ALS -

Hang in there. Stay strong you will survive.

I havn't posted my whole sitch on the board as yet...still wrestling with recovery from my recent adventures in the middle east. I had to meet up with my STBXW to exchange some paperwork and OM jumped me! Fortunately the meet was in a public place and I had a mate in the background to mind my back. I think that the STBXW was trying to make me look like some kind of monster so she could file a restraining order against me in an attempt to frustrate upcoming custody/access hearing.

Make sure you don't get ambushed by OM when you meet up with your STBXW. Take a friend to act as a witness or better still find out from DMV if you need to be present to sign over the car. If not, get the STBXW to mail you the D papers with the car papers.

Who Dares Wins

Digger

STTSI --

Yeah, you and I followed the same patterns, pretty much. The only difference I believe is that my W's A has gone on much longer than your W's, hasn't it? I could be wrong though. I do regret basically not going to PB sooner or sending the letter sooner. Cerri was pretty much right on track as to when I should have done that stuff, I guess part of me wanted to believe being a nice guy would turn her around.

Thanks for the continued support, I've made so many incredible friends here. The way everyone gives of their time so selflessly is amazing.

Digger --

Hey, thanks for writing!

Thanks for the tip, I will certainly keep that in mind. Unfortunately I do have to be present to sign over the car title.

It's true, I guess it is possible that W would show up with OM at her side to sign the car over, she may try and give him some sort of line that she doesn't feel safe going alone or something. Of course, I'm the one who's more worried about her going nuts, I'm basically just planning to be there to sign the title over and get out.

Of course, no matter what fight she tries to start, I'm not getting involved in that.

I think she's calmed down already though, and that's good. She had a normal reaction to the PB letter exposure. She freaked out. But it seems like that ended now, yesterday over her lunch hour was the last time she tried to call, she didn't try once last night, so I feel better now, I can tell she has calmed down a bit.

I suppose when she inevitably asks the next time I see her why I was not taking her phone calls and avoiding her, I will just tell her the truth: That I knew she was upset and did not want to talk to her in that state of mind?

ALS

ALS-

I was in a bit of a funk after reading Mortarman's last post to you. I didn't realize how much those written words affected me until this morning in the shower. Every single wrod written was about me. I recognized myself (and your W) in each pain filled word on the screen.

It actually deppressed me and scared me at the same time because I truly don't know how I will act in my next "R". Sure, I've done the therapy, lived alone, looked inward, but I'm still afraid that I will always turn to someone else when I am at my weakest. Just like I am afraid that my depression will come back.

Maybe my reasons for wanting my X back were tot prove to myself and him that I could be different. Maybe the fact that he rejected me sends a message to the insecure child in me that I'm still damaged...How I wish in my heart that I had a H (like you and many other's on this board) that would have gone to the lengths that you did to save the M. To have someone love you that much and be THAT comitted to a promise is beyond my scope. Or maybe it isn't becauase in the end, isn't that what I tried to do?

How long do you hold on for?

Sorry about the threadjack. Mortarman really hit home pretty hard. I needed to share that.

How are you? Any more trouble from W last night?

p.s. STTSI and I are thinking about buying Cerri a cell phone so she is accessable to us WHEN WE NEED HER <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Do you want to chip in for the cost of the phone?!?!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

To paraphrase an old saying about an animal that I don't talk abouyt....."You can give a girl a cell phone.... but you can't force her to answer it!" LOL

I was asleep before my 8&10 yo's last night.

C

Cerri --

Oh yeah, I forgot to address the cell phone thing. It's an amusing statement, but I think we all know that your only rest from the madness is to get away sometimes. You don't wanna take that with ya. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Plus I think (hope) that most of my crises have passed now.

By the way, C -- That stuff you asked me to remind you to post about is in this thread somewhere up there, may have gotten buried already though!

Kily --

Well I think the good thing about MM's post is that you read it and you realize that you don't want to be the person that you were. You see the similarities, but the difference is you are aware of yourself now and how your actions affect others as well as you.

Of course you are going to worry about some of those things coming back, that's natural, but always remember the strides you have made and everything you have learned. It's not that you still have that need for your X, it's just that you regret what happened and long for a chance to make it right. That's natural.

You ARE special. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And you will be very happy in your next R with all you have learned.

As for W, she has not called since the single call during her lunch hour yesterday. Not a peep last night. I think she just needed a day to calm down. By the time I need to see her in 2 weeks, it should be civil, though I'm sure she'll express discontent over my PB letter mailing, I don't think there will be shouting or anger like there would have if I answer the phone or the door.

ALS

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 07:45 AM: Message edited by: ALostSoul ]</small>

Yeah, your W's A has been going on longer than my W's did. But what does that mean? You and I are only left to wonder what it means and that to me seems like a waste of time.

Keep the faith bro!

Remember my W filed for Dv. I responded quickly to her papers and then the Dv process stalled. I finally got to the point that I didn't want my W or the M anymore. I remember telling Cerri "There is no M to work on." I met with my lawyer to push our Dv process along because I was sick of holding on to a M that I thought never was going to be. It was after all of that when W contacted me about reconcilliation. We went for 3 months in PB with NC!

Please, if you have ANY love left for your W, than why not give it some time?

Thanks, man. I really am trying to not lose all faith in my M, but it's been a tough week, and it's been very hard to read what both OM and my W said to me. Very difficult words to see.

I know part of the anger came from my sending the PB letter to everyone, and I expected that, but I just get a really bad vibe from the whole thing, too. I know my W well and I can tell that she means business. I just have less faith than ever that she'll want this marriage, in fact, after this week, I don't even have much faith she'll ever want to see me or speak to me again after a divorce.

I still have love for her, I still remember how wonderful things used to be between us, and know how they could be as well. I don't think back to our problems or arguments, I think back and remember all the smiles and good times we shared. I hope she hasn't forgotten that stuff as well, because it sure feels like she sees all of her time with me now as a waste and a very unhappy time in her life.

I am not rushing anything, though, but I will allow the process to continue if this is what she wants, but it will be done slowly at a pace which I am comfortable with.

I guess I am just down because the A has been going on for 7 months now and appears to be getting stronger, with them getting closer as time goes on, now that OM has met her family and also judging from the way he defended her. It certainly doesn't seem like they have any intention of ending it, and that's too bad.

ALS

ALS have you thought about moving to another place (not necessarily out of town)? Staying in the house or apartment ,where much of this ordeal has taken place, is certainly a downer. I'm not suggesting that moving to another place will cure all your ills, but it will certainly not be a contributing factor to your depression.

Actually being home doesn't really depress me that much at all...I don't think moving anywhere different would really CHANGE anything, anyway.

I have sort of a good situation in that I found, purchased, and furnished a lot of the house before W and I even started dating. Sure, once she moved in and we got married it did become "our" home -- though she never considered that to be the case, I think she resented the fact she wasn't involved from the start. But now that she has moved out, it's more of an adjustment for me. I lived there a year and a half by myself before she moved in. So sure, there are memories there, but I like the place and I'm settled in.

Plus I live very close to work there and it would be a huge financial hit to sell the place and start in a new house. I've only been there 5 years and there's still 14 left on the mortgage.

If anything, though, I may never know for sure, but I'm hoping that if I get a divorce, W and OM move out of the area. They work together though and love their jobs so I doubt I will be so lucky. I guess I sort of resent the fact that SHE is sticking around this area considering this is where I grew up and settled, and now she's seeing all the places with OM that I introduced her to. I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does.

So, strangely enough, I think I'd feel better if she actually moved away than if I moved myself.

ALS

Does she get to stay in the US without being married to a citizen?

Yes, at this point she does. I'm not sure of all the legalities, there MAY be a form she needs me to sign to allow her to stay afterwards, of that I am unsure.

But we basically handled all of her paperwork (at great time and cost to me) before and after we were married. She's not a US citizen, and she never really even NEEDS to be to live here, right now she is a "conditional permanent resident". Her residency would become permanent automatically if she just remained married to me, however without being married to me, I am not sure how that works. Chances are, she will NEED my cooperation at SOME point if she intends to stay here.

Something tells me she might plan to move to Canada or have plans to with OM, to be closer to her family. Her lease is up in November (that will be a year since she moved out), so that's a good time for her to transplant. She's always missed it in Canada and never wanted to leave. OM may be more open to that than I ever was, hence a way he can make her happier than I could. I had a stable, well-paying job here, owned a home, etc, I am a lot more stationary than OM seems to be (living with his mom and working a low wage hourly rate job).

By the way, it looks like she again attempted to call from work this morning and leave a message, though I still have the machine off.

Still eagerly awaiting your PB stuff and other topics, C! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ALS

ALS my ex-W was also a foreigner I helped get legal residency. The law, at that time, said she had to be married to me for 2 years before her status would become permanent. Since I was married to her for 14 years, she obviously attained permanent residency. IF the 2 year requirement is still law, and iF you get divorced before the 2 year anniversary, she MAY loose her right to be in this country. From a Machiavellian POV, she's better off delaying the divorce until AFTER the 2 year anniversay passes.

OM may be more open to that than I ever was, hence a way he can make her happier than I could. I had a stable, well-paying job here, owned a home, etc, I am a lot more stationary than OM seems to be (living with his mom and working a low wage hourly rate job).

I will eat my sox if he moves with her to Canada.

Still eagerly awaiting your PB stuff and other topics, C!

I might be able to do it this afternoon, kids are home to day for the first day of vacation, so we're ironing out schedules and stuff.

C

Well, that's a very VERY interesting point that TMCM brings up.

I wonder if that 2 year requirement is still law, too. But you know what? I wish I'd have thought of that sooner. Unless papers are actually filed by the 9th of this month (yeah, that's in like 4 days) she WILL be married 2 years before the divorce is final. So, it's possible that I could have made things very difficult for her if we'd done this sooner. At this point, even if she files this summer, the 90 day period will run into the 2 year mark for the marriage. I wonder if she knew this.

I'll hafta try and find out the law on that.

Cerri: We may never find out what happens with W and OM, unless of course I'm needed for an immigration thing, I don't anticipate I'll hear from her or see her after a divorce is filed. But I do know that W LOVES her job here but doesn't like the area itself. If she stays, it will be due to her job. OM may want to move away, too. He certainly doesn't seem to have his roots in.

ALS

You may apply to remove your conditional permanent resident status (that was obtained through marriage) if:

* You are still married to the same U.S. citizen or lawful permanent resident after two years (your children may be included in your application if they received their conditional resident status at the same time that you did or within 90 days).

* You are a widow or widower of a marriage that was entered into in good faith.

* You entered into a marriage in good faith, but the marriage was ended through divorce or annulment.

* You entered into a marriage in good faith, but either you or your child were battered or subjected to extreme hardship by your U.S. citizen or lawful permanent resident spouse.

* You are a child and cannot be included in the application of your parents for a valid reason.

* The termination of your conditional resident status would cause extreme hardship to you.

I don't beleive that retaliatig against her using her immigration status is worthwile. Remember that even if her status becomes permanent, it doesn't mean she can't get deported if she gets convicted in the future of a felony. Until she becomes a U.S. citizen, deportation will remain her sword of Democles.

Does anyone think it's a coincidence that she wanted to meet with me regarding signing Dv papers ON or AFTER the date 90 days out from our 2 year anniversary?

It's sort of ironic really, if I would have given her a divorce when she wanted, she never would have made the 2 year mark and then would have had to face being deported (basically, if I claimed fraud, they probably could have) but if I wait and allow the 2 year mark to pass, she is free to stay without my permission.

There's still time, but not much. And the only way to speed this along would be for me to file the papers myself. Now I wonder if she's known this all along? Maybe she's just been waiting to push until she knew she'd safely hit her 2 year mark.

ALS

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 01:25 PM: Message edited by: ALostSoul ]</small>

Why do you think she postponed the meeting?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know you were away. I saw your website.

Friday will not work for me, I don't have the car. It is in the shop and I am getting a ride in so my schedule is messed up. Anytime the week of the 9th would be good, prefferably at lunch time. We may only need to go to the notary. I will check with the DMV.

I will bring the paperwork with me. You can look it over and we can arrange to get together some other time to sign it. I assume that you will still split the cost of the divorce with me. Let me know if that is different. And yes that is what I want. I told you that the last time we we sat down and talked. I wish you knew how much stress it caused me. I just want everything over with so I can go on with my life.

I just want you to know that I honestly have a chance to be very happy, and this is the only thing standing in my way.

Thank you for getting back to me. Let me know what day will work for you.
--
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I had to go all the way back to p. 20 for that one.

Get in gear and change this date if you want to go this route...

You only have days.

I'm actually not sure what to do now.

I feel sort of stupid now that I didn't check on this sooner, she may not have either -- But I also feel like she has just been playing with me now to prolong this, but now knows that she's got her 2 years so is now rushing it along and if that's so, I really resent that.

If I want to push it along, basically all I can do is get the forms myself, fill them out myself, email them to her and then meet with her to sign them next week, change my tune and split the divorce cost with her, and file them myself (or together with her) immediately.

ALS

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 02:07 PM: Message edited by: ALostSoul ]</small>

ALS-

To me, the timing seems to close to ignore. She is no dumb girl....

Whatever you choose, we support you.

You have mail...

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 12:18 PM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>