I would be really interested in hearing the stories of any of the WS on this board about how it was leaving the OP to go back to there spouse. How hard was it to leave the OP, how long did it take you once you knew what you wanted to do, what your feelings for your spouse were when you first returned, any kind of insights would be very much appreciated.

Ok, I have some insights for you. If you really want a look at progress from step one on, I have a list of threads from me that just may help. Mind you, some of them are rather long, actually most of them probably are, but they are my history with this. They are my ups and downs in my recovery, and they show my progression into where I am today - successful in my marriage. Enjoy the read.

My Story First Told

Sharing Info.

Two Steps Forward, One Back

A Down Point

Parade With Rain

A Look At Progress

One Year

My Update

I know there is a lot here, but know that I don't hold back. There is a lot to learn. I wish you well and hope this helps. If there is anything else I can offer, please feel free to ask.

Starman,

The whole process for me took about 2 1/2 years from start to finish.

It started with depression that led me to an EA for 1 year. After much pleading with X to try to fix it, I finally gave in and ran away with OP. Moved out 2 weeks later and EA turned into PA. During that time felt constant guilt and wanted things at home to change but was afraid that once I came home, it would turn into he;ll again. Went on another trip 1 year later and finally realized that I wanted to go home and make it work. I wanted to committ to my family and work on everything that was wrong. Note: During my time away, I continuously worked on myself and questioned everything. Sought therapy, and lived ALONE the whole entire time.

Giving up OM was easy because I was READY. He wasn''t the solution to the problems, just a bandaid. He respected my decision and only wanted for me to be happy. I tried to reconcile, but X met someone and wanted no part of it. ix months later, I still wish to Reconcile but he is engaged after a four month relationship. I continue to try to improve on me and support him in his choices.....

I coculd provide you with my links, but I warn you that the reading would take many hours as I have said MUCH in the last six months. Just ask and I will dig them up...

Hi,
I knew I needed to end it with OM long before I did. I'm talking almost 2 years. I'd created an intimacy (in my mind) with him that I was terrified of ending. Perhaps because of their clandestine nature, affairs seem incredibly intense. I still can see that the A was the more intense relationship of my life. I am not saying it was a good one, but it was intense and obsessive in many ways. It's hard to give up on that fantasy.

After OM moved locally, I REALLY KNEW within a month that he was not at all like I thought he was. I wanted to REALLY END it then, but it took me 10 months after that point.

I don't know how it feels to then be with spouse again. That hasn't happened.

Take care, Starman
H_P

I knew on d-day I wanted to be with my H, and not OM. I was desperate to save my marriage from that point forward. (The desperation is gone now, my H is basically driving me away at this point.)

After d-day, I may have ended the physical aspect of my A, but our "friendship" went on for about another month (phone calls, chats after work, emails, etc). The content of most of this communication was about how we could both save our marriages actually. Then summer vacation arrived and I didn't see OM for nearly 2 months (we are teachers, and work together). I did not miss him. I began to feel anger and resentment towards him. My relationship of 12 years with my H had fallen apart (we were separated at my H's request) because OM put the moves on me, or at least that's how I originally saw it. I know now that I allowed it all to happen and could've said no. Over the summer I tried to send OM a couple of emails to find out if he had finally confessed to his wife. He wouldn't reply. We returned to work, and after all the advice here at MB about NC with OM being a step towards saving one's M, I ignored OM at all costs at work, and didn't talk to him at all unless forced to due to the necessity of work. I've had less than 10 occasions of having to say anything to him in 7 months. I don't miss him. The anger at him still lingers, b/c it sounds like he still hasn't told his wife.

So it was fairly easy for me to cut off contact with OM due to having the summer apart, having the good advice here at MB, and the fact that I never did think I was in love with OM. I was still in love with my H, and desperately wanted my M back.

I'm not sure my perspective helps much, b/c I had very little withdrawal. I have been tempted to phone him and/or email him from time to time, but not to tell him I missed him. Only to harass him about telling his W.

Take care,

Jen

Thanks to all of you for your help. I am trying to figure out the depth of feeling my WW has for the OM and for me for that matter. From the very start of this (D-day was Dec. 24,2002)my WW has never said she doesn't love me and although she confessed to me that she does have feelings for the OM they are not like the love she has for me. It SEEMS like her biggest problem is the fear she has of coming back and having things in our marriage not change. The mutual friends that we have together have all told me that although she admits to having an emotional attachment to the OM that she doesn't want to lose her family and that she isn't truly in love with him. It's so hard to know what's true and what's not because we all know here that WS can say anything and you can't really believe any of it. She moved some of her things back to the house last week and has been initiating more contact with me over the last few days also. Today for the first time she called and asked me to go out with her for a little while. Is this standard WS behavior or do you think it's something I should look at as a good sign?

I'd say that it is a definite good sign! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Just don't let her see you get all excited, or it may cause her to second guess herself.

Also, you said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It SEEMS like her biggest problem is the fear she has of coming back and having things in our marriage not change.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SEEMS? Perhaps you could gently ask her what it is that makes her so reluctant to come back (wholeheartedly) to you?

I'd say that's my biggest problem - I don't want to go back and have things stay the same as they were prior to the A. Things have to change (at a bare minimum, my H has to agree to MC, and acknowledge the fact that he was NOT a perfect husband) or I can't and won't go back.

Again, her recent behaviour sounds very positive!

Jen

starman,

I'd echo Jen's thoughts about this being a very good sign and also not to get TOO excited about it. If she sees you doing cartwheels and running with it, she may think that you think you "won" and that everything is going to go back to the way it was. That won't make her feel safe. I don't know your story, but I'd guess she doesn't want it the way it was before the A. Most people don't mean to have A's. Something in their marriage has made them vulnerable.

As far as your question about withdrawal. It depends on the level of emotional attachment. For me, it was VERY hard. To think of never speaking to the person I was best friends with for seven years was very painful, but the pain is lessening. I think it's probably different for each person. It doesn't sound like your W has quite that level of attachment yet, which is good.

I have wanted to work things out with my H when he found out from the beginning, but I have had a few falls between and talked to him, but I have always wanted to work on my marriage and my family. We have had some rough times. My H met a girl in June 2002 and ended up living with her for 2 1/2 months from December until the beginning of this month. I am so afraid he will go back with her and I am terrified, because I know I want my life back and my family to be together because I love H and my children with all my heart and want their happiness. My H also has a drinking problem, he went to rehab and was sober for 6 1/2 years and then started back when we had problems. I just wish he would be able to stop.

My WW and I have spent most of the last three days together and it has been very good. Tonight we got home about eight and we were here no more than five minutes and the OM called. My wife didn't know that I knew it was him. I got angry and she could tell something was wrong. I quickly snapped myself out of it and told her I just had a weak moment. She said that she thinks things are going very well for us and that I should not try to rush things. I told her I felt the same way and that I thought I had been doing very well not letting things get to me. She agreed and said I was doing great. She told me that she was working on her situation and said all I needed to do was be patient for a little while longer. I believe she is being honest with me and although at times it feels like she is cake-eating I don't THINK she would be telling me these things just to keep me hanging around for a long time. She knows that there is going to be an end to my patience before too long because of my pursuit of the legal separation.
She bought a big tote box at the store yesterday and said she was going to pack the rest of her things in it in case she has to make a "quick getaway". I don't know if she was kidding or if she sees a big confrontation with the OM if she decides to move out. I wish I knew what she was up to, although I suppose it's not really important in the long run. It seems like lately she has been picking fights with the OM to make him not care so much if she decides to get out of there. This is pure speculation on my part but it does seem like the biggest obstacle besides her fear of things not working out between us is the idea of hurting him too much.

If she is coming back home...why is she still in contact with OM. Has she refused to abide by NC? NC was essential to my recovery..once my H started abiding by that..he was out of the fog completely in 1-2 wks. He saw OW for what she really was...finally took a hard/clear look at all little things that bugged him about her and that he was in denial about during the 6 wk A.

My WW is still living with OM but knows that before she can come home she has to agree to NC. I'm sure that's part of the reason she hasn't wanted to come back home yet. I am confident that my WW would come out of the fog fairly quickly if she could do NC long enough. She doesn't understand her feelings the way we here on this board do because she hasn't been exposed to MB. I can see her confusion everyday.

My wife stopped over for her lunch break from school today and brought some more of her things home! This slow trickle is hard in one way but it is helpful also. It's giving me time to think and play different scenarios over in my head. It's good to have this time to plan for different things that might happen and have a response ready.