I am the BS and my wife was the WS. It is difficult for me as a man to think of another man being inside my wife. It is even more difficult to think of her allowing another man to do so, especially with the risk of pregnancy and disease. I actually caught Herpes from my WW and that is how her affair came to light. From a male perspective it seems as though it is be harder for a man to forgive his cheating wife than it would be for a woman to forgive her cheating husband. Perhaps this is because it seems more obscene to me when a woman allows another man to enter her while she is married to another. What are your thoughts on this?

As a female BS, I find it very painful to think of my WH with another woman. I don't know if I would use the work obscene. I try not to think about it. As late, it has been very difficult.

It makes no matter, male or female. This is as individual as the people themselves.

I can recall people on MB quoting statistics before to me saying that women are far more forgiving than men as far as BS go. I don't recall any numbers though.

Jen

I remember here that women were far more forgiving than men. For the sake of the woman is a caregiver. The woman is the one who has the emotional bond. The woman is the one who has the committment. Men don't have the same desire as a woman. And if you were to talk to my husband , his theory is that men are out there to spread their DNA.

I was actually watching a show on sexual jealousy last night.

It seems from this show men are far less forgiving, due to the primal instinc of *partnership/ownership*...believe it or not is has something to do with the testical size in the human male compared to chimps and gorrillas ect and their use for them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ( spreading that genetic factor)

My husband actually wanted to change channels as it was dealing with affairs..but it was so interesting. He was more uncomfortable than I was, I think because he has OW's husband was not so happy with him.

On a side note approx one third of all murders committed by males, sexual jealousy plays a part. Should have seen my husbands eyes light up at that one!

I defintly say the man is the one that is less forgiving, because I have been on both ends and I can forgive easily, but afraid of my H going back to the OW.

This is just my experience, but I would say that's it's easier for the woman to forgive.

My 1st H always said that he would just leave if I ever cheated on him. I wanted to try when I found out about his affair and he didn't.

My 2nd H has said that he would leave if I cheated on him. His 1st wife cheated and she was the one who wanted out. I've told him that if he ever cheated on me, I would probably still want to stay with him and try to work things out. He also said that if he cheated on me, he would probably leave because he wouldn't be able to look at me every day and live with himself. He thinks the guilt would be too hard to overcome.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I would also say it's easier for a woman to forgive. Women are often raised to believe that all men cheat. I've certainly heard many older women say that 'when it happens' we need to handle it with grace.

How many older men ever told the younger guys, hey, when your wife sc3ws around, just let it slide off your back? It just don't happen.

its a double standard, but I could never forgive my dh for cheating. I have always felt this way. It would be too painful. $hit its been 3 years since I found out he looked at PORN and it still tears me up, if he actually went and did what I did , nope no can do....... Him on the other had told me he forgave me the night that I confessed.

More than one thought here! First, I believe women do forgive more.
But, I can truthfully say I believe it's the same if not more painful for a women whose H cheats!
Mfisher, You mentioned the thought of a man being inside your wife?
Well, the thought of my H being inside another woman, sharing the same love making techniques or different ones? Saying the same loving things? WE have a great sex life, always have until a few years ago. his rejection of me, not other way around. Now it's better again, but I have to admit that I always wonder if he is thinking of when he was with her, does he enjoy as much with me? He says better, but too many lies to not wonder if it's just for sake of pacifying.

I think a womans emotional stability and many other areas are harmed by A's of H.
But for the man, I think it's mostly ego!
I also think most men think it's nothing to have many women, But for a woman, their wife, she's looked at as a Wh---. While they'd never think of the OW as such. In fact, most or some I've seen defend the OW! And her moral character!
So, all in all, men do not really realize the pain of his A on wife. The emotional damage done. He has a harder time forgiving, IMO, due to his ego more than any other reason. Some men seem to think only they become bored with Sex life with marriage, never thinking it's not the newness for wife either anymore. SOME men think they're still the worlds greatest lover, while wife is not anymore! They think variety is the way to go.
My psychiatrist said men take it harder than a woman when their spouse has an A. If that helps at all!
I still think it comes down to their feeling manly or not. It's an insult to their manhood. While they don't seem to consider it an insult to a womans femininity if they have an A. Her heart is actually destroyed.
Women, I believe, love stronger, so therefore are able to forgive more readily.
I might ask you. Does a man quit loving his wife for an A? I mean if she enters one?
Most women still love their WH.
Ok, enough confusion. For the record, I said SOME MEN, NOT all men. So don't attack me men. LOL
I know some men are able to tie into the feminine side much better than the majority. So therefore are more in tune with a womans' feelings.
I think men should be as ready to forgive as the women are. After all, satan doesn't care what gender you are. He goes after everyone!
And according to God, we are all to forgive. Nowhere did he say only women should forgive. Or men.
God bless, LouLou

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My psychiatrist said men take it harder than a woman when their spouse has an A. If that helps at all!
I still think it comes down to their feeling manly or not. It's an insult to their manhood. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yup, as my H has said so many times, and repeated again just tonight, he feels like everyone looks at him now and thinks of him as a man who couldn't meet his wife's needs.

Jen

While I agree with most of what the ladies here wrote, I must tell you that one of the things I've witnessed first hand and thru other men I've known whose wives have also been in A's, is that many of these women are unrepentant about their A's. These women tend to view that their A was all their H's fault and under those circumstances, ego or not, forgiving a woman may be almost impossible to do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">..if he actually went and did what I did...nope,no can do</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Euphoria if I had a dollar for every time I heard that line, I would be a very rich man (I said it myself before I found out about my ex-WW's multiple PA's). But the truth is, nobody knows what s/he would actually do until it happens to him/her. You may surprise yourself to find that your love, and not your ego, may be in charge of what you actually do.

you are exactly right, so I reserve the right to change my mind in the unikely event that it happens. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Emotionally it would kill me, especially now since we are at a place ,while not fully healed, but oh man I am sooooo in love with my H . It would crush me. i woul do my best if he was repentful and I do think it would be best for the kids. I guess it just hurts so bad to even think about it I block anything out of my mind. It also makes me think that it could possibly be a detrient ,him knowing that. ANywho lets not think about that anymore!!!! LOL

I think Ladylou's comments are pretty stereotypical of what is said in society and I think Zorweb is right about expections of response. BUT...

I believe the data is that 90% of marriages where infidelity occured it didn't lead to a divorce. Other issues did. And in case you are wondering women are rapidly catching up to men in having affairs. Aren't you ladies proud. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

But, my experience reading here does not seem to show much difference between the two with regard to forgiveness and/or pain. If the latter can really be quantified. In the exteme case I have never seen a woman come here and tell us that her H had a 27 years affair until the death of the OW. Yet, I have seen men come here who found out their W had a 27 year affair, and that one of his children wasn't his, and he forgave her. I have seen many men hang in when their WW have had long affairs, Q and Space case come to mind, and their W's give them little of no hope, yet they forgive and keep trying.

The same for women. If you want to read about a woman that was simply the master of Plan A, go search in the archives for Lostva. Or go read Lor's story with 7 separations and finally a good marriage. There are soo many.

My personal filling is that Coffeeman is right, until you get there you don't know how you will respond, but Zorweb touched on a very important point: expectations. I cannot tell you how many people have come here and thought their marriage was over and after reading and posting here gave it another chance. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have posted over 5000 times here, and easily read 4 times that many posts, probably closer to 10 and it is amazing to me how forgiving people really are inspite of their pain.

So mfisher while I can understand where you are coming from in your conjecture, I don't see data to support it and the same for you LadyLou. It is far more complex than one thinks precisely because while we still have certain tendencies to respond a given way, most people can still think and evaluate, which means it is hard to generalize.

Interesting question. It has been asked before a few years ago, but it is good to revisit these things from time to time and see what people think.

You have my thoughts.

JL

<small>[ March 17, 2003, 07:10 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

Generally women are sociallized to forgive infidelity as "boys will be boys"...which sadly defames so many upstanding men. Men are sociallized to not forgive infidelity because obviously the woman is a "whore".

But reality is betrayl sucks anyway you cut it...man or woman.

Who knows...

ayslyne

justlearning, society supports my view. Has for centuries. where you been?
There are always exceptions to any rule. Of course, some men are very forgiving and some women are not.
Exceptions exist in all areas of life. So a couple of us are speaking as a general rule of society!
It hurts no matter who does it.
LouLou

Ladylou,

Your view is very common, but the statistics don't support it. Most marriages survive adultery, whether they really recover from it is another story. Hence a site like this.

The problem with annodotal evidence is it only accumulates those cases that shout out their anger and their divorce. The ones that suffer an A in their marriage and make it work don't often make a lot of noise.

Women don't have a lock on generousity of spirit and the soul. I hate to run your image of us guys. Nice guys are not in the minority. We are just a lot quieter.

God Bless,

JL

Keep in mind men often internalize their pain...hence we boil until we explode.

Call pride but most men will not seek a support group...indeed most men believe they will be looked at as less of man if their wives have an affair.

Plus by and large men are not viewed as emotional as woman so we are not as sympathic victims as women are.

Indeed studies of infants show mothers of girls will pickup a crying baby much quicker than a crying boy.

These are of course generalizations. But still they seem to the norm.

I have similar feelings ("Four Lovers & A Baby" in the "Just Found Out" section refers)

I respected and treasured my wife's body throughout the last 15 years (13 married) and truly made love to her in every way with tenderness and feeling.

Even if things happened too fast for me, from time to time, I still made sure that she was satisfied and never "rolled over and slept" leaving her frustrated (or so I thought, maybe ??)

To find out now that she was prone to other men (first was a love affair, then two casual relationships and now a one-night-stand) and seems to have preferred the sponteneity and excitement of other relationships over me.

The last time it happened (last week) she knew that I was waiting up for her after her girls night out and I actually spoke to her on the phone (not realising that she was actually in a car with the OM, on the way to his house for sex) but she still chose him over me.

The next morning she arrived home literally glowing - as she does when completely sexually satisfied ... and later told me all about it, together with new revelations of the 3 previous OM.

Her eventual honesty was appreciated ... although so, so painful. But again I cannot help thinking that it all came out due to them being caught by the OM's wife and the fact that he later called my W to tell her that he had been arrested (adultery an offense in this country) after his own W made a police complaint.

I am still waiting for a knock at the door as the police took some of my W's possessions which she left in the OM's house.

I too look at her body now and cannot get out of my mind the thought of other men kissing her all over, undressing her, discovering her beautiful body, running their hands over her intimate parts, entering her body etc.

I hear her cries of passion, words of sexual encouragement to her new partner etc., which turn me on so much when we have sex, and the OM finding out the wonderful way she has sex.

I still love her, want to make it work and sexually desire her but there are still things that eat me up as there is, as yet, no firm explanation or reason from her.

If we are able to support each other pls either leave message on my column or PM me.