I hate it when I get like this. It distracts me from what I need to do. I do know this, when I feel this way, I have to get out and walk, and think.

I am evaluating where I am at in my M, do I want to continue trying Plan A to make the M work or do I want to do Plan A to survive the next few months?

I need to get away. I had to post this so I could get back to the task of work so it will not be a distraction.

I hate this feeling. It is not the feeling of impending doom. That one I can live with. It the feeling of total confusion, wanting to get into my car and drive far far way. Away from everything that is causing me anguish. I want to pack up the kids and run and not look back.

It does not help any that at least once a week, I get a call from H regarding him and OS not getting along. OS, has enough issues thinking that his dad hates him and wishes he was never born. Sometimes I wonder if OS is a dissappointment to H. H has the "macho" mentatity. OS is a sensitive person. His feelings get hurt very easily. His counselor cannot say for sure, but she does not discount that he may be having abandonment issues from when H and I split up the first time. OS was about 20 months old at the time. Everytime he saw a truck that looked like daddy's he wanted to chase after it thinking that it was daddy. Once my sister came to watch the kids because I had to get out of the house (walls closing in again). When her H came to get her and her daughter, my sister said to my neice "daddy is here". My OS ran to the door looking for his daddy. He screamed in delight "daddy". When he saw it was his uncle, he was so disappointed. The first Christmas we spent apart as a family, Christmas Eve, we went to H's aunt's house. It was how we always spent Christmas Eve. That year, I had told H, that he could come get the kids for Christmas Eve to spend with his family, I wanted them brought home afterwards because Christmas day was going to be spend with my family. H questioned why I was not going to his Aunts. I said, well, it isn't like we are together. His family was expecting me to be there. So, I went. After I got home with the boys, and was putting them to bed, OS started crying uncontrollably. He kept crying "I want my Daddy" over and over again. There was nothing I could do to console him. H calls to say goodnight to the boys if they were not asleep yet. He hears him crying in the background. H asked what was wrong. I told him the trutht, that he wanted him. H tried to talk to him, it did not work. H said he was on his way over. About 2 - 3 min. before H got there, OS stopped crying. He may not remember all of this. Counselor says it is possible that OS may have trust issues with his dad because of this. There is no way to confirm this because he was too young to voice accurately what he was feeling and OS does not recall these days at all. Counselor says this may be why they don't get along and why OS trusts me with everything. H will not go to OS counseling apptments. He finds excuse after excuse to not go.

I am trying to figure out if my M is worth saving. Will working on my M cause harm to kids? Or will divorcing cause harm to kids.

H is hardest on oldest. Then again, H's behavior to oldest could have the trickle down effect to the other two. MS does not say much, never has. You have to prod and prod to get anything out of him. He also has an outward appearance of not caring, when he really does care. He does not want you to know it matters to him. YD, well, she is just an overly opionionated 4year old who is not afraid to speak her mind. She also had H wrapped around her finger.

I just don't know what is the best thing to do. I will have to stay focused on my goal, and work on what is in the best interest of the kids. I guess.

Sue,
All of us have issues. I do, and I don't know of anyone that doesn't make make mistakes. You will have a long hard road ahead, but so does my W. One of the things I have learned here is that life is work ( Yeah, I knew it before, but I thougth most of you had it easier than me.) It looks like to me that no one has it easy.

If you can manage to save your M, there is other work to do. Some days my Kids love me, some days they are not so sure. Your H is not the only one.

So, it will all come down to can you get NC and have him work on the marriage. Some of the problems with the children and that he has with you will go away if he puts all of his attention in to your R. Some will take more work, but things can be better.

I worry about how much you can take. I can see you grin when you read this. Yes, you are a strong person, but all of us have limits.

Take care of you, do the best you can. If you get burnt out, figure out what to do next. You already know you can do more than you sometimes think.

Hope I didn't add to the confusion.

SS

No, you did not add to the confusion, and yes, I was grinning. You only confirmed what I already knew. H does not know it.

I think he had visions of being his best friend. His father was more of a friend than a dad. H needs to realize that you are his father first, there is time to be his friend later. He needs to develop a bond and trust before he can be his friend. That comes later, as the kids get older.

I believe that we're all stronger than we could have imagined. The human spirit rises to the challenge, and the challenge of a marital affair can either break us, or show us what we're realllly made of.

You definatly need to focus on you. Only you can answer the question of 'continue fighting or give up'. Only you know how much of that strength and determination is left. I really feel for you, and wish you luck in your life. Have faith in God and he will lead you through.

"If God will bring you to it, he'll lead you through it."

Sue,
I know the feeling. I have issues w/kids too and often wonder if it really would be better with Dad home.(He's been working out of state for over 3 yrs. or so)
Would he step up to the plate and be the kind of father they need and that he hasn't been able to be for so long? Has he forgotten how?
I think time would tell, but mostly, I know these kids just want & need him here, every day, every night. There will always be issues.
I'm not always their favorite person, or do the Mom thing just right, but I am always here for them and that's what they need and what they will remember.
Hang in there, come here often, it helps me, often on a daily basis! Someday I hope I don't "need" to, but will still come to remember, to share, to encourage...
Not sure I actually have anything to "offer" but just thought I'd let you know you are not alone, you are brave, strong and will know what you need to do in the long run.

Thanks everyone- today I don't feel quite as bad as yesterday, but then again, it comes and goes.

There is a plus side to the walls closing in feeling. I walk more, to think, and I know I need the exercise. I have not lost the baby weight I gained and the baby is 4years old, so I don't think I can call it baby weight anymore

The plus side to feeling better today is it is easier to focus on what is important