ALS here's a non-gay, male bonding hug for ya ((((((HUG))))))) (Can I have your Bud?) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

DEar ALS:

I truly just wish you peace.

Jack

Thanks, folks.

It's not a big shock, really -- I can see the bigger picture now and this really is the right decision to make.

Back in March, when W and I had the big talk that started this thread, I did agree to sign divorce papers. After that, her need to have them taken care of suddenly disappeared until just before now, when she knew she could get them signed and filed and still make it past her 2 year mark here in the country.

So, really, all this time it's been nothing more than a game to her, and a way she could love someone else, live with them, but still use her marriage to me to remain here legally. I resent not only her cheating on me, but that she continued to use me even after that. It's something I just can't stand for.

I don't anticipate an immigration battle - She'll get to stay here like she wanted. But after realizing her motives here, I think my LBnk just went way way negative, that's all. I'm at peace with my decision to get this divorce. A girl who would cheat and manipulate me like this doesn't deserve me.

I am sad for her, and sad for myself as well. But this is something I must do. I hope we can get this filed quickly and smoothly. Then the need for any further contact with her should be gone.

ALS

so spend the $ for the dv papers ... fill 'em out ... and send them to her via courier at work. decide what you want to do about the car. attach a note with instructions on what to do. see what happens.

ALS:

I liked JL's remarks. Deal with the DV filing and let INS deal with the other thing.

I'm also very sad that this is what it's coming 2, but it's certainly one of the possible outcomes you were up against.

But the healing had already begun when you came here last year. It can continue now, and will be different, but it's still healing.

There really is nothing else 2 do.

-2long

lol at your sig, 2long!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I look at it this way: I took a stand with sending the PB letters out and

Some may have theorized that they needed time to work their magic, and that it would end the affair. The way I saw it was that I was just seen, and would continue to be seen, as the guy standing in the way of W's happiness (at least, now that she's let me stand there just long enough to stay legally in the country).

So, the divorce was coming, whether it was this month, or next month, or whatever. And until that day came, I wasn't going to be free of the turmoil.

What I'm offering right now is giving my W what she wants. She wanted to have this, and now, she'll have it. The strong suspicion that these last 3 months were stalling tactics to use me to stay here is enough to drive me over the edge of where I feel I can continue to hope that she'll come to her senses.

I consider it a last move. Certainly a surprise move, I don't think she'll have expected this. I won't fight her on it, just get the process moving as fast as possible. I will still hold out a very small thread of hope (like JL says, a VERY small thread) that in these next 90 days, W will come to some sort of realization that she is making a mistake. It's highly doubtful, mind you, it will probably take a lot longer than that, but that's okay. It will come.

By the way, JL -- Your post is a masterpiece. I've already read it 4 times. It just makes so much sense and summarizes it all so nicely.

ALS

2ble

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

Hm...

So what's the difference between making her face the consequences of her choice (if it is that) 2 use you by filing before this deadline, and sending one or all of those great sample replies 2 the OM and her? Aren't they both intended 2 "force" her 2 think? Or punish her/them from the vantage point of a loftier perch?

I've never quite unders2d.

-2long

2Long-

She's not worth the effort...it would only give them more ammo to feed their nasty little love life with. It also makes ALS look like he as to defend himself, The truth is, he doesn't. He's made his stand and now he's walking off into the sunset...

ALS - do the paperwork and do the courier thing. Like JL said...take the wind form her sails. If it was meant to be, she will be there...if not, someone else will be...of that I am 1000% confident and would bet some yankee tickets on it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugs.

Well, I'd be curious to hear if Cerri thought it would be worthwhile to send any of that stuff to OM anyway...My guess will be she'll agree with Kily in that it's not worth the effort anymore.

The truth is that I did make my stand with the full truth there, laid it all out, and was shot down for it, even made out to be a jerk for doing it on top of all that.

Hopefully W will get back to me tonight and we can get together soon to get this taken care of. I know many of you are sorry to see me taking this step, as it's very non-MB in approach to take such initiative, but with the latest developments, I have weighed my options and do believe it's the right thing to do.

The previous divorce papers I hastily downloaded, if that is what W is using, are inferior to a new set I have found online. They cost $80. I'll purchase those, and W can pay for the divorce herself as I previously said.

At least in taking the initiative and filling out these new papers, I am sending a message to W that I am giving her what she wants, and that I am NOT going to stand in her way of the Dv anymore. In a way, it is a relief and nice to not let her have complete control again.

ALS

ALS:

My guess is that Cerri will still feel sending the letters is a bad idea.

kily made good points, and I concur (and understand a bit better the whys of this).

This is NOT "non" MB-ish on your part. Don't ever think you're not doing the best you can with what you've got.

-2long

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 03:37 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

Woah!!!

Big oops. I'm going 2 edit the post, but in case you don't see it change, I meant 2 say
"this is NOT *non*-MB-ish!"

Big difference! Sorry

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So, really, all this time it's been nothing more than a game to her, and a way she could love someone else, live with them, but still use her marriage to me to remain here legally. I resent not only her cheating on me, but that she continued to use me even after that. It's something I just can't stand for.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ALS,

I have been watching your post since the beginning. My W left almost the same time yours did. Your comment above worries me a bit. Your wife has hurt you and used you but if you do not forgive her then this will haunt you forever. I haven't gathered from your post that you are religious but regardless I think that a line from the Lords Prayer fits here. "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us". Only once you are truly able to forgive her will you be able to find peace with yourself including your past, this marriage and most importantly your future.

Let it go , let her go.

Als-
for you

If you twist and turn away
If you tear yourself in two again
If i could, yes i would
If i could, i would
Let it go
Surrender
Dislocate

If i could throw this
Lifeless lifeline to the wind
Leave this heart of clay
See you walk, walk away
Into the night
And through the rain
Into the half-light
And through the flame

If i could through myself
Set your spirit free
I'd lead your heart away
See you break, break away
Into the light
And to the day

To let it go
And so to fade away
To let it go
And so fade away

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
Wide awake
I'm not sleeping
Oh, no, no, no

If you should ask then maybe they'd
Tell you what i would say
True colors fly in blue and black
Bruised silken sky and burning flag
Colors crash, collide in blood shot eyes

If i could, you know i would
If i could, i would
Let it go...

This desperation
Dislocation
Separation
Condemnation
Revelation
In temptation
Isolation
Desolation
Let it go

And so fade away
To let it go
And so fade away
To let it go
And so to fade away

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
Wide awake
I'm not sleeping
Oh, no, no, no

U2's Bad.

Good Lady of the Forest!!! I go to the Y, to hopefully (and without any luck), get the kids to settle down for a bit and I come back and there are two new pages!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Ok, so having had time to think and reflect.... while trying to stay awake as the kids played in the pool.... here's what I think.

I wouldn't attempt to deport a WS simply because of an A... that would feel like revenge and nastiness to me.

I would... without a moment's pause... do whatever I could to deport an affair parnter who was in this country illegally. That would do a lot to end an affair and get some distance between the lovers.

In this case though, it's not just to make waves with immigration or not.. out of spite... It's that is appears she manipulated the timing of the dv so that her ability to stay and work in the US would not be compromised. THAT I have issues with. That goes above and beyond what I expect and what I see with addictive behavior common in affairs. It's devious and ugly. Scheming to use another person to betray themself... in a way. She uses ALS and the fact that she is married to him as her means to stay in this country and to keep her job with OM. That makes the hackles rise!

Now, if he contacts her and says he'll sign ande file the papers immediately, and she backs off..(even though she's home and able to call multple times each day)... claims she can't do it before the 9th... we have a pretty good confirmation that this is exactly what she's up to.

If on the other hand she thanks him for his change of heart and is relieved to get it out of the way asap, then we're wrong, and Plan B can continue as before.... with ALS looking like he's considering her wishes.

Playing both sides? I suppose. I claim to be a coach, I never claimed not to be able to scheme with the best of them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I am, after all.... female. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

C

Oh.... the replies to OM.... naw, that's just getting into a nasty engagement that can't be won. Don't go there. Don't do power struggles. Think like the royal family.... say nothing.

Geesh, ALS this sux. Big time. I am truly sorry to see things coming out the way they are. No matter what happens, I think you know you can hold your head high in that you did the best you could to do the right thing. Your W WONT be able to say that. And I agree with C, if it turns out she is stalling to stay, ship her out. I wonder, if she is stalling to stay, but it's too late to do anything, do you still confront her about it just to say you know? Interesting thought. Don't know what I would do. Best luck/wishes to you pal.

MTD

Well, the more I think about it, she probably didn't even have to stall to stay anyway. The law basically states that if there's a divorce before those 2 years are up, she just needs to prove that the marriage was entered into in good faith. I know I come down on W for a lot of things, but I do believe she loved me at the time we were married. Sure, at some point during the first year that love started to lessen, but I still do not believe that she got married to me for the sole purpose of being able to live in the U.S.

Now, on the other hand, she very well seems to have extended the divorce out so she can satisfy the 2 year requirement, JUST TO BE SAFE. I'm suspicious that was her scheme all along. So for that reason, does she deserve trouble, or even to be deported? Probably. But the letter of the law states that she really can legally stay here anyway (I believe) just because our marriage was a true loving one when it began. The only people they really go after are the ones that marry ONLY to get in (fraudulent reasons).

So, while morally I think she doesn't deserve to stay here, I think legally she'll be able to no matter what.

And I think C and I were right, too -- The girl who was so anxious to talk to me all this week now has not returned my email or a phone call. My guess is she'll conveniently disappear now until after the 9th when she's got her 2 years. Pretty sickening.

Thank you for the lyrics, Kily. I read them often. Very nice and thoughtful.

PB - I am a very forgiving person, and I won't downplay the importance of forgiveness. I am working to be able to forgive her for everything, I am, and I will get there, I'm just not in a very forgiving mood today. But I will reach that point, eventually.

Cerri understands just how deep and devious of a betrayal that this is for W. She carefully planned this out to drag it out for this period of time, not out of doubt or perhaps a thought of reconcilation, but rather to ensure her place here even though it's not really deserved. Now, I'm partially to blame, at any time I could have told her that I wanted to sign papers and she may or may not have agreed then, but I do feel at some point she realized it would be easiest for her to drag the M past the 2 year point.

So far, we're right -- Seems she's backed off. She'll resurface after her 2 year deadline is safe and claim she wasn't available, but we'll know the truth.

Either way, to her I am giving her exactly what she asked for, like Cerri says, I am respecting her wishes and PB continues.

Playing both sides never hurt anyone.

ALS

You know why this all makes me sad? I actually keep wanting to be wrong about W, I really want her to not be as deceitful and horrible as she appears to be right now...

Yet not a peep form her. Sure, it's possible she's giving me the silent treatment back just for spite, but chances are she doesn't want to sign those papers until Monday because she's been playing me all along. Such a shame. Because I know she's had to have seen my email by now.

Well, I guess at least I know the truth now. It would be nice to hear from her just so I can get the papers finished and ready to go for next week, at least.

ALS

Hmmm...This is interesting. Anyone here been through a divorce before?

Seems that I can start the 90 day divorce process without even her signature, even on a no-fault. I can at least go and file the claim and get the process started, all I need is to get some information from her and I'm good to go.

Of course, I need to get things signed and drop stuff off at the courthouse again within those 90 days, but it looks like I can actually start the process, even no-fault, without her even having to see or sign any papers.

Is that true?

ALS