I would like to hear from everyone who is cohabitating or has cohabitated with a spouse in the past. Why are you living together?? What are you trying to accomplish in the relationship by living together before marriage etc..???

Good question. Also, if you don't mind, I would like to know about their christian beliefs in this living situation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would like to hear from everyone who is cohabitating or has cohabitated with a spouse in the past. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did! I lived with my H for approx 5 years before we got married. We've been married 6 years (almost 7, anniversary is 3/26).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why are you living together?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cause we're married, silly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Why did we live together so long before we were married? It was mainly for financial reasons. He was going to a University and I was working. Being married would have limited his access to financial aid (they would have taken my income into account) and we wouldn't have been able to afford for him to finish his degree. We got married in the March before the May he graduated.

Not to mention the 'marriage penalty' associated with taxes. It was a difficult time for us financially and every little bit made a difference.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What are you trying to accomplish in the relationship by living together before marriage etc..???
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Putting him through school? Getting on firmer or at least somewhat realistic financial footing? I'm not sure what you mean by this question, actually.

I think we both wanted to be married much sooner but we had to wait until we were able to afford it. We discussed getting married anyway, but that would have made it so much harder for us to achieve our goals and complete our educations. We had a deal, you see. I put him through college and then he puts me through college. He has his degree and a good job and I am currently working on getting mine.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Also, if you don't mind, I would like to know about their christian beliefs in this living situation.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We're both atheists.

[edited to add]

Just out of curiosity, why does it matter (christian/nonchristian beliefs)?

<small>[ March 08, 2003, 07:42 AM: Message edited by: myschae ]</small>

If your son or daughter was 18 and came to you and said....Mom...I want to live with my boyfriend for awhile until we know if we are "good" for each other.. What would you say to her???

I lived together with my ex before we got married and it was one of the worst decisions I have ever made. Living together did not end our marriage, but I feel that Cohabitation undermines marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If your son or daughter was 18 and came to you and said....Mom...I want to live with my boyfriend for awhile until we know if we are "good" for each other.. What would you say to her???
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, we're also childless by choice and, as it turns out, biology (I found out last year I couldn't have children even if I wanted to.. good thing I don't want to, eh?)

But I get the gist of your question. My answer would be it depends...it depends on the person. Frankly, I think 18 is awfully young to be making that type of commitment to a dating relationship. Let me put it to you this way - I'd probably be more open to the idea of cohabitation than I would to marriage at such a tender age BUT I would most likely try to strongly discourage BOTH. See what I mean?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I lived together with my ex before we got married and it was one of the worst decisions I have ever made. Living together did not end our marriage, but I feel that Cohabitation undermines marriage.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry your marriage didn't turn out the way you'd hoped it would. That's sad in any case. I can certainly understand why you would have your opinion on Cohabitation. I don't happen to agree or feel the same way because my experience has been quite positive.

I'd be interested in your answers to the questions you asked. Why did YOU live with your xW? What were YOU hoping to accomplish by living together before marriage?

And what, if any, impact do you feel your religious beliefs had or didn't have on the outcome?

My first H and I didn't live together but dated for 3 1/2 years. Still got divorced.

My New H and I met, started dating 2 weeks later, moved in together 2 weeks after that and got married 4 months after meeting. So far, it's working out much better than the first year of my first marriage.

The reason we lived together was because we wanted to be together as much as possible. And we didn't want to get married sooner than what we did! LOL

If one of my sons wanted to live with someone at the age of 18, I would let them know that it won't be easy and that it will be just as difficult as marriage. I couldn't stop them though if they're 18.

My fiance and I have waited a while to get married...wanted to be sure it's what we want. We also have waited for financial reasons.

I think age makes a difference. I wouldn't advocate living together for teens...but we are in our mid-30s. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am Catholic, and I do believe...although I do not actively practice my religion by going to church, etc. Am I not welcome here, unless I am a certified, Bible-reading, "real" Christian?

(I deeply resent the "Christian beliefs" remark, and feel it's uncalled for. OW are allowed on these boards...but BS who aren't religious, are not? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 05:28 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Stray..

I never said that you weren't welcome here because of religious beliefs etc...??? Where did that come from?

When you asked your fiance why he had an affair while he was engaged, what did he say?? I am just curious..

Hopefully, he has discontinued all contact with the OW...

Mitzi..

Its not about controlling what your kids would do. Its all about setting a positive example. 2 weeks?????? This is a record for cohabitation. WOW! Did you even know his last name when you moved in??

I hesitated, at first, to contribute to this post, but then decided to respond because I think I can jump to the chase.

This is not really a question about co-habitating as much as it's a question of values and beliefs.

If positivebryan had asked instead, "Why does anyone believe that co-habitating is square with their beliefs?," or, "Do you believe co-habitating is OK for you?," the other responders wouldn't have had to justify the practicalities of their particular choices.

The real, bottom line question is, "Why do you believe differently than me?"

For the record, my XW and I co-habitated for several years, in our late twenties, before we married. We gradually merged our finances and even bought a house together over that time. Talk about commitment! Signing those mortgage papers as legal partners was, for us and for all practical matters, more of a "committment" than a couple 18 year olds with little legal consequences getting officially married.

So a fair question to someone like me would be, "Then why get married at all?"

I can't speak for my now XW, but I think the answer for me was that it was the societal, traditional thing to do and it represented the final statement - not the first one - that we were committed for life. By our prior actions and accomplishments we had demonstrated our compatibility and devotion - we had studied and done our homework - and the marriage tied it all in a bow. It was within our belief system to do so. It may not be within everybody else's.

Finally, it was the step necessary in our society to legally bond us.

Let's face it - marriage is primarily a legal proceeding. I believe God would recognize vows recited on the beach at sunrise in his full view just as much as in a building before another mortal in a robe.

In my belief system, co-habitating is an extension of the process of ensuring you're right for each other. Clearly, not everyone agrees with this, and that's the way belief systems work. One size does not fit all.

I bet that those who have a different belief on this would likely also believe that marrying a mail-order bride right out of the box isn't "right", either.

Additionally, I think the question of co-habitating really boils down to the question of premarital sex. I believe this question is confronted LONG before discussions of co-habitating take place. After all, I co-habitated with my college roommate - another guy. Everybody was just fine with that. No, we didn't have sex! It wasn't even discussed! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Well, at least not with each other!

So, what would I say to my son if he announced he was going to move in with his girlfriend someday? Well, by that time I plan to have long discussions with him about love, sex and emotional committment. I will advise him of the general pitfalls and responsibilities as well as any specific concerns I might have for the particular circumstances. If there are good reasons to do so, I will advise him NOT to live together. But I will not advise him to not do it just because he's not married. That would make me a hypocrit.

Bryan,

Yes, I knew his last name and a lot more about him than I did about my ex after dating him 3 1/2 years. I never thought my ex would turn into the abusive person he did. I never thought he would leave and not see his children.

With my new husband, I KNOW he won't treat us bad, and I knew that from the beginning. It was a gut feeling. We celebrated our first wedding anniversary yesterday and things couldn't be better. There have been NO arguments between us and he's done an amazing job stepping in and being a father-figure to my sons.

I think me living with and marrying a man rather quickly who is good to us is a better example to my sons than seeing their father beat their mother on an almost daily basis.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm going to take a backwards spin on that one: Cohabitating prior to marriage, why DIDN'T we do it? (We both lived with our parents right up to getting married.)

1) We are both Christians. But we had premarital sex, so that certainly wasn't the only reason.
2) Parental pressure from my H's very Christian parents. It simply wasn't allowed.
3) We wanted to be able to tell our children that we had not cohabitated.
4) It's pretty much a proven fact that those who live together before marriage have a higher divorce rate (sorry, I don't have a source to quote to back me up, but I've heard this many times).

But, I figure it's all up to the individual. I'm not against people living together before marriage. Although, I do think you should at least have the promise of marriage (be engaged) in mind before you move in together. I know many people who have gotten engaged, gone house shopping, and then ended up living together for a few months prior to the wedding. When you're 30, who cares?

Just my 2 cents worth,

Jen

From what I’ve read, couples who live together before marriage are something like twice as likely to divorce once married than those who do not. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. My guess is two fold… the first is that they build a relationship based on a non-marital model. So when they get married they change and are not ready for it. The second is that people who live together out do not value traditional values as much. They are more likely to divorce when things get tough.

That said, it works for some and not for others.

My first husband and I lived together for a year before we got married. The day we married he changed. Up until that day we were inseparable. After our wedding day, he and his male friends were inseparable. His model of a husband was that of his father… never home.

I lived with my ex for 5 years before we married. He was not easy to deal with then. But once we married he turned into a toxic version of his dad. He never hurt me physically when we were living together. Within 3 months of our marriage the physical abuse started. Why? I think because in his mind boyfriends do not abuse their girlfriends. But like his dad, husbands abuse their wives.

One thing I realized after we married is that the living together hurt our relationship. He never truly felt committed when we lived together. He saw others behind my back with the excuse that he was not married. I’ve heard many co-hebetating men say this. It seems (in my observation) that men feel less committed in cohabitation then in marriage. His affairs, earlier in our marriage, were with women he was seeing when we cohabitated. It was a pattern that started early and never ended.

When we lived together our finances were separate. After we married he did not want that to change. I became a problem as our marriage went on. He did not want joint finances.. as he wanted the independence of it. But he also thought that everything I earned belonged to him and his mother.

Why did I do it in the past? Because I was convinced that there was little difference between marriage and cohabitation.. only the paper. I’ve learned that is a naive stance. Because I thought it was a good way to find out if we’d work out in marriage. That did not work either. Both of them changed significantly immediately upon assuming the role of husband. Their of them took cohabitation as seriously as I did either. We were after all, as they said, not really married. They were still single men and could do as they pleased.

My new husband (STL) and I married and did not live together before hand. But all in all this marriage is a whole lot better.

I would never live with a man again. Nor would I suggest it to anyone else. IMHO, you are either married or not married. There is little learned from cohabitation that translates well into marriage.

I must be quick, and hopefully will get my point across:

I met my ex in February, 1980 and we were married by April, 1980. We didn't live together, I wasn't pregnant, and the marriage lasted 20 years. Hey, we even met on a blind date! Not much there that would earmark a success, eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I met my current (2nd) husband in June, 2000, and on November 1, 2000, we were living together. We married the following June.

Why did we live together first? Well, we loved each other, wanted to be together, but weren't sure we wanted to get married. We *could have* dated for awhile, but frankly, we'd met on the internet and lived thousands of miles apart... we wanted to be together, and we weren't kids (both over 40)... so we 'threw caution to the wind' and just did it. It felt funny, sort of, because I lived with my *boyfriend* at 40, but... in the end, it didn't take long to realize we wanted to be together forever anyhow... so we got married.

Hope this helps your 'survey' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My husband and I lived together for 3 months prior to getting married. It was easier than me moving to his city and getting an apartment (and all of the accompanying expenses) for such a short period of time. We were both in our 30's and it was more important and easier to be together and get our paperwork together.

If we had an 18 year old child who came and asked, no doubt we would advise against it. If we had a 30 year old "child" who came and asked, we'd offer our opinions.

Religiously? Not really an issue. He's a Muslim and I'm Jewish. If we were so religious (and both of us USED to be quite orthodox in beliefs), our relationship wouldn't exist.

So, in essence we lived together prior to marriage because we could and because we wanted to do so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Crayongirl..

Thanks for your message. I respect your views, but I think many people choose to live together for the same reasons you did. Financial, Convenience etc.

Wishing you the best..

PB,

I wish you all the best, as well~