This has to be, bar none, one of the worst days of my life. Scratch that, it's been a really lousy couple of years... a culmination of bad decisions and circumstances that, coupled with today's news, makes me feel like I'm drowning. I know a lot of the bad things that have happened in the last couple of years are due to choices that I've made along the way; and I'm willing to accept the consequences for that. I've been working my hind quarters off trying to change the direction of my life. However, that's a LOT of hard work and seeing your faults and actually fixing them really fills up one's plate, emotionally speaking. So, when something else happens, there's just no room for it. I know I said I wasn't going to come back here, but I need help~ and I don't know where else to go.

I found out this week that I have tuberculosis. It's a risk that's associated with the line of work I had previously decided to go into; and I knew that. I just never thought I'd contract it. I've spent the last week notifying friends and family that need to know (because I'm not 100% sure for how long I've had it.. it can stay in your system for awhile and not neccessarily be active), seeing doctors and coming up with a course of treatment. This past morning, I finally got up the nerve to tell my husband.

It went ok; but I made it out to be no big deal... I don't want to stress him out with so much already going on in his world right now. I'm starting on three different medications that I get to take for close to a year... and of course, they have all sorts of fun side effects like: changes in vision, clumsiness/diziness (I'm already no Grace Kelly), fatigue, severe intestinal cramping (which will be made worse by the fact that I have a partially paralyzed intestine and I will not be allowed to take the medication I need for that, as it renders the INH less effective), marked weight loss, insomnia, numbness in hands and feet, upper abdominal cramping, and a couple of others that are just a little too gross to mention. Unfortunately, I've never really done well with medication and I'm truly afraid this isn't going to be any different. My doctor is nice and all, but he just doesn't have the time to sit around assuaging my fears when he's got so many other people with much more serious problems than mine to deal with. I've been feeling really puny lately; to be honest, I'm not sure I can handle this.

I really, really want to run away... kind of the pattern of my life. I've been fighting the urge to just jump in the car and drive for hours like I've always done when I've had issues that felt too big to deal with. But, it doesn't solve anything and it would make my husband question where I've been (something I do NOT want him to go through), so I've stayed put. I WANT to talk to Mr. Calypso about this, but I can't. He can't handle this and I KNOW it. But, at the same time, I'm afraid of the damage I might be repeating in our marriage if I don't talk to him about it. See, I was told in 2001 that I had cancer (turned out the doctor was a quack and was lying through his teeth, and yes we are suing him for it) and had my ovaries removed. My doctor told me to "avoid stress" and so I didn't really talk it over with my husband then, like I should have... I leaned on another man for the support and strength I should have been turning to my husband for. I'm not worried about doing that now; but I'm worried that I'm doing him a diservice.. honestly, I'm worried about EVERYTHING right now and it's kind of hard to think straight.

A big part of what bothers me is that I feel like I have to "be strong and just ignore this." Not the treatment, but the associated fears and side effects. I feel like it's going to make everything different. My work, my children, schooling, my business, my relationships with everybody... how is this going to affect all of that? I'm learning that I'm something of a control freak and the not knowing is driving me crazy.

I don't know exactly what I need, but I need something. I don't know how to handle this with my husband, but I do not want to do him another disservice through all of this... I just don't want to get him all depressed again, either~ because then it's just another thing I'm going to have to "handle." How do I deal with this with him? How do I handle this with myself? And, if it's not too much to ask, would you please pray for my family and myself? We could really use it right about now. Seriously, any thoughts or suggestions you might have would REALLY, REALLY be appreciated about now. Thanks~ C

I've had a little bit of sleep, but I'm still pretty confused. Ok, I tried to talk to my husband this morning and I got an "I don't need this right now, I have much more important things to focus on this morning." And he's right; he does. My sense of timing is WAAY off (he has a pretty big test today~ he's pursuing his Master's degree); so I backed off. It's just, with our life as hectic as it is, is there ever really a good time? If there is, how do I know when it is?

Thanks

Calypso

I've dipped into your story from time to time, and know you to be a FWS like myself. I always feel a bond with fellow WS, but admire how you have always been so articulate in what you say, and how well you have dealt with your situation.

I am soooo very sorry that the current twist in your life is such a painful and difficult one to deal with. With everything else you have to deal with I can't imagine how hard this must now be for you.

OK, so your timing wasn't good with your H - I was always lousy with my H on timing. However, you are making assumptions about how your H will or will not deal with the situation - OK, I know you know him best, but sometimes people surprise us. This is a very serious and worrying situation for you, and you need to rely on him to help you get through the fears you have - you need to do this together. Do you honestly think he would rather not know how you feel? Surely it would be a worse fear from him if you ran away from this and more difficult for him to deal with?

Pick you time right, sit him down quietly and tell him exactly what you have told us her - explain how frightened you are of the drugs, your condition and what it all means. Tell him you are scared that you don't want to burden him and understand he has a lot on his plate, but you need him to help you through. Tell him, you are so confused, scared and worried that you even thought about getting in the car and doing a bunk, but KNOW that this is not the answer to your problems - he is and his support and love.

Calypso, I will be thinking of you during this hard time, but stay strong and wishing you well from London.

Lisa

P.S. Don't forget that the boards are very quiet at the weekends, so bump your message up Monday if needs be.

Calypso I am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in, but remember that you are committing a love buster called disrespectful judgement.

If your H was willing to stay married to you after surviving the devastation of your A, why wouldn't he be there for you on your hour of need?

Please think this over.

Lisa- Thank you for your kind words and your support. I was driving myself BONKERS; to see something supportive and to have a gentle push in the right direction was JUST what I needed this weekend and really helped me continue on with the commitments I had made. BTW, happy belated birthday.. I wanted to post ON your birthday, but I had already said I wasn't going to post anymore, so.... anyway, I hope that you did have a good one (despite the circumstances).

I talked to him again, after his big test and after my conference and he still pretty much said he didn't want to hear about it. So, ok, after 3 attempts in 4 days, he still can't talk with me about it... so Ok, I won't bring it up again. If and when the medicine starts to make me ill, THEN I'll discuss with him how to deal with it. Until then, I guess I'm just going to pray. I mean, what else can I do, right?

2MuchCoffeeMan (love your name; I feel the same way! lol)- Thank you for your thought provoking post. In a sense, you're right, I was (may still be, even). I was assuming that talking to him about this beyond the surface level (of course, I had already TOLD him I had it), would send him into another depression. This wasn't meant to be disrespectful (he has a unipolar depression disorder), but I can certainly see how it appeared that way.. which means it could very well have appeared that way to him, too. Good thought; because of it i did not try to handle him with kid gloves.

In another sense, you're wrong. There was no question that he'd "stand by me." I didn't think he'd leave me over it. In fact, I know he wouldn't. He'll still do everything he ever has done and be the responsible husband. Unfortunately, I'm starting to think that we've got two very different definitions of what our responsibilities as spouses entail and, from time to time (like now), it causes friction.

As for the standing by me then, there wasn't really much of a question about that, either. He stood by me because (in his words), he was glad I was willing to build a marriage with him; after everything he had done, he certainly didn't expect me to. We didn't have your situation (actually, as I think about it, I don't know your situation, so I probably shouldn't have said that).. it wasn't like I just decided to run off and blindside him with this other man. He had betrayed me, been unfaithful, and done many other really horrific things first. Is it a justification for me? No, and I never tried to make it one. I considered my marriage to be "over" before I entangled myself in the affair... and I considered HIS PRIOR ACTIONS to be the cause of the demise of our marriage (there was my downfall, because it WASN'T over, I was still married and still had a responsibility to my marriage that I shunned). So did he.

Regarding "devestation", this is probably going to come off sounding bad, but: there wasn't a whole heck of a lot of "devestation" for him. At that time, we didn't even LIKE each other, we were married in name only for financial reasons more than anything, and his comment regarding the affair was "I can't believe you'd do that, but not a three-way." Oh yeah, BIG devestation. Do I think he's an [censored] for it? No... I recognize that we didn't have any kind of real marriage then; I wouldn't EXPECT for him to have been devestated. Doesn't justify my actions, by any means; it's just what was. So, I don't use that time frame to gauge what his response to anything would be. Because we're vastly different now than we were then (and that's a good thing).

~

Although, on that note, I'm a little suprised. When we made the decision to build our marriage (I don't say "rebuild" because I don't think we built much the first time around... we consider the "old marriage" to be dead; we're building a NEW relationship with each other); he was much more understanding and supportive of my feelings for the FOM than he is about this illness. I don't understand that AT ALL. This isn't a good situation, not one I'd choose to be in; but it doesn't seem nearly as bad to me as when I was struggling with still loving the other man (and then vollying back to despising some stunts he pulled and wishing I'd never met him). That, at least to me, seems like a HUGE ego buster and I'd understand him avoiding that. But he didn't; he WANTED to talk about that with me. So why not this?

<small>[ March 10, 2003, 09:26 AM: Message edited by: TheCalypso ]</small>

Hi Calypso

Glad to see you back and still fighting. Sorry the talk didn't go so well though - DOH MEN!!! Oops, I shouldn't say that as someone will jump on my case, so I was only kidding <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well, you've tried. I wish it could have gone better, but I seriously don't understand why your H is having such difficulty with this, and as you say, could have been so supportive of the A and working on your M. Is it something about illness, or does he find it difficult to support you whenever you are having a problem? Does he expect you to be the "strong" one in the R. Perhaps you could give it a little time, and write him a note trying to explain where you are coming from. It does seem odd though that he could be so supportive in some very difficult respects but not at other times.

Even though you haven't been coming here much, remember that people here can be wonderfully supportive and caring. At times, during last year, I honestly don't know how I would have coped without MB, although now I think I should be moving on. Don't really know why, but hey!

Take care and wishing you well from London.

Lisa

<small>[ March 10, 2003, 05:12 PM: Message edited by: TheCalypso ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TheCalypso:
<strong>Ok, for anyone who's curious:

Bad thing to say to your wife who's going a little nutty with worry over an illness: "How are your hormones doing? Is it about time to have that checked??" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good thing to say to your wife who's going a little nutty with worry over an illness: "Honey, I know you're busy and stressed; I'll make dinner." (my EN met)

Good response for a wife who's been a little nutty with worry over an illness: "Sounds great! Thanks... and after dinner, let's play on the computer." (his EN met)

Anyway, I've decided that talking isn't his thing. Never has been; but I can tell he's trying. 2much, maybe I misunderstood you the first time: maybe he IS supporting me... he just does it differently?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

duplicate post, how'd I manage that????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

duplicate post, how'd I do that AGAIN!!!

TheCalypso,

I think you are missing somethings here. First, I think you really need to get a second opinion concerning the diagnosis and the course of treatment. If you haven't done that you should do so. The net is a good place to find the information you may need. Not all Docs are created equal as you now well know.

Second, I think you need to engage your H in this process and in addressing your decisions concerning medication if there are choices. Make it a problem for him to help you solve.

Whether he NEEDS this or not, it is here and he needs to participate in the process to the extent he can. I don't think talking to him about it with your head over the toilet is the optimal time to speak with him about this. But, I think he needs to understand that YOU do have control of it, but you would like is comments, feedback, suggestions. You want him in on all of that. It need not take a lot of time but he must be part of it.

I can sort of sense his reaction is that which most men get when the W says: "We need to talk." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> You do need to talk, but what you should probably say is "I need your advice on somethings." Which is really what you need. Of course a little TLC probably wouldn't hurt would it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

As someone who had TB as a child, I understand your concerns, but you can heal and if you take good care of yourself with regard to eating and sleep, your body can do a lot to overcome the disease. I am NOT saying don't take the medicine, I am saying help it out as much as possible.

I wish you the best, and I hope you can engage your H in a bit of problem solving.

God Bless,

JL

Could there be a possiblity your husband is scared aswell?

Men dont generally like to admit these things.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dinotopia:
<strong>Could there be a possiblity your husband is scared aswell?

Men dont generally like to admit these things.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good point.