anything I can do.

lablady: The book is coming along nicely, especially since I may now have the fairytale ending (books sell MUCH better when they have great endings, instead of disasters!). I will continue to post here, so when it is done, I will let everyone know.

Coffeeman: Too true. As always, you continue to be on the money.

JL: you will never know how much your counsel has meant to me. And even to my wife. She has read many things by you over all of this. Many times she has been pi@@ed at what she read by you and others here. But the truth began to sink in. And for her, she even has quoted you lately when referring back to things that were constantly beckoning her out of the fog. With the truth, it always seemed to nag at her, never letting her get comfortable in her fantasyland. And since the truth wasnt coming from me, she couldnt just arbitrarily dismiss it. So again, I thnk you (and others here) for your advice, for your ear, and for not letting me give up. Even if things hadnt of worked out, I know I would be much better off knowing I tried and I became better. I will continue to stay here at MB, updating everyone. at the same time, I will try to pass on what I have learned through this to others that are going through what I have for the last 20 months.

RIF90: It is so nice to be able to say "FWW!" My wife called last night before bed, telling me what she was talking about earlier that evening with a fellow nurse/girlfriend. Her girlfriend had asked what was going on. My wife told her that she was seeking reconciliation with me. Her girlfriend asked "Do you love him?" Her answer to her was "More than I will ever be able to repay." To hear that made a HUGE step toward wiping away a lot of the hurt/pain/anger of the last year. For so long, you feel like a doormat doing this stuff. You want to quit. You dont see the use. You definitely do not see any changes and they dont happen fast enough if you do. Black is white and white is black. Your history with your spouse is turned upside down. But slowly, if you stick with your plan (the Harley plan), you will see things begin to happen. it is like planting a seed and then expecting it to grow overnight. It doesnt work that way. You plant it, water the ground around it for days, pick the weeds around it...and still see nothing. Do you give up? Well, if you'll keep it up, changes will begin happening below that you cannot see. It isnt until the changes are in full tilt that you begin to see the results. I did not know how much of what I was doing was making an impact upon my wife. both positively, and negatively when I LBed. It wasnt until I learned to trust the plan, and trust God fully, back in December, that my efforts moved things forward with no real setbacks.

Instead of confrontation, I learned restraint. Instead of anger, I learned love. I swore I would show love to her, even when she was hurting me. Even in me pursuing divorce. Even now, she will start trying to rile me up a little...and all she gets is silence. She then asks why I am not talking. I ask her "Do you really want to go there? Is this what you REALLY want? I have told you...I REFUSE to go this route anymore. If you want a discussion, then fine. If you want an argument or a power struggle...well, I will not participate. At first, she was angry because I would not join in. But now, she realizes what I am doing and has even joined me. Now, when I get quiet, she just leaves me alone for a few minutes...goes out of the room and thinks about what she might be doing to me. And then comes back in with an entirely different attitude. And we can get on with our discussion, but this time in a much more agreaable manner.

I so wish I had gotten these points last summer when all this came upon me. but I was too hurt and angry to see straight. And in reality, I had A LOT of growing to do. If Mrs. MM had come back last summer, I doubt we would have made it. I had things to figure out about myself. Things she needed to see about me. And to see about herself. while this should have never happened, I do see god's timing in all of this. And while we had to go through hell for the last year, NOW is the perfect timing for reconciliation and recovery.

I am in awe. Of God. Of those friends around me and on here. Of the Harleys and what they have been able to put together. I am in awe even of myself because I tell you...I have found that I am much deeper than I ever thought possible. And in the end, I have begun to be in awe of my wife (FWW). Because even though she screwed up, I know this has not been easy on her. She sold out EVERYTHING to do what she did. That had to be painful. and the pain and sorrow I see in her eyes now at finally being out of the fog and seeing the damage she wrought is enough to make you want to cry. But I tell you...for all those BS's out there. If you will stick thru your "doormat" status, you may find in the end a spouse that is looking at you with such love and respect that you have never known. And it will be that look that will tell you that you finally have a spouse that KNOWS they have something special.

Thanks again all for everything you have done. Sue, Nick and TM94: I continue to follow your situations and pray for you also. I will not go away from here and will try my best to help support all of you. I pray each of you lean on Christ and that you come to understand that He WILL bring you to where you should be.

In His arms.

MM: Great to hear the update. I have been praying for you. Recovery is not a straight line. Be prepared for more setbacks. I will keep you in prayer.

Hi MM,

Thanks for your kind words. My MIL asked if I wanted her to do a Novena (I think that is what is is called. We are of different faiths). I said what ever you think will help.

You have been through a very rough and trying time. So has your kids. A good recovery for your family would be the best that could happen.

What are the chances of you being deployed? Your W would have alot of support if she needed it to stay faithful from us here.

You and your family take care. Also, graduation is almost here for her. And congrats on her getting the job of her choice.

Hi MM,

HOw is it going?

I was wondering if you were still around. I saw you posted on a few other threads.

Take care

HI there
really having hard time the past few days.. really need someone to watch over me...tears are strating to flow again.. really need prayers and help from allthe friends that you had jelp you..seems that Plan A is very difficult she seems so cold.. pls conatct your freinds Ayslyne, toomuch coffeman, john 39.. all the troops..
you have been a great source of inspiration.,. but I need continued help... pls be my guardian angel..and hve your angels watch over me I need so much help to save my family..thanks.. I only hope that soon I will be able to write you and gve you the same good news you are spreading..

Marathonman,

Sorry for the absence. As you know, things are heating up militarily and I have been pretty busy! I will respond shortly on your thread.

In His arms.