I can't find my post so I'll try again.

I’m new here and I am in desperate need to hear someone’s opinion on my situation. It’s a long story so I’ll try to keep it short.
I’m married 22 yrs. Most of those years were very happy ones but like most marriages we had our ups and downs. We got though all of them and I believe we are happily married. (At least that’s what my wife tells me). I know I’m not a perfect husband but then who is.
O.K. here’s my situation, about 6 yrs. ago my wife went back to work after 10 plus years at home. Every thing was fine until about a year ago. I noticed she was not herself. She would work late all of the time, go to more if not all company functions, and go out with her friends more. So now I’m asking her all the time is everything O.K. and her reply would always be fine and that she loves me very much.
Now I’m paying more to her every move. I noticed that all of a sudden she is obsessed with working out and losing weight, dressing nicer, wearing sexy lingerie
, contact lenses, nail manicures ect. Now I’m paying even more attention to her every move and in the meantime I’m treating her like a queen and giving her what I think she wants.
During this time of getting closer to her I noticed she would mention this coworker of the opposite sex in our conversations more often. I’ll call him Chuck.
Now for the 22 yrs. Of marriage she would flip out if I even worked in the same building with someone of the opposite sex. Not just that but if another woman would pay any attention to me I would pay the price. So I feel I have the right to tell her I don’t like her to talk to Chuck on a personal level. She told me it was work related conservations only and I have nothing to worry about. (LIE #1)
One day my wife emails me and says she is going for a drink after work with a friend I also know of the same sex. Now I grew up with her friend and know she is divorced and jumps in bed with many men. So naturally under the circumstances I want to go with her so when I ask her I suspect a bit of resistance from her but I insist. Guess who shows up after a few drinks? You guessed, Chuck. Now no matter how nice Chuck acts I still have a hard time liking him. Later I asked my wife if she invited Chuck and of course she said no. (very hard to believe)
So now I realize I have to watch her even more closely. During this time I find out my wife, her girlfriend who I’ll call Mary and Chuck rode together to a company function in my wife’s car. I confronted her about this and she swore to God and on her mother’s grave that Chuck was not in the car. (LIE #2). Well I had proof and then my wife said she’s done nothing wrong because she had a girl with them, what’s the big deal. Also she says the reason she invited Chuck was so Mary would not ride with them because my wife hates Mary but can’t be mean to her. Mary hates Chuck. So I say to my wife if your plan worked you would be riding with Chuck alone. (Bad excuse of my wife’s.) Big fight breaks out and she swears she will never do anything like that again (lie on her mother’s grave) and that she loves me very much.
Well, our marriage is much better now and I still feel I need to watch her because of the lies. Now I’m not proud of this but I bought a phone recorder because I need the truth to stop my mind wondering on a daily basis. Well, it took only 3 days and yep, you guessed it again, my wife calls Chuck at work on a so-called sick day off. Now there was no sexual talk but to my surprise my wife and Chuck bashed me with no mercy. They were both laughing and having a merry old time. This went on for 30 min. and when they ran out of things to bash me with they actually listened to each other breath. Come on, nothing to talk about then hang up. During their conservation I called to see how my wife was doing (call waiting & I.D.) and she sounded funny and said I woke her up. (LIE #3) I wonder how much I would have heard if I didn’t call. Well I confronted her about this and of course she tried to LIE about it. I played the recording back to her and at first she had it with me and is leaving me and within minuets she was sorry and said she loves me very much. She said the reason she did it was she wasn’t happy with me but loves me. Now I’m pissed, I can handle her bashing me to a family member or a girlfriend but a strange man, and then to let a strange man bash me when she says she loves I can’t handle.
Now this is way past a work relationship. She must like Chuck a lot to talk to him about our personal life and humiliate and strip me of my dignity all in the name of fun. I asked her if there was anything else she needs to tell me and she said no I all ready know everything there is to know. (LIE #4) I tell her she needs to break off the friendship if our marriage is going to last. I told her (which she resisted with lame reasons) she needs to call Chuck with me recording the conservation and break off the friendship. She did this and things are better now.
Now all of this still drives me nuts so I think about it a lot and she knows I still have a problem. So one night we are talking about it to help me though this (I need to talk) and I tell her there must be more she needs to tell me because the odds of me finding everything out is 0 to none. She continues to tell me nothing and when she realizes I’m not going to drop this until she tells me more. So she says she has gone to lunch with Chris (another coworker strange man to me). Not a group of people, just the two of them to a bar & grill. She tells me the only reason she went was that he was bugging her daily and she was running out of excuses to tell him no. I told her all she has to say is no and the truth is she went because she wanted to and she enjoys his company. (I’m so tired of these lame excuses.) She also admitted she was saying hello and goodbye to Chuck. She says this is not talking to him. I told her this whole mess started with just a hello. I said please stop all contact with Chuck. She said she would. (How can I believe her?)
Now there are many other events to tell but I don’t want to write a book and bore you with all the details.
Is this an affair? I’ve been lied to so many times and humiliated not to think it is. I believe from my heart this is not sexual yet (she says it never would be Chuck is not her type). She works with these guys how do I control my susptions with out her quitting? Or should she quit?
Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. Please give me your opinion on what to do.
Driving myself nuts.

Dear Tired,

Welcome to Marriage Builders! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Listen, you know in your heart that there is a problem in your marriage... that's why you came here... you KNOW. So, first off, give yourself a lot of credit for listening to your gut... it rarely steers you wrong.

Whether or not your wife is having an affair (and it DOES sound suspicious)... **YOU** are uncomfortable with her going out to lunch with men alone. IT MATTERS TO YOU, and therefore **should** matter to her.

Is this mandated for her buisness? If so, then you need to decide if it's worth the burden on your marriage for her to keep her job, or look for another.

I don't want to bore you with a long story, and I frankly rarely come to the boards anymore (at least not like I used to; I used to LIVE here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) but I will tell you that I had an affair with a man I worked with... it began as a friendship, and because I was vulnerable, didn't protect my marriage, and made a gawd-awful choice, I had an affair with the guy... stupid, life-changing, and totally unnecessary... also, it ruined my life, and my marriage.

Sadly, I have also been in your shoes, as my ex-husband had several affairs with women he worked with.

So, I hear your pain and have felt it.

Please read everything you can here... and know that you are in the right place.

Best wishes... I hope and pray that she hasn't gone any further than what she's told you and that your marriage can be healed.

Dear New-Beginning
Thank you for your reply. I know I love my wife and I believe she loves me. The part that bothers my the most is how could she bash me and love at the same time. I have to wonder if she does. Mabe be she's just afraid to live alone. Not sure.

Sometimes when we are angry at a loved one we will bash him/her with a confidant. Does a parent who yelled at the top of his/her lungs about regretting the day s/he became a parent (after his/her child has pushed many of his/her buttons), actually beleive this? The answer is probably not. So your W's bashfest may be nothing more than a simple venting of anger.

Bashing me to her sisters or even a girlfriend I can handle, but a strange man and the to let this man bash me. Come on. He started bashing me first and she joined in. I think she should of stoped him. I never did anything to him. I was raised to stik up for your family to strangers no matter what the family member did.

You might want to consider in letting her know that a man interested in seducing a woman married to another man, will help her demonize her H to the point that she will want nothing to do with him, and then the OM will move in for the kill. In other words, she's been used by Chuck.

So in other words w is interested in chuck?

So in other words W is interested in chuck?

More like Chuck is interested in her.

Your W seems (from your description of her) to be a very insecure individual and thus very susceptible to the ego stroking of a man who wants to seduce her by demonizing you so that he'll be the one she turns to when you two have problems.