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Hello everyone, Miss you guys (Ark, thanks for always checking in...)
I haven't posted in a while but I read often when I can't sleep which is fast becoming a regular occurrence. I pray for all of you that are new here. As many brilliant veterans have told you, the stories are the same. I used to never believe there was WS script...I used to always wonder if what my WS said to me, did to me was "normal". I read many of your stories and feel your pain in my bones. The thing that is the most eerie is that there is little difference between stories in many cases. Sad but true.
Triggers...they're awful lately. My H has done nothing legally YET but it's fairly obvious he still wants out and "will never come back to me". Said so tonight and not because I asked. I never ask anymore. Today was just a hard day. I don't want to be "here" without him but I am. My H says he was waiting for me to be more "accepting" because the little feelings he does have for me keep him from doing it. Very thoughtful and sensitive of a man who once claimed everlasting love and fidelity.
Hm...what else did he say that hurt? That he's going to videotape family events without me to let me see what I'm missing. Also said something about a stepmother for my daughter. Whoa...sent me over the edge inside so my reaction was a controlled disappointment. Never used to be so controlled. Also said that he just wants this divorce so that he can get on with his life. Who's stopping him? Can you believe he agreed to coming with me to a lawyer if I set it up yet he's threatened many times that the papers are coming...yet he's never been on his own.
He's still angry most of the time that he's around me. Sometimes he's indifferent or seems to be...it appears that he no longer cares about me or anything to do with me.
He's really gone. Still hurts like hell but this pain somehow, has made me BETTER in ways. I appreciate things like I once used to and forgot to...I listen more, I kiss my daughter every moment I'm with her, I look for opportunities to change, I look to GOD so much more...so as painful as it is sometimes to see a transformation of what once used to be love, I've grown.
Thanks to all of you.
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Yes, the WS talk is so real. I know, still hear it quite regularly. But it does do something good for you. Like in the sermon last week. Pain and hurt, does make you turn your life towards God more. I have prayed so much, and found a great church. I love hearing my pastors sermons. And what he says is true to heart.
Yes, the WS talk in babble also. They really don't know what they are doing. And one day it will become clear to them that the way they talk is so uncaring, and selfish. But until then, we are their punching bag. I basically, hang up on my husband now. I don't want to deal with it any more. And I don't need to. So I hang up, cause if he talks respectful and not uses the kids against me, I am fine. But I have found boundaries, and I need to move on. I still love my husband, and I feel he loves me. Like our lawyers said today, we both are having a hard time disconnecting. We both are, cause there is love for each other.
Pain, if you took each letter would be - Please
Alleviate It NOW!!!!! You will grow with the pain, and become wiser, and richer in mind. Good luck.
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Hello Faith, How are you? You sound somewhat better. Interesting what you say...WS's always DO sound so very real and convinced. It's interesting that your lawyers notice that both of you are still connected. Funny how everyone notices except for the WS.
Thank-you. My prayers are with you.
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Terrified,
He may be angry or act indifferent, but he's still pushing your buttons, like telling your about videotaping without you, a stepmother for your daughter.
I wonder if he isn't pushing you to be the one to file, so that at least on that one point he isn't the bad guy? He can say, "well SHE filed, not me".
Otherwise, if he is truly indifferent...his anger doesn't make any sense.
I'm so sorry that you have to deal with his anger and disrespect.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Terri}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
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i been reading your thread and I feel for you, but I think instead of feeling hurt or sad or both in this case I think you should be angry at him for what he is doing not only to you but to your child, use this anger in a positive way and fight for yourself in other words (your sanity) and detach your caboose from this runaway train distance yourself from him. If this was your daughter would you want her to take this abuse from her spouse. Put your self outside of the box. I really think you should work on yourself right now and not let him get to you. If any thing I think you should pity him. If this is the kind of life that he wants let it be. I want to send you two links from another site please ck them out and read. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=3690http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=3677P.S. When I say to use your anger, the anger that I talk about is the fact that she did not ask fro any of this yet she suffers from the fact that her father is out of the house, that he is not there full time and that is of his choice, that fact that the longer he is gone the more damage is being done to her. I know that she is pretty young and may not fully understand whay is going on but, she knows. He is missing so much time that can never be replayed or recaptured. It will either haunt him and play on his mind or it will show the true depth of his character, and I think that will show YOU his true nature.H
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Hello everyone, Just a quick update...my H called to apologize about everything he said to me. When? He goes to hockey every Friday night. The phone rang at about 10:30 and I was upstairs with D so I couldn't answer. Apparently it was him but he called again on Saturday to leave a message telling me he was sorry for the terrible things he said. He mentioned that "I know deep down he didn't mean any of it" and that I "push him to get to the boiling point". Yeah, right. In the second part of his message, he asks to take D on the Saturday night. Well, he saw his D four nights of five this week so I politely said No...angry but not verbal abuse this time. Do I feel bad? Yes. D blew out a candle today so I told her to make a wish? The response? For Daddy to come home, Mommy. Lor, Nice to hear from you. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He may be angry or act indifferent, but he's still pushing your buttons, like telling your about videotaping without you, a stepmother for your daughter. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, he's certainly pushing my buttons. Hurts like hell when he does. I often wonder why he wants to or needs to...if he was happy with himself or his life, would this still be the course of behaviour? Hello SS, Thank-you for your reply. I am often angry but how do I STAY angry...or better yet, is it according to MB principles to be just plain mad? Sometimes, I become a little confused on this theory. Thanks and hugs to all.
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So good to hear from you friend... Not good to hear he's still the same.... makes me wanna play that Bob Seger song .. "Still the Same."..especially the ending... I caught up with you yesterday....... I just turned and walked away. I had nothing left to say... cause you're still the same..." OOOOPs!! now I do realize that barry mannilow never did that song...sorry!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> If I were you..I'd put a big blank white peice of of paper on the fridge...and every time he says something mean...and he is mean...like his vidoe taping comment I would walk over the paper without saying a word and put a big slash for each mean thing he says... If he asks what you're doing ...tell him you are a grown woman tired of being told mean/hurtful things in her OWN home...and each time he comes in your house and says something mean...you plan on keeping track...and when it REACHES a CERTAIN number of you having enough mean things said to you.....You will no longer have those persons that are mean to you in YOUR home... Tell him it's your Lenten Plan <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Tell him for lent you have given up taking mean crap from anyone.... ENOUGH about him though... How are YOU... This winters been a tough one...dark days...lots of cold...can't wait to get out in the sun Why not look into parents with out partners..or divorced seperated groups....just to get out and be with people...and surround yourself with those that understand what you are going through... Why not see if you can't get some consistant childcare one night a week and you go out and do/join something... You know terrified in some ways...you have carte-blanche to do what you want....I mean it's not like anything you do will make him mad...since ANYTHING you do already makes him mad..... I would seriously think about not letting him in your house anymore...especially since the meaness continues...and the setting boundaries with someone even if they perceive it as lovebusting is to bad. there is nothing wrong with any grown person on this earth saying to another grown person on this earth..."every time I let you in my home...you say mean hateful things...and i have thought long and hard about it...and I don't care to have a person like that in my home anymore....I have had enough You might even consider plan B...you actually may find a lot of freedom from stress and pain...what's the worse he will do...get mad...or maybe face reality???!!!! Blessed lenten season to you terrified... think about ways to protect yourself from him think about ways to make him feel the reality of what he has chosen. wishing you much luck and serenity ARK
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Dear Ark, I shouldn't leave this for so long. You always manage to make me feel somewhat more human which is another rare occurrence these days. You sound good which means you're probably enjoying life despite the cold temperatures. Okay, I concede. Bob's song is perfect. But how about Barry's "Even Now...when I have come so far. I wonder where you are. I wonder why it's still so hard without you..." And I love your fridge idea... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If I were you..I'd put a big blank white peice of of paper on the fridge...and every time he says something mean...and he is mean...like his vidoe taping comment I would walk over the paper without saying a word and put a big slash for each mean thing he says... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I mean, really LOVE this idea. You have me LOL, okay? And the Lenten reference? Absolutely perfect for a practising Catholic like my H!! I'm looking to escape this winter with my D and take her south. I'm a little hesitant about this since I don't want to take her alone but I think "alone" is the best thing for me and for her. I'm sure we'll make new friends so I am looking for some kid-friendly destinations. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> think about ways to make him feel the reality of what he has chosen. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't you think he's already felt the reality in many ways? Thank-you for asking about me. Thank-you for caring the way you do.
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Terri, Disney World is perfect for traveling with a little one. Shuttles from the airport to the resort, shuttles within the resort to where-ever you want to go. And, if you are tired, you go the hotel, when you get up, stuff is still going on, usually even in your hotel itself. It's just fun. Shoot, now I want to go <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .
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NO WAY...has this guy had a mark of reality... LOOK at his apology even... (YOU)"push him to get to the boiling point"....well twelve year olds are about the only things walking on this earth who pretty much by that type of caa-caa... Nice apology...him as a grown man CHOSE to say mean things...and even when he apologizes...it really wasn't his fault... somehow you went into his brain formed the words...sent the signal to his vocal cords...forced his lungs to exhale so the air moving through the cords would form mean words....yep terrified..how dare you MAKE him say mean things.... yeah he lives in reality.... How much time has he spent fixing up his place for daughter... how much time has she spent there... how much time does he watch her so you can play hockey EVERY Friday night.... how much time has he spent in a lawyers office..since he wants this so bad... hire someone do the lawn work this spring...and bill it to him... there's reality, seperate the man from his mower... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> YOU should feel more human than him.... HE is soooo out of touch...don't let his "reality" become yours.... you do not make him do a thing..... oh he gets me in a twitter... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> come on...just post is phone number once...I won't call him...TO MUCH!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> just a thought.. no just kidding.. ARK
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Hi Terrified,
Oh well, at least he speaks like a true WS--blame, blame, blame, even in his so-called apologies...
Hang in there and if I were you I would just tell your daughter the truth, that daddy won't be coming home (if that's the case), then at least she will have some truth to cling to.
My heartfelt prayers are ever with you!
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Hello everyone, How come that sinking feeling in my stomach comes back to haunt me every once in a while? I cringe every time I hear the phone ring because I hate when it's my H...he seems colder these last few days. Don't know why. Asked me today whether the appt I made with the lawyer for "us" is on or off. Also wanted to receive in an email what I'm prepared to give in terms of custody. Actually sounded really cold in his voice mail. Hi Lor, Actually, I am looking into Disneyworld. Great idea. Just hate the thought of travelling with my daughter alone. Did you know that travel cates to couples of groups of four? Whenever I say one adult and one child, it seems like a hestitation on the other end. More costly too... Hi Ark, In order to get through today (and every other day), I have to reread your posts. Makes me forget about how low I could be or really AM feeling. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nice apology...him as a grown man CHOSE to say mean things...and even when he apologizes...it really wasn't his fault... /QUOTE] Of course...it's always me. That's why I didn't feel "comforted" by his apology. In fact, I didn't acknowledge it. [QUOTE]How much time has he spent fixing up his place for daughter...NONE how much time has she spent there...NONE how much time does he watch her so you can play hockey EVERY Friday night....YEAH, RIGHT how much time has he spent in a lawyers office..since he wants this so bad...NONE </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you believe any of this could wake him up? Do you believe that I need to push him into this reality? The only way I can do this is through a lawyer, right? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hire someone do the lawn work this spring...and bill it to him... there's reality, seperate the man from his mower.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOVE THIS ONE...absolutely on the mark with someone like my H who used to be so PROUD of his lawn and his mower!!! Lots of Love Hi BIN, My H is all about the BLAME game... Re:my D, I don't know what the truth is about her father anymore. Nothing wrong with hoping and praying... Thanks for all of your replies and prayers!
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Hello everyone, How come that sinking feeling in my stomach comes back to haunt me every once in a while? I cringe every time I hear the phone ring because I hate when it's my H...he seems colder these last few days. Don't know why. Asked me today whether the appt I made with the lawyer for "us" is on or off. Also wanted to receive in an email what I'm prepared to give in terms of custody. Actually sounded really cold in his voice mail. Hi Lor, Actually, I am looking into Disneyworld. Great idea. Just hate the thought of travelling with my daughter alone. Did you know that travel cates to couples of groups of four? Whenever I say one adult and one child, it seems like a hestitation on the other end. More costly too... Hi Ark, In order to get through today (and every other day), I have to reread your posts. Makes me forget about how low I could be or really AM feeling. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nice apology...him as a grown man CHOSE to say mean things...and even when he apologizes...it really wasn't his fault... /QUOTE] Of course...it's always me. That's why I didn't feel "comforted" by his apology. In fact, I didn't acknowledge it. [QUOTE]How much time has he spent fixing up his place for daughter...NONE how much time has she spent there...NONE how much time does he watch her so you can play hockey EVERY Friday night....YEAH, RIGHT how much time has he spent in a lawyers office..since he wants this so bad...NONE </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you believe any of this could wake him up? Do you believe that I need to push him into this reality? The only way I can do this is through a lawyer, right? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hire someone do the lawn work this spring...and bill it to him... there's reality, seperate the man from his mower.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOVE THIS ONE...absolutely on the mark with someone like my H who used to be so PROUD of his lawn and his mower!!! Lots of Love Hi BIN, My H is all about the BLAME game... Re:my D, I don't know what the truth is about her father anymore. Nothing wrong with hoping and praying... Thanks for all of your replies and prayers!
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Maybe I skipped over the answer accidently so again I ask:
WHY AREN'T YOU IN PLAN B?
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Hi Terri, Asked me today whether the appt I made with the lawyer for "us" is on or off. "H, the appt is for me. You'll need your own lawyer." In reality, he doesn't meet with your lawyer along with you, he has to get his own representation or meet with your lawyer as his own advisory. The lawyer can only represent one of you, especially if you aren't likely to be in full agreement on terms. You could go to mediation together, but you shouldn't share a lawyer. And when it is is none of his business. You can procrastinate just as well as he can, with even better reason, since you don't particularly want a divorce. Actually, if he expects to go with you, it almost seems like he hasn't checked into the legal realities & procedures of divorce? Also wanted to receive in an email what I'm prepared to give in terms of custody. Terri, nothing in writing, ok? Especially about your daughter. That's part of what the lawyer is for, to advise you on how to get what you want for terms, so you don't inadvertantly give up, or agree to, something you didn't intend. Remember your H making your daughter repeat "full custody"? Be wise & wary. You could do possesions if you feel comfortable, (it's just stuff) but custody, no. Unless you feel it's time to wrap it up, go ahead and drag your feet on everything. Even tell him you've changed your mind, or that you're taking some time to think. It could prod him into action, but if not, what's he going to say? "Think faster" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ? Did you know that travel cates to couples of groups of four? Whenever I say one adult and one child, it seems like a hestitation on the other end. More costly too...I know trying to travel with 5 is a bummer, but it seems like 2 people would often travel together? The last few times we've flown, we've gotten our flights and some hotels through Hotwire.com, though we've used Priceline too. It's unbelieveably cheaper. I loved Disneyworld. Compared to a lot theme parks we've been to, it was so clean and the staff helpful, friendly and, well, you could find them. <small>[ March 11, 2003, 04:50 PM: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</small>
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Dear Terrified,
I just want to say I think you are doing so well - I learn a lot from watching your thread - in so many ways, your H is so much like mine, and although we are still together, and my H is still "trying", there are times when I have very little hope. Therefore, I keep an eye on your thread, because I feel in my heart that I may one day be trying to cope with a situation like yours.
I want you to know how much I admire you - I can feel your loneliness and sorrow for what you feel you have lost - but I am often shocked at how abusive your H is, and I wonder how you can put up with maintaining contact with him. I understand that it is for the sake of your daughter, and also that you still have some hope that he may change - but I hope someday, you will see that you are a beautiful person who deserves to be loved and treated like a queen, not put down all the time and blamed for his unhappiness.
I am also Catholic, and so is my H - I can relate to your sense of betrayal - I also feel that - that my H openly presents himself as a "good Catholic", dedicated father and family man, church-goer, when behind my back, he is having EAs. I don't know if this rings a bell with you, but it seems to me that the only way my H can justify his own behaviour is to blame me for it - he thinks of himself as such a good Christian that he can't admit that he is capable of sin - IF he sins, in other words, it is because I drove him to it - the blame is so vehement, because HE couldn't possibly be guilty of betraying his religion so profoundly.
Well, I just wanted to say that I admire your strength and perseverance - you have good support here and I hope that someday, you will come through this and find someone who will love and appreciate you for the beautiful person you really are.
LIR
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<small>[ March 12, 2003, 12:08 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>
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Your H says: "Terri, I'm going to videotape family events that don't include you so you can see what you're missing." Terri answers softly and with a little wink <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> : "Yeah, me too. I'm going to videotape all the family time you're missing here at home, but I'm going to watch the tapes with my daughter." ....In a perfect world he wouldn't be an *******. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
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T-
Have you considered traveling with another single mom... 2 mom's - 2 kids? YOu would have loads of fun!
When are you going?
Hugs, H
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Terrified: <strong>.......Hi Lor, Actually, I am looking into Disneyworld. Great idea. Just hate the thought of travelling with my daughter alone. Did you know that travel cates to couples of groups of four? Whenever I say one adult and one child, it seems like a hestitation on the other end. More costly too... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Terri, Maybe we should hook you up with someone from the GA area. She has a young son. U 2 young moms and the children might have a great time together. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> She is an MBer,posts on the d/d site and has been a great help to me. She gave me a great pep talk a couple of nights ago. Had me almost rolling on the floor in sitches. LOL!! In fact some of your situation is similar to hers. She is also a great gal. I will mention it to her. Do you have an e-mail addy? If you want, send it to me @ MBOrchid@hotmail.com. I don't want to commit for either one of you, just making a suggestion. By the way, thanks for your support on my e-bay thread. I am in deep thinking about my sitch right now but do get to read a bit. take care, L. <small>[ March 12, 2003, 12:08 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>
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