If WH is gone and says he is not <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> coming back to me and wants a D, is there any HOPE.

I am wishing he is in fog. But, he says he wants out, wants a D.

I guess i am asking u all to be psychics. (spelling) But today is for some reason a hard day. Very sad, and thinking about "them".
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

What are the signs of fog?????????????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kuljey:
[QB]If WH is gone and says he is not <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I guess i am asking u all to be psychics. QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't need to be a psychic. They ALL say these things. Don't even bother listening.

In fact, you could almost finished the sentences for him!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

"I never loved you...."
"We made a mistake, should'a never married..."
"I'm not IN LOVE with you anymore...."
"We can still be freinds..."
"I found my soulmate...."
"She understands me in a way you never did...."
"Now i know what TRUE LOVE is...."
"My mind is made up and I'm sure of what I'm doing..."
"I'm never coming home...."
"You should date others...."

Pick any or all that apply.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Please try to not let it upset you too much. It's all part of the "script" they all read from. It's so predictable, and COMMON, it'd almost laughable (if we weren't dying on the inside).

God Bless,

is this a form of FOG:

you can have the house, you can sell all my things in the garage i dont care, i just want out.

Kuljey,
My H said he wanted a divorce for 15 months...before I served him the papers. We reconciled 3-4 months after that.

Let's see, in addition to lupo's list, things I heard at various times:
-He didn't want anything,
-I could have anything I wanted.
-It would never work.
-He said I'd never forgive him
-Too much water under the bridge
-Too much hurt, we had no chance of recovery
-I should date (until I did--not a good move on my part for many reasons)
-He couldn't talk to me.

kuljey:

"What are the signs of fog?????????????"

The signs of fog are: Everything your husband has said to you since this A started. EVERYTHING.

-Qfwfq

OK, with that answered so eloquently by you all.... HOW IN THE HECK DO I GET MY SPOUSE OUT OF THIS FOG!!!!!!

kuljey:

"OK, with that answered so eloquently by you all.... HOW IN THE HECK DO I GET MY SPOUSE OUT OF THIS FOG!!!!!!"

Uh... ...you don't. You can only make yourself and your family, and your home a safe place for him to come to for refuge when the defecation hits the ventilation with his OW. And it WILL, but it will likely take time. Since you can't do anything to directly affect his thinking unless he ASKS for your help, try not to dwell on it until he does ask for help.

Take care of you and your kids,
-Qfwfq

Ditto to all the "fog" lingo...I've heard every single line as well!

As for getting your WS out of the fog...from what I can gather it's a waiting game along with plenty of good ole Plan A!

My WH also said similar things as yours and now things seem to be crashing...OW not as serious as he thought...oh too bad!

Hang in there, changes can come at any moment and when least expected, keeping your cool is the hardest part. Staying busy helps, and coming here to vent....

Hang in there!

wow. u guys are great. i sooooo love the support and info you all give me!!!!

update: yesterday i took my kids to the park, at a friends urging. we stayed over an hour. the kids had a good time. the only thing was, the only nice park in our city is the one we had my 5 yr olds 5th bday party at and the "so called friend"/OW was of course there and my 11 yr old stepdaughter was telling me she was sad to be there cuz she has bad memories of the OW. my stepdaughter has never been really touchy feely, or loving with me, but she held on tight and hugged me. She is hurting so badly.

My little one cried a little bit last nite b4 bed for her father. Gosh, i was hurt for both of them.

Well, i havent talked to or called WH. I had a long talk w/his father and said i do not want a divorce and his response was(he is a minister)that they have less of a chance at staying together than us (wh and me--we lived together b4 marriage.) The father just kept telling me to pray pray pray.

You all, i just pray he is really in a FOG..and he is just not really in love as he says.

Kuljey-

It's taken me almost 2 hours to respond to your last post, I've been sobbing all that time. Something about how your WH's A has affected the children got to me. Those children have no blame in any of this and yet they are hurt, it's not fair. DON'T THESE PEOPLE KNOW HOW MUCH PAIN THEY ARE CAUSING??

Kuljey, you are their rock now. I know you know this, you are doing a great job. Just keep it up. Give those kids an extra hug or kiss when you think of it. I know you need some love, too. Here's a cyberhug from me ((((((((KULJEY)))))))).

Oh, here's some more fog talk you might get a chuckle over:
- It's all your fault, your weren't paying attention and my heart started to wander.
- Why can't you be happy for me now that I've finally found true love?
- Said above to his grown children, too. They were horrified.
- You can keep the house.
- She's my soulmate.
- She tried to resist but she couldn't.
- You and I never should have been together.
- If we ever get back together we owe OW everything.
- I wish all 3 of us could love each other.
- What does it matter to FIL, MIL, BIL, SIL, nieces, nephews, etc. if I'm not in their lives anymore?

Enough said? It's crazy talk. As for getting them out of it, forget it. My son, who is a counselor of mentally ill adults, said his father is like an addict, and until an addict wants to help himself, there is nothing you can do. It's a waiting game. I guess the Plan A stuff is to make it feel safe for WS's to come home when they finally do come out of the fog. If you can enhance yourself during this time, you will be a better person no matter what happens, and that's the best you can count on.

Stay strong, Kuljey, take care of those beautiful children. My thoughts, (and tears) are with you.

Lablady

Me BS 47
WH 48
Married 24 yrs
Son, 24, D 22
OW 44 widow/coworker
H had 1 PA and 1 EA 15 and 13 yrs ago
D-Day this time 7/02
8/02 - 12/02 WH goes back and forth btwn me and OW. I take him back 8 times, each time he promises NC, then breaks it within a few days
12/31/02 WH moves in w/OW
1/29/03 I get letter from WH saying he still loves me, wants to get own apartment to "sort things out with no outside influences".
2/10/03 I send Plan B letter to WH
3/11/03 WH tells our daughter he's still looking for an apartment
ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!

i just remembered something. on our anniversary last year 9-5-02 my WH got a tattoo w/my name in a heart. and then over one month later he started a affair w/the supposed friend.

after the affair ended when i found out and he sent a NC letter we had couneling..etc

and then in january he started up, he had been giving me flowers, cards..really loving cards.

What the heck is that all about? Tattoo, then all of a sudden he is gone....

Anyone have any ideas? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

(Also, he tells me when i ask him why he left me he says he is unhappy. Then when i ask him if he hates me, he says, no i dont hate you, i just want a divorce. Fog??)

<small>[ March 14, 2003, 01:33 PM: Message edited by: kuljey ]</small>

Just a lil more fog talk that I've got from my WW so far.

-I don't think I can trust you with my emotions any more.
-I don't think I can try again right now
-Marriage isn't supposed to be this much work
-Our marriage was over 5 months ago when we fought about when to have a baby (This is still the reason she insists she moved out, not OM)
-You should get a girlfriend
-You could probaby find someone at the gym to take home and keep you company

kuljey:

And just one more clue that they're in the fog:

Their lips move.

-Qfwfq

this afternoon WH called to ask if the girls want to see him. i asked do u want me to ask, he said yes. so i asked a five and eleven year old if they want to see there dad tommorow. the oldest said no immediately and the little one said that no because he loves "gutter rats" name was said.

so i went back to him and said now dont shoot the messenger, they both said no. he started to get a bit huffy so i reminded him to not get mad at me that was their answer. he said that he would call again tommorow to see.

just wanted to update. WH still majorly in FOG.

WH called this am saying he WILL be coming after army to see the girls. He is so nice when he wants something. Of course I let him come see them. Yesterday they said they dont want to see him, but he didnt ask that question this time.

He acts with me, like i would hear w/he ex wife. I am wife #2.

He was telling me about possible deployement or possibly not being deployed.

I get so nervous when he is coming over!

bumping up for help plz

Kuljey,
This is the first time I've posted to try to help someone else..so bare with me a little. I don't know if I'll have anything helpful or not but i'll tell you a little about us.

I knew we were having trouble but didn't think it was anything we couldn't handle with MC maybe. When H and I talked last year and decided on MC, we went once and H said he didn't know if he loved me or if he ever had. (He was questioning our being together due to me confessing I went off of my BC pill and we got pregnant and that's why we moved in together...12 years ago. That ended in miscarriage and we stayed together, got married, had 2 Ds and I just confessed a few years back.) So the second time we went to MC was to tell the councelor we were seperating because H didn't love me and he and a real good friend had confessed they had feelings for each other.

My H moved out and we still had lots of contact during the 4 months he was gone, for our kids sake. I read everything I could get my hands on, including the Bible. I knew that I loved my husband and didn't want our marriage to end. The first thing I learned was that I needed to fix me...I needed to look at myself and realize there was some changing needed there too. So I did.

I didn't know about MB at that time but I had some awesome support from friends and books...let him know how you feel about him, make his visits enjoyable, make him feel comfortable in your home and around you. Let him feel your love and tell him if you want too.

My H and I went to a MB seminar in Aug. and he moved back home. Tried to end contact with EA but it wasn't as easy as he thought and we didn't follow all the rules, because I trusted both H and OW to end it and not contact each other. I respected and trusted them both, still do.

In Nov. my H told me again he didn't feel for me what he thought he should, I kind of lost it then. But we decided together to continue as we were meeting each others needs and get through the holidays for the kids sake, let me get back to work full time, etc. In Feb. I moved to an apartment.

We are now closer than we ever have been, he is starting to feel like there is a reason for us (him) to work on our marriage to try to fall in love with me again. We both post here and have gotten much help from others here...actually he is trying to help others who feel no hope too!

I just want you to know...DON'T GIVE UP! Keep doing the things make you feel good. Keep showing him and giving him lots of love. Keep sharing with him, keep inviting him over for dinner or dates, with or without the kids.

I can't tell you what the fog is...but my H is starting to feel like he's coming out of it. We're still not living together but we date each other we have family time with our Ds we talk more than we ever have, just when we think our communication can't get any better, it does!

I know that he still needs time to work on himself and we still have stuff to work out with each other but I think we're headed in the right direction. I don't blame just him for the EA, I had my part in driving him there. We've both learned that we have things to change and that we both could be doing more for our marriage and each other.

Now I'm getting long winded. If you want to see our story, it starts with a post from Can't think of a Name. I just really felt drawn to you when I read your post. There is still hope and we're a good example of that! My H is a wonderful man going through a tough time and I want to be there for him in any way he needs me. I will never give up on him, he is so worth the wait!

As I said in the beginning, don't know if anything I said will help but just want you to know that I'm thinking about you and praying for you!

Love,
Fonzee

Today my grandmother passed away. WH was supposed to come visit the kids this evening. So i called to let him know (on his cell) left the message my grandmother passed away and we are going to be w/the family so tonight wont be good. Then, we decided to just wait till tommorow, i left another msg that no, we will be home. He said he would arrive at 545, it was like 515 and no call so i called to see if he was still coming (first mistake.) I asked did you get my msgs, he said, no i havent checked them. I said where r u, he said on my way, he was like practically 1/2 way here. so i said, so you did hear my msgs (is that the second mistake.) Anyway he started to blah blah blah about maybe being deployed, maybe being stateside only...he said he had a bunch of army family support, red cross contact info...etc. Then he started to blah blah blah about he talked to a JAG officer to ask if he can divorce his wife while in the army. ****NOT that he is living w/his OW and wants out. How convenient.*** So, he said, "and i still want to disolve our marriage." I didnt say a word.

He blah blahed all the way here...he said, i am driving up now. So i opened the door, and he said, "oh, you look good." This confuses me!

I left him here to go to Target to get something to wear to the funeral. He stayed here playing w/the little one and then arguing with the older one (11 yr old D) because she doesnt want to talk to him. In the argument he told her, you are taking this to personal, i left because of Yvonne.

I AM BESIDE MYSELF...its my fault...
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
someone rescue me here.. i am drowning again.. my fault!!!

kuljey:

My heart's with you over the loss of your grandmother. All my best to you.

Try not to let your WH get you down. They're all too good at that!!!

-Qfwfq