I recently started therapy for depression, and one of the results of my first session was that a realization that I wanted to fix my marriage. The problem is that my wife had no idea that it was broken.

After I made the commitment to myself that I wanted to fix my marriage, I decided that my only path forward was to let my wife know about my infidelity (recently ended) - otherwise, anything that we did to fix the marriage would be based on a lie. This past Sunday, I confessed to my wife that I had been unfaithful to her, and she reacted pretty much like I expected her to react. She told me that I had to leave. So I packed my bag and moved back to my parents' house.

I was really scared at first because I was not feeling anything after I moved out - there was this complete lack of emotion, and it scared me to death. Then I woke up on Monday as a basket case, and I knew that I missed my wife and that I would do anything to earn her love and respect. We have been talking for several hours each day since I moved out, and we decided to try and spend some time together on Wednesday. When I pulled into the driveway that afternoon and saw her face, I saw the woman that I fell in love with (and I feel like I have not seen that person in a really long time).

I really do want to fix things with my wife, and I am the type of person that feels like there is nothing that I cannot do once I set my mind to it. My problem is that while my wife wants to fix things too - she is not certain that we will be able to because of the betrayal.

I hate myself for what I did, and I accept full responsibility for my actions... I don't really know what I am looking for by posting here, but it helps me to see that there are other people that are going through similar situations.

Good Lord!

You sound exactly like my H 7 years ago! (Except I found out just before he could confess)

I made him leave for 3 months. I threw his stuff into a heap in the garage. I wrote poems of myself as a butterfly whose wings had been ripped off and I would never fly again. (flair for the drama, I know)

We are more than recovered ... we are **madly-deeply-in-love-supercharged-recovered**.

So, yeah, I'd say it was/is possible.

It takes YEARS bud, you hear me, YEARS .... at least 2 and probably more.

Read books on affairs. Be there for your W no matter what terrible thing she says to you. Bring your W to MB, I'd like to "meet her".

(((( HUGS )))

congrats for being a REAL MAN!!!!!!!!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

bjm1:

I'll vouch for that 2yrs+ to recover. My W had a 12-yr A (or 2 As with the same OM over 12 years). I found out over a year ago, she didn't confess. She asked if I wanted her to leave on D-day, and I said no. It's been a very bumpy ride and we're far from out of the woods, yet, but if you hunker down and brace yourself for the long haul, you'll learn things about each other and yourself that you never would have learned without a crisis like this to force you to learn.

Stay the course,
-Qfwfq

I am trying to give the W space to do what she needs to do and to come to terms with my actions, but at the same time, I really want to go home again.

One of the things that W has mentioned to me is that she needs to fall in love with me again, and I am scared that the kinds of things that I want to do may be overkill. She wants me to prove that my intentions are true and that I am not doing this because I am scared of being alone. I love her, and I would do anything to help rebuild the trust that I violated through my actions.

I do not even know where to start, although the therapist that I was seeing for my depression says that our ability to talk to one another is a really good start.

Start by reading the articles about infidelity on this website. Start by getting a counselor that specializes in recovering from infidelity. The Harleys are very good at what they do, and though they cost more per hour, you'll find that they're more "efficient" than most counselors and will save you money (and quite likely your M) in the long run. Also, counseling is still going to be far cheaper than DV, no matter who you go to.

-Qfwfq

This board is full of good people, BS and WS alike, that have good advise and are a blessing when you need badly needed support.

You can start to prove your love for your BW by telling her that you are 100% accountable to her and meaning it by answering ALL her questions with patience and kindness. DO NOT get defensive during the times when she gets the normal triggers (these are a normal part of the BS's healing) and lashes out at you. Your actions will eventually get thru to her and slowly she will begin to trust you and open her heart to you. But DO NOT expect that this will happen overnight, for it will not and you have to be committed for the long haul by being patient and understanding with her.

Good luck.

bjm1,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am scared that the kinds of things that I want to do may be overkill. She wants me to prove that my intentions are true and that I am not doing this because I am scared of being alone. I love her, and I would do anything to help rebuild the trust that I violated through my actions.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Under these circumstances, I'm not sure there is such a concept as overkill <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Show her you love her and show her consistantly, often, even extravagantly. Talk about remorse, where you see you went wrong, ways that you want the two of you to work together to make this a great marriage.

I'm nearly 3 years into recovery, H had an 18 month PA, 7 separations, I served D papers, started dating (bad idea).

And, I just want to say that even if the recovery process does often take 2 years...improvements can come in 6 months, more at a year. Even in the early days, some days might be ok, even good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

It's day by day, you don't have to do the whole 2 years all at once! If you have kids, it's like the toddler (or teenage) years, if you knew everything you'd go through...you'd have a lot of dred, but as you go through it, you manage, you cope, you change, and you love them.

You've got the right attitude, add recovery type behavior (accountability, counseling, trustworthy effort, no back sliding, compassion for your W, the MB 4 rules of successful marriage) and you have a really good chance to have a recovered marriage.

W is talking to the therapist right now as a preliminary before we actually start our couples' therapy, and I have to tell you that I am scared to death. We have expressed our love to each other over the last several days like we have not done in years, but part of me is scared that she is going to come to the realization that she and the kids are better off without me.

I hate it that I did not look into this website before I had my A because there are a lot of ideas that I could have used to prevent the problems that I am currently experiencing. I feel like we are both doing all of the right things - we are buying and reading the same books and we are having frequent conversations - I just wish that there were more that I could do.

Click on the link in my signature line. It answers the "what to do now" question. It was written for BS's, but applies equally to WS's.