I have been in Plan B with my WH since 01-23-03. He is not willing to give up his relationship with OW-even though he claims just "friends" (if you call staying overnight at her house and at a hotel together just friends!!). It is our youngest D's birthday this weekend. He wants us to all go to his mothers for a birthday dinner. He just doesn't understand why I don't want to go. Anyone have any advice??

option 1 - answer "that will be a great opportunity to discuss all together our future"

option 2 - if you're serious about plan B, then dont commuicate/contact him. be with him in the morning, in the afternoon it will be his time or something

N

I would go with Nick's second option. My wife wanted us to do Christmas with the kids as always, with me even travelling with her to Kentucky to visit her family. By this point, I was in Plan B...as much as you can be when you have kids. Anyway, she wanted to do this, but warned me that this wasnt about us getting back together & didnt even want relationship talk. She was fully with OM.

I said absolutely not. I said we could divide up Christmas day or whatever and she could go with the kids to Kentucky if she wanted to. The argument I got from her was that it would be best for the kids if we did things as a family. I told her that if she wanted to do things as a family, that she needed to get back into the family. Otherwise, there is no sense "pretending" we are a family and getting the kids' hopes up. Again, she got extremely angry, even telling the kids that it is Dad that doesnt want us all togehter on Christmas. Of course, I explained the situation to the kids later. The next day, wife flies to meet OM in Florida for 4 days, right up until Christmas Eve. When she comes back, she has kids for two days, counter files on the divorce, and everything APPEARS headed for disaster! approxiamately 4 weeks after this, while still maintaining communications blackout, there was a knock on my door at 8pm on a Sunday night. It was my wife, wanting to start talking reconciliation. we are now in the process of getting her moved home and the relationship with OM is over.

Plan B is hard. It looks like it will fail, and in the middle of it, it appears to be failing. But, what I didnt know was by saying "no" and sticking to my guns, I ended my wife's cake eating. She could no longer have her family AND OM! All she had was OM. And, even with OM flying her to Florida, the stage was set for their relationship to fall apart. Why? Because I was no longer propping up their fantasy. The reality of what they were doing and who they were would set in. Added to the fact, all of the Christmas traditions that we have had over 9 years, were still done, but she wasnt there to be a part of it. She no longer had the life she built for so long. She couldnt have her old life and new life. And in that environment, the OM cannot possibly hope to succeed. This is the "engine" of Plan B.

Stay on course, stay with the plan. Split up daughter's birthday...but dont do it together. My youngest son's birthday was Dec 28th. We did not spend that together either. Again, another blow of reality to her world.

You will get anger and recriminations. Let it go. Because inside them, it only means that reality is shining a light on their darkness...and the end will be hastened shortly

In His arms.

Mortarman
Thanks for your advice!! It's just so hard to stay in Plan B when you'rs still hoping for reconcilitaion. I get worried that I am only driving him further away but also I can't get my hopes up when he continually tells me he has no desire to end his realtionship and get together. It is really hard on the kids but I agree that I can't get their hopes up. I know he won't understand that because I am the one with them everyday trying to help them rebuild their lives. He tries to make me feel guilty that I'm not letting us be a family, how can we be one when he has this OW?!?

help22,

No problem. You are in the beginning of all of this. Stay the course, even when it looks like it isnt helping. While I was thinking the trip to Florida and her counterfiling for divorce, and not being together for Christmas and our son's birthday, was killing what was left of any hope, in reality, it set things going down the path to reconciliation. I didnt see it for awhile. even the OM noticed the change because on the plane back on Christmas Eve, he had asked my wife if they were going to be okay. Her response was "I dont know." Of course, I didnt know any of this was happening. and if I had screwed up during this, I could have just forced her back into it. Trust the plan...it does work. even if your marriage ends, you have to go through this anyway...you might as well get used to it and start getting your ducks in a row.

Dont fret about not being a family right now. That was HIS decision, not yours. You do not have to accept a watered-down version of family, one where he can just take what he needs and leave the rest to you. It's all or nothing. it is that stance that will force him to choose eventually. And, as the statistics show, when he has to choose, the OP usually loses out.

Hang in there...do the right thing.

<small>[ March 14, 2003, 02:08 PM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>