Hi MBers.

My story is ongoing. I am just wondering what to do. I waver between continuing to Plan A, try to be like Knewjie and hang in there. But the problem is, H hasn't actually left home!. Oh he threatens to now and again but never has shown the slightest actual inclination. But contact with OW continues by phone and email at his work. So not much at weekends or evenings. But I am sure it goes on-he even TOLD me about a recent email. So I feel sometimes that I am enabling the A and I wonder if OW would tolerate the clandestine relationship for years? I could not tolerate that. I do think though that H would keep his word-he's told me if he leaves he is never returning. Why? Because he is very stubborn and proud and NEVER WRONG!

So I guess I can put up and shut up and hope OW LB's enough,or it just dies a death. She lives 5 hours drive away. But I have the feeling it could well just drift along, and whenever they meet up albeit infrequently it will flare again.

I don't want to put up with being in a R with 3 of us but I love my H and I still hope that one day he will come "home" and will be able to see that all I am doing is fighting for my M.

Oh I do love him.

But I have 3 daughters-what kind of woman am I to allow herself to be treated like that? But I don't want to be alone either.

Does anyone have any experience of a similar situation? Did you /they separate and go immediately to Plan B? Most threads I've read , the WS seems to leave-he's never wanted to leave!He still sleeps with me ,apart from the occasional night when we have words. He goes along with plans ,even suggests I organise things. I am the organiser in our family you see. Gosh he would be so set adrift if he left-he has no idea.

Anyone?

Deluded

Deluded - your situation sounds just like mine. My husband would not leave. Even Marriage Builders Harleys told him to leave one night. Cause he would talk to the other woman, in our home. He didn't care, if I or the kids heard him. He would go in the bathroom and talk, we could hear her talking on his cellphone. He didn't care, and don't think this didn't hurt the kids, it hurt them alot. They told me quite a few times, dad is talking to the woman again. And our son saw the telephone bills, which he spent thousands on dollars on the other woman.

My husband is bull headed, strong headed, controller, manipulator. You are dealing with a time bomb. You are starting to lead a life that he will do whatever he wants, and you will become a doormat. Don't, if I had it to do over, I would of told him to get his stuff out. All he is doing is controlling you by stating that if he leaves he will never come back. I have learned through counseling with battered wives, this is a phrase all controllers use. You have to set boundaries, and set them now. I wish I had, and I would of not suffered as much as I have.

Also, my husband is very disoragnized, and this would of set him swirling so many years ago, if I had said, go, get out. Cause we run our own business, and he would of been so disorganized, not knowing what to do. But I was a doormat, and there has never been one apology from my husband for his behavior towards to me, just me. He has and still justifies his sexual affair, and he doesn't see what he has not said to make amends. I saw a Dr. today, that her controller husband tore her rotator cuff of her shoulder. She had the same Dr. that did her shoulder as my shoulder on my rotator cuff that my husband tore. Her husband and my hsuband are quite similar. Both are intelligent, controller, abusers.

I finally one day said I have had enough. My husband would sit on marriage buildres boards here for hours upon hours, typing phylosophying, and giving his opinion. He fed on this board, and like the Harleys said, his feeding on this board, fed his negative attitude. I would make dinner, and he would want all his dinners served to him while he was at the computer. He wouldn't sit at the table with us. It was disgusting how he treated me and the kids. It is so selfish, and uncaring, and unthoughtful. Don't let your hsuband do this to you.

I finally said, get out, I can't stand this. He was getting fatter and fatter, sitting on the baord, eating and eating, big meals every meal. I worried about his health, and would say, don't have this, just try eating this much. And he would tell me, no I want this and that. So I did it to please him, and I was killing him. So I finally said I had enough. Plan A didn't work very well. Like he said, and your husband is saying. He will do plan A his way and nobody is going to tell him what to do. I finally said, he can have someone else in his life to control and manipulate, and tell what to do when to do how to do. I want to be me, the one who loves people, loves friends, and used to love to laugh.

Now my husband just sits in his 'hovel' and he is corresponding to woman on the internet. I know this for a fact. Found the evidence. And he is exercising, since fall, and lost some weight. But he has the problem of being a heavy eater. Would feel his depression with food. Not healthy, but he might be getting this under control, but it is going to always be a problem for him the rest of his life. He was a fat child, and grew up being a fat teenager. He had food for comfort since he grew up with an absent father. My husband does not see that our one son is doing thte same. I fear for this son that he is becoming fatter. And that he is not interested in exercise, he resents what his father has done, and I see him retaliating against his father, for what his father has done to this family.

If I wsas you, I would impliment plan B. and Do plan B your way, the correct way. My husband didn't want to do plan B, he wanted it his way. I should of from day one said, this is the boundaries. If you don't like it too bad. I will throw your stuff out on the streeet. These controlling men, abusing men need to know there are boundaries and that you are a viable person. Look at yourself, and see yourself as someone, not your husbands spouse. They only see you as a demenial implement of life. I am no longer his wife, I am a good person, and caring person, and I am moving ahead. Move ahead, to stay with this person now is not good for you. The only way it is going to imrprove, is for you to move ahead, and leave him behind. One day they will see what an asset you were, but it may be too late. So what. They were the ones that decided to have sex with someone in their marriage, and didn't see anything wrong. God will punish them in his time.

Move on, get your life together. You are young and the opportunities are out there. I am not taht young, but today was the first slight of hope for me. And I am going to reach out for it. Also, I found another support system from a professional person that has dealt with the same situation I am in, and the same Dr. did her rotator cuff surgery. Today was good for me. You will have good and bad days. Just remember the ups and downs are normal.

Thanks Faith4me.
Yes there are some similarities but many differences.

My H is never physically abusive.He can be sarcastic but that is all.

He keeps the A hidden from me as much as he can and in fact my discovery has prob made it harder for him to continue with contact as he no longer phones her at night or weekends etc.

He shows no signs of wanting to exclude me from his life apart from the emotions he shares with OW. It is she who is excluded.he is a father of 3 and she hasn't met them, hasn't met any of his family and he does not acknowledge their A to his colleagues. I wonder why that could be....ashamed maybe-I put this to him, of course he denied it!

He has made small efforts, not generally sustained for long,because of my LBing but he phones me, sometimes even accuses me of not taking his calls,once even waited and dropped heavy hints that he wasn't sure if he was welcome to our usual Tues evening family dinner(because we work and finish late, the girls eat early most days).

He brought me a beautiful gold bangle back from a trip in Dec for my birthday/wedding anniversary.It was meaningful-he had bought me one when we got engaged and he knew for years I wanted another, without a clasp as it kept coming undone.

Fob off or a man who simply can't make a decision? So maybe I should make the decision? Not to kick him out but to decide that we are still married,that our marriage is alive and in recovery, and keep PlanA ing for all I am worth. I am in IC and learning a lot. I will be-am already I feel-a better person, and more accepting of myself . I now take the view that I will take this journey with my girls and if WH comes along too-wonderful. If he falls behind along the way-that's his decision and I will know I did all I could.

This is hard to feel-I believe it but some days I do not feel it. But I am getting better at holding my tongue and stopping the LB's. They mostly are about stuff that doesn't matter!.

I must say that reading all this MB stuff lately has been helpful especially [H] and Mortarman . I don't post much because I just can't think of wise words to help but thanks to all of you who read and post to me.If anyone knows of a similar story to mine that HAS worked out with recovery I would love to hear it.

Deluded

<small>[ March 15, 2003, 05:59 AM: Message edited by: Deluded ]</small>

I waver between continuing to Plan A, try to be like Knewjie and hang in there.
Waiver between doing Plan A and what?

You should do a GOOD Plan A and try for 6 months before Plan B. This doesn't mean trying to do a good Plan A.

Before you go to Plan B, you need to very much understand MB principles. I highly recommend before you go to Plan B, you should consult with Steve or Jen Harley (1-888-639-1639).

When deciding on Plan B, you get everything sorted out BEFORE you do it. When you go to Plan B, you ask him. If he won't do it, then you already have a plan for you to leave.

Hello Chris and thanks.

I think I did a good plan A for 5 months after my first D day before I found out we were in false recovery and he was still in contact and seeing OW. It was a huge blow as during that time we had a lovely family holiday with another family, and I organised his 40th birthday party and all is friends and family commended me for my efforts. I really thought we were ok-it was only because I am a little anxious by nature that I picked up on some signals he gave out after a trip away when I KNEW she would be there and snooped again.

I waiver(thankyou-knew it didn't look right) between Plan A and ignoring that he is still in contact via phone and email, or kicking him out and presumably going to Plan B. We have 3 children. I will not leave and he would leave if I asked him to do so.

I consulted with Steve Harley 2 weeks ago. He was helpful but there were no new ideas. He commented when I asked him directly that separation would be an option if I couldn't tolerate the situation any more. He commented that H is very good at compartmentalising OW and the rest of his life. I do think he would be shocked if I asked him to leave. And I also think he would not ask to come back even if he wanted to,the pattern of our relationship is that he lets me do everything. Except propose-he did that!I really think he would not come back if everyone knew about his A. Going to OW is impractical-he lives too far from her.

Thanks for replying. I am really stuck on this question-it seems that we are both fence sitting. If he stays ,I can PlanA even better but he can continue contact-and if he leaves do I go straight to Plan B?

Deluded

If he stays ,I can PlanA even better but he can continue contact
That is the dilemma. Part of Plan A is negotiating without LB for the ws to stop the affair and all contact. How? Good question. You know your h (sort of <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ) and how he (usually) reacts to something.
I suggest you let him know, lovingly & gently, that contact with her is unacceptable.

-and if he leaves do I go straight to Plan B?
Probably. You can start thinking about what needs to be done when you go to Plan B. Also, if he does leave, wait a day or two for everything to even out before you do it. But I wouldn't suggest putting it off much longer than that.

faith4me,
My husband didn't want to do plan B, he wanted it his way.
It matters not what they want. It is how you do it that matters.

Hi Deluded,
You know from my posts that my situation is broadly similar, with my WW and I having made no big progress (surprise, surprise, as she was still in contact). More drastic measures, like me leaving or starting the divorce procedures, were aborted as I simply couldn't do it. I think the difference is, that by now my W is frank about her contacts, but refuses to stop these :-( - a while ago, she simply would evade any specifics or led me to believe that everything is hunky dorey. It's so tough for them to commit, isn't it? I wish my wife would leave the house and find out for herself, but she refuses to do so. maybe you could ask you husband to leave the house for a while until he has made up his mind and/or comes back with a clear plan?
N