I have not posted or even been to the boards for about a week. I am hoping we may be starting into the recovery process.

H has been home one week now, but has not "officially" moved back in. It started by him spending the night last Thursday. On Friday over lunch I asked him if we could have a "date" that night. He agreed and we had a wonderful dinner and evening. He again stayed.

Saturday morning came and we did a few things around the house and spent the better part of the day together. He left in late afternoon, after bringing a "few things" for work over to the house, in case he spent the night again.

Saturday night he called about 8 and said he was on his way over. Told me he had to be at work very early on Monday and he probably needed to stay with me so he could get ready on time. (He has been living with his son with one Bathroom). I have felt all along that he needed a "push" to move back in, he just couldn't do it on his own, so his change in work schedule was just the right thing.

I told him that was fine. He has been here every night since. He talks about us, about our future, making plans, making up for past mistakes. He tells me over and over how much he loves me. He told me I had every reason in the world not to love him, but I assured him I do, regardless. He told me the first time he say me after D-day, he was shocked at how much weight I had lost (it had been about 8 days after, and I had lost a lot) and he said all I could think about was "what did I do to her?".

He seems genuinely sorry, says that it was all wrong. He said he is still working through things and has his issues. When at one point I mentioned getting his things from his son's, he said I am still working on things, yet, he talks like he is here to stay. I have to admit, many of these conversations come after he has been drinking, but I think sometimes he is most honest then.

We have not yet put our wedding rings back on, I know he is not ready for that yet, and I won't push. I am basically pretty happy right now, yet still nervous about him leaving again.

I quess my questions are as follows:

Is it normal to have this anxious feeling in starting to trust again?

He has told me some things that happened during A, and they bother me, for example, he took her out and met up with a friend of his. I feel hurt by this, that he was so open with her, and that he was with a mutual friend with her. I guess I kind of thought he was still secretive about A. Is this also normal to feel hurt by these acts, even after the fact? I have not let on that this bothers me.

He still sees OW in a social setting (the bar), and I hate it, even though I know there has been no physical contact. I told him I wanted to go there with him, and he said "we have to talk about that". He says she is a friend and I don't want you confronting her. I assured him I wouldn't, haven't up till now. But, I'm not sure I am ready to face her yet, especially not until those rings are back on. Yet, I don't want him there without me anymore than he already is. He did say he didn't have to go there on Saturday night, but we'll see if that changes.

Is it good to make a stand in front of OW by showing up there with him?

I know recovery is not easy, I thought it would be as long as he was home, but I am aready finding out it is tough. I want this to work and don't want to make any mistakes.

I really believe everything he says about loving me, but then I remember how he has lied to me too, is this all part of recovery? The insecurities, the doubts, the fears???

Maybe I need to go to the recovery site and start reading, but I have been following all of your stories and hopefully you mine, so I wanted some input! Thank you!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> is this all part of recovery? The insecurities, the doubts, the fears???
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, Yes, Yes. That's the short of it. It took a long time before many of my husbands insecurities died down. We are far into recovery, but he still has times where he finds it hard to trust. It's understandable, and given time you WH will totally expect it.

I think you are handling very well. Keep listening right now. Soon you will be able to talk to him about how it hurts and he will be able to comfort you. Right now, you need to still let him know it's safe to tell you these things, even the ones that hurt. Take comfort in the fact that he is now being open and honest - it's not an easy thing to do. He knows some of these things will hurt, but he is answering your questions and concerns. In doing this he is showing he cares.

I agree though about the bar scene. I would have to believe that there are other places he can go where she is not. That will come in time. I believe that you will, in your heart, know when the right time is to ask him to have completely NC. As for going there. I understand the desire, but as a women I don't know how you could do it without wanting to rip her eyes out. I think you need to get in a better spot in your relationship before you think about subjecting yourself to that sort of trigger.

It does look like recovery may be beginning for you. Take it slow and easy. Know that the road of recovery is full of many many ups and downs. Also remember, two steps forward and one step back still means progress. It's a long hard road, but well worth it.

I hope this helps some. I wish you all the best.

I agree with whats been said, take it slowly. As long as the OW is near you have to be very careful and I know trusting will take time. I would try to ignore the OW and don't make a scene. Just make your husband mad and might give him an excuse to see or talk to her????? He should avoid her at all costs and if he doesn't I would not trust his motives. You are way ahead of me on that one, trusting. You are lucky he is talking to you and making an effort. I read all the time about how men can fool you and make you think they are through with the affair and its only a con job. I hope and it probably isn't that situation with you as he seems to be talking to you and that is the first start to having a better marriage. I am settling for what I have, so far anyway, as he won't talk about it and Im left to wonder about all of it. It took lots of courage for your spouse to talk so I would take it in faith and yet as my MC said, just be aware. Im interested in your outcome and the posts. Good luck. .

How developed is your understanding of the reasons for No Contact? Unless financial costs would be too great to bear, NC is practically a mandatory requirement. Settling for regular interaction in a social setting seems a dangerous place to set a boundary.

She should not be his friend. That willingness to stay her friend is a willingness to place his/her feelings above yours; a lack of understanding of what you went through; an unwillingness to make up for his actions and probably a host of other things.

I'm not saying "No NC = failed recovery" but it doesn't help and usually adds a big stumbling block to it especially in the areas that you are worried about (trust, anxiety, etc).

Almost every new revelation about the A will hurt. That's normal and should be expected. It might be worthwhile to get it all out now. And in most cases you should show how you've been affected by his actions. It will probably be helpful for your H to understand that you want honesty/openness and are willing to take some hurt to get it. It's so much better than the gnawing that lying and secrecy cause. So, be willing to show your hurt, but make it safe for him to share. The more walls you have up, the less intimate the relationship.

Anyway, those are two thoughts (NC and showing hurt) that came to mind. If they sound intersting, feel free to ask specific stuff. Good luck.

Thank you all for your insight! The talking about the A is still slow in coming, but thats OK with me for now. It's good to know that what I am feeling is normal.

I am not pushing the NC right now, even though that is what I want, I am hoping that it will come in time. He did tell me at one point that "familiarity breeds contempt" when I said it was hard for me to know he sees her socially. I think her own actions may do her in.

He still is very loving towards me, although at times I can see he is at a low point in his thoughts. I guess part of withdrawal. But, likewise, I see him laughing at something silly I said or do, and feel he is tearing down the walls he built around his feelings.

I am still having trouble believing we have come this far. Although reconciliation has been my goal from the start, and I never gave up hope, I still pinch myself that he is back in MY bed at night.

I thank you for pointing out that 2 steps forward and one back is still progress, so I'll be prepared if we fall backwards at any time.

I am so thankful I found MB when I did. It has gotten me through very tough times as you all know, and gave me the courage to keep hoping and keep fighting for what I wanted.

I know we have a long way to go, but I am willing to take it one step at a time!

Thank you all again!!!!

On the issue of trust and NC...

I would have a verrry hard time believing him until NC is granted. No, i'm not saying to lock him out or call him a liar until he cuts off all contact with OW. But as long as he's still seeing her, it would be VERY hard to believe anything he says.. Take care of yourself and make absolutly CERTAIN that he's not just trying to play you both along.