I just had a fairly calm and rational convo with my H on the phone. (I had to whisper the whole time, but we talked about a variety of things.) As usual, he had to be crude and ask me if I wanted to come over to have sex. I said to him that he must know by now after the countless times I've told him that I want to be treated like his wife not his sex toy, that the answer would be no. He said he didn't need a wife, just somone to have sex with. I asked him why he didn't just have sex with someone else then, and he said good idea and hung up.

Just when I think I've emotionally distanced myself from him, and that I can be okay on my own, it hurts all over again. I don't miss him exactly, but I miss having someone there to ask for a hug whenever I need one, to hold at night, to cry on the shoulder of, and to be loved by.

I'm just so lonely tonight. I was able to reach out and hold or talk to my H and one time best friend for nearly 7 years, and it's still so hard to only have a teddy bear to take his place.

If you're struggling with recovery, but you are living with your spouse, cherish each and every time you get to hold him or her.

Jen <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

PS: He called back about 20 minutes later (just now) and asked, "So you want me to f*** other chicks?" I told him that no, I didn't want that. I just wondered why if he didn't want to be married that he keeps coming around to me. The convo ended quickly after that again. I'm just so sad tonight after being so strong for so long.

<small>[ March 16, 2003, 10:20 PM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

Hang in there Jen.

With the illness and all this mess, I know things have to be hard on you. Your WH definatly sounds like he's got issues. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself like that.

Keep up the faith, get better, and rest. Plenty of fluids and you'll be talking again in no time.

Thanks JohnnyB.

I ended up going to see my H last night. He was actually nice to me, and I even got him to admit that he understands why I am not comfortable just having sex with him when he won't make a committment to working on this marriage.

I think he and I were both lonely and needed someone to hold last night.

BUT I still know that if we're ever going to make this work, we need MC. It's the only way I'm ever going to get him to see that he needs to treat me better. He won't listen to me.

Jen