Ok New Developments in my so called life.

I think the W is really trying her hardest to keep me pushed away. You see two weeks ago I sent a email by accident to my W that was not for her to see. Here it is :

Hi Stacy

Yes you are very correct about Heather s mothering skills, she does treat those kids like they are in her way. Also I know that Heather has a boy friend. But he has told her that he wants nothing to do with her children. I cant even think about being with someone that doesn't like my kids. You see the only reason she is with him is because he has money. Oh get this he is like 40 something as well. She has told people she likes him because he is like a fantasy for her. Come on Heather grow up. She is trying to live her childhood again and my boys are paying the price.

No I don't want to go back to her with the way it was. There will have to be changes in our marriage to make it work. I am willing to do this because I do love her. It does hurt me to think about her being with other men, but I was no angel this last fall. I can forgive but no I will never forget. I will just have to place it in the back of my head like I did before.

I don't know Stacy. I love her more than anything. Not wanting me is one thing but the way she is treating those special boys is killing me. For now my focus is to get home and start a new life for me and my boys. If Heather were to ever pull her head out of her [censored] then she can be part of that life. But I bet you when she finally comes around (if ever) I may be gone and she will be lonely forever because she will never find anyone who loves her as much as I do.

Where did you hear about W boy friend? I think she is just acting out right now trying to get some attention. If you wanted a divorce would you still have pictures of the man you were divorcing in your house?

I have thought about weather or not my mind was cloudy right now. But its not. I know there are some major problems and they may never be fixed. I just want the peace of mind that I never gave up. SHE DID.

Thank you so much for talking with me. I always love talking with someone.

Talk at you later .....Danny

I wrote this to a friend that contacted me about our sitch. She has known us throughout our entire marriage and knows all about our problems. She came to me about my W mothering. And yes I know that it was very bad to attack her like I did. But it is true the boys keep telling me and two of the grandparents that they just want to be home and they never have food in the house. I do know how hard it is to be a single parent but it should not change how you raise your kids and I can and everyone sees how she is being.
But any way I was just venting and I told my W that and how I was sorry for attacking her like that. My W was more mad that I was talking to this friend, that it wasn't right and she should mind her own business. I agreed and told W that I would stop and I did.
After that incident I had a turning point. I stopped all contact with W ( we had a big fight on the phone about it ) and had only emailed her what I have shown you in my thread.
Now this morning. I get this email:

Hey Danny...
This is Sandy...you know Brett Ainslies ex-wife...
I just had to take a minute to let you know a few things about Heather..
See Danny, she showed me the e-mail that you "accidently" sent to her, and I kinda have a problem with it.
For starters....you have no clue what the [censored] you are talking about. Heather is a damn good mom. Do you even have a clue how hard it is to be a single mother. Heather loves her boys more then you will ever know, and I'm here to tell you that they are doing fine. If you were so damn concerned about the boys, your [censored] would be here, helping Heather take care of them. Or to take it one step further.....if you wouldn't have [censored] up as a husband, maybe Heather would still be with you...ever think of that??
You are Brett are just alike...you think that its all her fault. Well guess what....your wrong. It takes two to screw things up. So I suggest your grow up, grow some balls, and realize it's over.....NEXT
Thanks for reading.....hope this opens your closed eyes and mind.
Sandy

Ok this was forwarded to my W and than to me. Well if W had shown her this than she would have my email and could have sent it straight here. But any way this is a Lady that we knew back in high school and have never seen again until my W went back to the states and because they are going through the same thing and have kids in class together they have became friends.
I cant belive she has said these things. I have always told wife that I accepted my faults and problems t words this marriage and know that a big part of her going home was MY fault. I never once blamed only her. How can this lady compare me to her husband. We has cheated on her multi pal times and the has even gotten the OW now pregnant. I am nothing like him. I have always told my wife that I still love her and treated her with respect I was just very unhappy with my career and being her in Germany and took it out on my wife and W did the same. This lady has NO idea of our problems past and present and what was happening here in Germany. This lady is only getting the W side of the story and the W wants to play it up so she doesn't look bad. I know my W and this is percicly what she is doing.
Also if this lady knew me or anything about my family she would know that I am doing everything possible next to going AWOL (running away) to get home just to be with my boys. This is what made me the most mad because my W knows this and did not even defend me.
So my first question is. What do I send back. I know my first instinct was to get angary and call my wife and yell or write a nasty email back. This is what my W is looking for I think.
Also what do you think the W is trying to accomplish by all this. I thought it was a dead subject. I bet she has sent that email to her mom as well to get her side of the family mad at me.

SS
Why do you think she has brought this up again. What is she gaining by it? Sorry for being so long. Thanks for any imput that you can give me. I am going to write the email today after work and make alot of notes while im thinking it over.

Have a great day. Even after this I am hurt but don't feel to bad.

Dan

Still Seeking

Where are you?

So as of right now Im not going to reply and if the W brings it up I will just tell her that I understand.

I wrote a very nasty email to W friend to vent about the email she sent me. But Im not going to send it, I just needed to get out what I felt.

I really think that the W is trying to stir some stuff up here and test me. I think she showed this email to her friend so her friend would think what an [censored] Heather you are doing the right thing. So I think that my W is starting to question on weather or not she is doing the right thing by pushing me out her life.

Please I could really use some advise on this one and anybody is more than welcome to put in their two cents.

Two weeks ago I would have sent that email but now I am cool, calm, and colective. Almost like I have let my W go, but yet I havent. WOOHOOO I found some patiences and it feels great.

Thank you a thousand times,
Dan

Hi Danny,
Now, the first thing we usually want to when we see something like the letter you got, is point out where we are right and they are wrong. It really doesn't do any good.
What is she trying to do? Show you that someone else thinks the same way she does, and that you are wrong. ( Later Edit) And yes, she is probably showing people " see why I have to leave him, see how bad he is."

In my opinion the best thing to do it disarm them and leave them with nothing to complain about. It takes away their argument, and it lets them see that you really can change. Send it to Sandy, and a copy to your W. Or if you don't have Sandy's address, send it to W and ask her to foreword.

For starters....you have no clue what the [censored] you are talking about. Heather is a damn good mom. Do you even have a clue how hard it is to be a single mother. Heather loves her boys more then you will ever know, and I'm here to tell you that they are doing fine. If you were so damn concerned about the boys, your [censored] would be here, helping Heather take care of them. Or to take it one step further.....if you wouldn't have [censored] up as a husband, maybe Heather would still be with you...ever think of that?? You are Brett are just alike...you think that its all her fault. Well guess what....your wrong. It takes two to screw things up. So I suggest your grow up, grow some balls, and realize it's over.....NEXT Thanks for reading.....hope this opens your closed eyes and mind. Sandy
This is a sample, you should write something like you would normally say stuff, but make it an apology.

Hi Sandy ,
I wanted to write and thank you for your note.
First of all, you are right, it does take two to screw things up. I realize I had a large part in the problems we now face, perhaps most of the blame is mine. I wrote that e-mail in anger and before I began to study about marriage. I have learned a great deal in the last few weeks, and I agree with you.

I realize Heather has a hard time as a single parent. I want to be home right now. I am trying to get out of the service and get home to help. I could go AWOL but that would make more problems than it would solve, so I am trying to do it by legal means.

I said I have been learning, and I plan to continue. It takes a lot of work to be a good husband and father, I am willing to learn how to do that, and I will do that. It takes time though, and I hope Heather is willing to give me a chance. I am trying to prove that I am worth a chance, but I won't be able to change all my weaknesses over night. I do love her and want to be able to prove that to her.

Thanks again for the help, I need all the feedback I can get.

Danny.

Now, I don't know all the facts, you could probably make it better and /or more factual, but this is the type of thing you should do - that is if you really do want to make things work. She needs to know you can change, and this is the type of thing that shows her. Remember that you need to be consistent. You have to be able to act like this letter portrays all the time. You can't write something like this and then come apart on the phone next time you speak with her.
Danny, if you can change and actually be this better person we are talking about, you have a good chance.
What do you think?

SS

<small>[ March 12, 2003, 12:43 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Danny- Listen to SS, the letter he outlined is brilliant. The key though is to continue on the path and mold yourself into that type of person....Also, I know (because I've done the same thing) how easy it is to discuss with others all the faults of a WS. However, IMO it's generally a bad idea and counter-productive to R. Good luck with all of this!

Hey SS
Thanks for the wisdom.
I have changed and still want to continue changing for my marriage. What do you think about not sending anything at all. I know that my W is just trying to get a rise out me. I liked what you wrote and will add some of my own feels in there too. The old me would have blown right up buy you know what I think it is very childish and funny to read.

I will write what I think and post it here in a min.

Thanks,
Danny

Ok see what you think now. I added a little bit to personalize and wanted to say more but this is one of the times where less is more.

Hi Sandy ,

I wanted to write and thank you for your note.

First of all, you are right, it does take two to screw things up. I realize I had a large part in the problems we now face, perhaps most of the blame is mine. I wrote that e-mail in anger and before I began to study about marriage. I have learned a great deal in the last few weeks, and I agree with you.

As far as you say be a man. I think that I am being more of a man in my life than I have ever been. I have the chance to go and party my life away and have no worries, but I have chosen to fix what I have wronged and possibly stand next to my wife and children one day.

I realize Heather has a hard time as a single parent, but you should also think about how hard it is being thousands of miles away form your children and how emotionally draining that could be. I want to be home with my boys more than anything in this world. I am trying everything possible to get out of the service and get home to help. I could go AWOL but that would make more problems than it would solve, so I am trying to do it by legal means.

I said I have been learning, and I plan to continue. It takes a lot of work to be a good husband and father, I am willing to learn how to do that, and I will do that. It takes time though, and I hope Heather is willing to give me a chance. I am trying to prove that I am worth a chance, but I won't be able to change all my weaknesses over night. I do love her and want to be able to prove that to her.

Thanks again for the help, I need all the feedback I can get.

Dan

So what do you think?

Yes, I think it is good for you to personalize it.
What if we made this:
but you should also think about how hard it is being thousands of miles away form your children and how emotionally draining that could be.
Into This:
Part of my trouble is that I am thousands of miles away from the women I love, and my beautiful children. It is emotionally draining and that is some of the reason I have such a hard time treating Heather the way I should. In the past, I have tended to take out my anger and frustration on her. I am learning how to cope and not do that any more. I want to be with Heather and the boys more than anything..........

Make it about you, Stay away from saying stuff like "you should think" because they take it as a demand, even though you are only trying to bring something to mind for her.

I think you should send it, and show what kind of person you can be.

Also, remember that it's your decision, I am only trying to help, not tell you what to do.

SS

<small>[ March 12, 2003, 02:50 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

SS

I really like what you have added, I see the difference on laying it on me rather than them.

Im thinking of not sending it. Atlest for a few day. I want my W to see that I have changed and this would be a huge 180.

What do you think?

Thank you so much for helping me out.
Dan

Send or not send, it is up to you, you know her best. Like we say, we just give ideas, you have to make this work.

SS

I am going to think about it tonight but I am leaning twords not sending it because I know the W is expecting a reply.

But the question is what Can I do now. Should I give it a few days before I contact the kids again or should I send a nice hello letter to her and the boys.

I do feel a little more at peace with this and I think this is what Ive needed to be able to move forward in my long journey.

Take care hope your day is a bright one,
Danny

I recommend sending this before you send anything else, otherwise she may think you are ignoring her ( meaning she may think you don't care.)

SS

In a way I kind of want her to know I dont care. I want her to see that things like this dont bother me. Her sending that email to me is a part of her game and I want her to see that I have gone a little dark on her because I have. So as of right now I havent sent it yet but I am still thinking about it.

Have a great day for me over there in the states.

Talk soon,
Dan

Hope you personally are doing better. Do you have counseling today again?

SS

HnG,

Checking in on you, read the last few of your posts. Looks like you got some excelent advice from SS.

God Bless & Good luck

Go Air Force!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hi SS

I am doing ok. I was on the base yesterday and today where we used to live and it brought back a lot of good memories and made me miss my family very much. I wish I could have seen my counselor yesterday but she was gone for the week and I wont see her until next Friday.

So right now I am just hanging out and reading. I have never read so much in my entire life. Wish I would have put this much effort in college.....lol....SO tonight I am going to go out with some friends, its a good friends birthday and we intend on having some fun.

Talk to you soon and if anything developes I will be sure to let you know.

Thank you so much for caring about me. I need all the help on this that I can. Thanks again.

Danny

Today my third oldest son gets married. I won't be around much for a few days. Just dropped by work for a few minutes.

Wishing you well.

SS

Hey SS

Congrats on the wedding. I wish them well and hope you had a great time.

Nothing much going on on my end. I am just trying to get by day to day.

Talk soon and if anything changes I will let you know.

Dan