Hi Andy - my H's twin!! Need some advice. As you know, my H has moved out, and I am working on myself, while in a modified plan B. I feel a real need to regain some strength and self worth, and can't stop obsessing about the need to make the OW somehow accountable for her part in causing pain to me. Read my post "for me......quotes on infidelity". you will see what I intend to do. What would you have done if your wife did something like this while you were still at your old work? Give me the gut reaction, and then the delayed reaction please Andy. You are so like my H, I value your feelings as a help to understanding my H's. Would you have felt really angry? or would it have been kind of an affirmation to you of the strength of your wife's feelings for you and kind of made you secretly a bit proud of her? would you have wanted to protect the OW from this, even at the expense of your wife's need for regaining self - worth? Is this a hideous thing to even think of doing?.....I've thought long and hard about this, and this way it seems like a wakeup call, without being too nasty.....what do you think? <P>Anyone else, please chime in....how did anyone else feel when their W or H confronted the OP......with or without their knowledge or consent.....and how did they do it....I don't feel the need to do it in person, but want the effects to be felt....I sure felt the effects of her actions. A bit of humiliation back for a lot of humiliation given to me.<P>Thanks Andy and everyone<p>[This message has been edited by sosad (edited September 14, 1999).]

Dear Sosad,<P>As they say, "revenge fantasies are great but real revenge isn't" or "he who seeks revenge should dig two graves." <P>I can understand how bad you feel and why and I also understand obsession, I've had obsessive thoughts too. It just seems to me that the balloon plan leaves room for more hurt for you. What if it makes your husband mad at you? What if it is seen as a joke and immediately blown off. There are all kinds of ways that it could "go down" that would just not give you the satisfaction that you are seeking. <P>Maybe you are channelling your energies in the wrong direction. I don't think it is helping you to put all your energies towards this woman, she isn't worth it. Don't get me wrong, I know you are reaching out for something to make you feel better and that is important. I just worry that this could make you feel worse.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here... I am the OW, although I've been betrayed and in your shoes too.<P>If you've read anything about me, you'll know that I could not feel worse for the pain I've caused my H, my children, or myself. I also feel pain for the W of the OM. The W has been sending me nasty emails at work (the OM and I work together) and they only added to my pain. Maybe you say, good, I need to know what I've done. Here's what I say: I already feel SO BAD and HATE MYSELF for what I've done. I almost couldn't feel worse, unless of course the OW decided to make my life more of a living hell than it already is. If she would contact me and ask to talk, yes, I would do it, and would be honest about the affair. If it's just to hurt me and drag my family further through the mud and muck, then no, I would beg her to stop. Your OW may not feel like I do, but then again, she may. You probably think she's sitting pretty, laughing about how she got your H, feeling pretty proud of herself. This OW (me) feels like a piece of sh*t, nearly lost everything (which still remains to be seen), lost weight, lost self-respect, and the ONLY thing left is a sliver of love from my H. <P>I guess I just wanted you to know that there ae some OW who suffer. We're not all callused, hard, mean women out to get someones H. I made a horrible mistake and I pay for it daily. Believe me.

ditto what 'new-beginning' said. I almost committed suicide after my affair was discovered and my H and the OM's W had their way with me. Not every OP is in the sidelines thinking that they were justified for their actions and that the spouse got what they deserved. Some of us are sincerely remorseful. If your OW is, she doesn't need the balloons to remind her of it- she's probably sick to her stomach over it. If she isn't, the balloons are only going to backfire on you.

Hi sosad,<P>My wife and I were just wondering how you were doing since you hadn't posted in a while. Sounds like things are still basically the same as before. <P>Okay, I'll give you my gut reaction as to how I would've felt if my wife did what you're thinking. Everyone else has given their advice on whether or not you should do it, but I believe ultimately that is up to you.<P>My wife had, as you do, an intense need to let the OW know how much hurt she had. She also wanted OW to hurt too because she felt OW was getting off scott free (nothing is further from the truth; I'm sure OW feels like new_beginning and tamis do). In my wife's case, she had the OW's email address and wanted to send her a long nasty email. Eventually she did send the email. As far as I know, she never got a reply.<P>So anyway, here's my response... I'm going to answer remembering how I felt at the beginning of withdrawal, when I was still extremely affected by my "fantasy" of love for the OW. I believe this would closely approximate where your husband is at right now. If my wife had done something like you're planning, I would have been mortified! It would've definitely been a love-buster! I don't think I'd see it as my wife being strong, but rather I'd feel pity for her. I wouldn't be angry, but I'd feel maybe that my wife needs to see a therapist and get on antidep meds. It would seem to me to be very vindictive. And I would've tried to protect the OW if I could. I think I would've understood the motivation behind such an act of revenge, but I still would've thought it was coming from someone who was losing self-control.<P>Well, that would've been my reaction had my wife done something like you're planning. The rest is up to you. I know that my wife felt some measure of relief when she sent that email. Perhaps you can find a more private way of communicating with the OW (email or snailmail)... this might at least aleviate your obsessing over her all the time.<P>Anyway, good luck and keep us updated<BR>--andy

Thanks everyone...see my new post..."thanks"<P>Anyone else please add to this if you feel like it...I need lots of "discouragement" in this case!!!

sosad<BR>my wife called the OW when it got to the point my wife new i was lying and lying...they started talking and set me up , which at the time made me very angry and mad. the positive side now is what they did to me ended the affair of which i was trying toget out of for many months but didnt and couldnt and wouldnt, i was addicted.ow thts over i want to rebuild (wife doesnt) it will take time and direction intervention formGod and my friends at Mb. do what you have to do at this point, you have the right to do anything you choose. he choose to keep doing what he did...