I want so badly to help my W to heal, but sometimes I don't know how. I try to answer all of her questions to the best of my abilities, but sometimes I don't recall specific details. I love her with all my heart and I want nothing more than to make things better than they ever have been.

Q) Has anyone else (H) had problems recalling specifics?

Q) How do I unlock that aprt of my memory?

Q) Why is it difficult to remember events from the A?

Q) Is my mind blocking it out because it is too painful, too shameful, what?

I try remember, but it all blurs in my head like a bad nightmare. W thinks that I don't remember out of convenience, but I know it hurts her that I'm not able to remember everything. I don't want to hurt her any more than I already have, so it is not like I am trying to continue to hurt her.

I have reconnected with God, actually not much of a "re-" when there wasn't much of a connection in the first place. I have become a new and better person. I feel like my eyes have been opened to a New Light and I can see things so much more clearly. I view things a lot differently, my outlook on other people and such.
I look at my W with a renewed love that is stronger than when we first met and got M. I look at my family as my world, I see them (W and D) in so many dimensions. I feel like a new person, yet I get sad because W thinks it is a fasad (sp?) I know that time will prove to her who I am, at least I hope that is the answer to that concern.

R) If anyone feels compelled to answer to this I would greatly appreciate any and all advice.

I Love My Pookey.

Me 27 FWH
W 27 BS
1 D (4)
met 1/95
M 1/98
EA/PA 8/02-9/02
cont. 9/02-12/02
D Day 9/02,1/03
counseling 2/02-now
pastor helping 2/02-now

Have you been in counseling? My FWH had the same problem sometimes. In counseling his IC used a method called tri-journaling to help him and asked him probing questions to open up his memory. She did say that yes somethings he didn't remember because they were too painful, shameful and disgusting to him. Thank God, within a few weeks of dday he saw OW in true light, had full realization regarding what he'd done and how it had hurt me and the kids and himself...this lead to feeling very angry and disgusted by OW.

Fortunately, he remembered most of the facts, it was his feelings at the time that he had trouble with. Through counseling he's been able to sort everything out.

Very important for you to not ever get angry or impatient with her questions..when you don't remember tell her so but also tell her that you'll write it down and think about it. My H kept a little notebook in his pocket and would write down his questions and mine, would think about them and when he remembered he'd tell me and when he couldn't he'd get the IC to help him. This worked for us.

Good Luck!

Have you been in counseling? My FWH had the same problem sometimes. In counseling his IC used a method called tri-journaling to help him and asked him probing questions to open up his memory. She did say that yes somethings he didn't remember because they were too painful, shameful and disgusting to him. Thank God, within a few weeks of dday he saw OW in true light, had full realization regarding what he'd done and how it had hurt me and the kids and himself...this lead to feeling very angry and disgusted by OW.

Fortunately, he remembered most of the facts, it was his feelings at the time that he had trouble with. Through counseling he's been able to sort everything out.

Very important for you to not ever get angry or impatient with her questions..when you don't remember tell her so but also tell her that you'll write it down and think about it. My H kept a little notebook in his pocket and would write down his questions and mine, would think about them and when he remembered he'd tell me and when he couldn't he'd get the IC to help him. This worked for us.

Good Luck!

Thank you forevertogether.
I have been in counseling. I am on my 3rd therapist, after being disappointed with the first 2. The one I talk with now actually seems like she wants to try to help. I think there is a big difference at this office compared to the other one. First of all, all the therapists are spiritual people and can incorporate that if the patient so desires.

Anyways, the other day Saturday I read a detail of my A to my W. She had asked me to write it, giving me a week to complete it. I tried to do the best I could but after the fact I realize I could have/should have put some more in it. Parts of the past seem like a blur and it is hard to have specific recollections of certain days or certain times. As I was writing it, I learned some things about the A and about myself. I started to cry when I read it to her. She quietly listened and even wrote a similar letter back to me the next night. I have a hard time believing I could have ever done this to he woman I love. It almost seems like it was happening to another person. These types of actions and the hurtful things I said and did are not the kind of person that I am.
I hate myself for what I did to her, for the hell that I put her and my D through. I struggle because I hate myself, but then I want to be strong and supportive and productive in rebuilding our M. It would be so easy to slip into a stste of depression, but that wouldn't do me any good. My W, my D, and home is where I want to be and I will do anything (good) to keep them. They are my world. I take things one day at a time, appreciate the good times and the fun we have together, and work through the bad times.

I put a 'poem' in the back of a card I gave her on her birthday, which was towards the end of February.

Pookey

Your smile lights up my eyes,
your laugh warms my heart.
Your hair is like a waterfall of honey,
your love is all I want out of life.
Even a rough day with you,
is better than any day without you.

Beenie

This 'poem' I wrote was a little way to try to show her how I feel. I wasn't trying to write a 'poem', but rather tell her how I feel, what she means to me. The last 2 lines say it all, in my world. I shall write more another day and I will be posting more topics in the future.

You sound alot like my FWH..he too was overwhelmed with remorse..couldn't believe he did this to me and the kids!

He was determined to go to counseling, read the books, do whatever it took to figure out how and why this happened and to improve himself.

We post mostly on the "In Recovery" board. He posts under "tellthetruth". If you have specific questions or need moral support from someone who has been there and ended up making his wife a very happy woman...then hop over there and send him a post...

If you're not comfortable with that he has AOL IM.

Keep talking to your wife and describing you feelings then and now..this really helped me. Also if you haven't read the books..start reading...SAA and Torn Asunder are two I highly recommend. Torn Asunder by Dave Carder does a good job of describing the stages that both WS and BS go through.

Best Wishes!

My W and I picked up a copy of Torn Asunder the other day. We had ordered it about a week ago. I was never brought up in a religious household. I bought my first Holy Bible last week (had to exchange it because of a defect). Embarassed that I haven't read it sooner yet proud that I have brought the Word of the Lord into my life, I am now reading my way through the Bible for the first time. Anyways, I continue to "work" at my marriage, but I don't find it to be work. I enjoy doing things for my W.