I am sad.

He's very sure or continue to sound the part...

Said his apt looks great now. Ha, Ha...

Said he thought I could be civil. Go the mediator route. Go the collaborative law route. No, I have to make it difficult. He's going to have to SERVE me...

And serve me, he will. At some point, it will have to happen.

Not sure how I'm going to get through this.

Terri, it's time he does just that if he's still so sure he wants a divorce. He's done nothing but taunt and torture you with it for too long. If it's time, it's time. Divorce won't change things for him...he'll still be miserable and angry...but it can change things for YOU. At this point, however, it's still just words. So find something that brings you happiness today, and focus on that.

Dear Hope, Thanks for replying.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">At this point, however, it's still just words. So find something that brings you happiness today, and focus on that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will try to hold on to this to make it through the work day.

Hope, did you file or was it your husband that started the process? Wanted to clue into your "wakeup"...am unsure as to what role I should be playing right now. Should I be cooperative or should I just let him do his own thing?

Hugs

Terrified..

I think it's time for you to quit worrying about him or his reaction to a n y t h i n g...

I think it's time to without calling him names or being mean to just meet him head on with all his crass remarks...

I think you say OH goodie...apartment looks good now...so that means that you have it all set up to visit with daughter there...and will no longer come in to MY house....just to be crabby to me...

that's not a LB...thats reality...the thing he is numero uno on avoiding...

i think you say oh goodie...now I can find someone reliable to do the yard work...do you know who the jones down the street use...not an LB...just reality....

oh gooodie...when you go to the lawyers...just know I'm gonna ask for the cam corder...OK that's is a LB...don't say that one... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
mumble it so he can't hear you....

in your other post you said he said...

Told his friend to come back and ask me why he had the A. Asked his friend if he would ever take his wife back if she had an A. So if I do, it's because I feel guilty about something.

did you tell him...well if he does ask...I would tell him the truth...that you didn't tell me anything was wrong in our marriage...found another woman online...and abandoned your child and wife for her without even thoughts to counseling....
and i would tell our friend allll the mean things you say...alll the time...bat eyes...look confused...

Ter, you still put him in some fantasy world in your head. ..that he is this happy well adjusted guy who has effectly processed his actions and taken his accountablility into the demise of his marriage...and is secure and confident in moving on...a marriage and it's demise take two....unless one spouse just bails and finds someone else....ooooh wait that wasn't you that was him...why do you continue to feel guilty...if you are buying his crap of you are to blame for all of this..then you need to get some time away from him...

He is none of these things...he is so stuck in anger, blame and his award winning performance of reality avoiding...that it is not funny...

LET him file...don't you dare...and get a dam good lawyer..
Let him even begin to live the consequances of his actions....
Be calm, even keeled, happy with you...you are of great value to many in this world...inspite of his garbage...

ARK

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Said he thought I could be civil. Go the mediator route. Go the collaborative law route. No, I have to make it difficult. He's going to have to SERVE me...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The totally uncivil man thinks YOU can be civil. Gosh, you could have been civil, if he'd been faithful. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Or nice. Or civil himself.

It's totally up to you, but you don't owe him civility. If he's divorcing you, you protect yourself all the way through, financially, custody, support. All of it. When I got a lawyer, she was a barracuda by reputation, and a Christian, she was all for my saving my marriage, but if I couldn't then, I'd get what I was equitable.

T-

I think you still want to save your marriage and you still have a chance. My advice is to tell him that this is not what you want, but if he insists he will have to file. YOu believe with work and commitment your marriage can be saved. Be kind, be loving, no lb's no matter how seductively he BAITS you.

He is looking for you to mess up, so that he can blame you for the destruction of your family. Leave it all on him, so he can decide what to do on his own.

I see so much of my wh's immature bickering going on, that I also bite into.. with him.... He is a hurt puppy in the corner biting everyone who comes near him... Only if you are consistently KIND will there be an environment where things can be worked out... b/c in his FOG he has convinced his alien self that you are the BAD one who hurt him... granted we all have joint responsibility, but most ws blow us bs' responsibility for the A way out of the water... don't they?

But you are the more sane one for now, so I suggest- you try kindness T. No sassy-ness - hey a few months back you were out to parties and dining together.. He wants the family back together, but there needs to be a way for his coming back to not destroy his precious male ego, immature he may be, but hurt and angry...

Be patienet T. I hear all the surly comment mbers have for your wh, and I too, agree, it has been a long time--- but don't let this destroy your family- this is a delicate balance, and if you get through this with YOUR LEAD to a more mature relationship.. he will thank you one day, even if it is only friendship and divorce. You can set the Godly example like Christ.

Love him despite his own actions and destructive nature T. You can do this, don't bite back- I fear it will destroy the chance you still have.

Pray for patience in you and your wh, that your darling D's candle wishes can come true... they can! Does wh know what she wished for.

How about IC for you or D, maybe D is too young, but surely christian counseling for you would be a plus, I am in IC and it is WONDERFUL.

Keep praying that your wh will have the strength to remember your love as it once was, and to work through this crisis for reconciliation.

Hugs, Honey

<small>[ March 17, 2003, 12:12 PM: Message edited by: Honey ]</small>

Honey--I'm glad to see you post with so much thoughtfulness.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Be patienet T. I hear all the surly comment mbers have for your wh </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I'd be among the guilty.

Terri--I should be more clear that I'm not advising you to bait your H, but just be centered in your own thoughts as to the truth of the situation.

You sound so wounded by his accusations, I want you to realize that the things he says about you are not the truth. No matter how many times he says it, or how sure he sounds. You aren't uncivil and you aren't in the wrong.

Reading your posts, I'm reminded of how sure my H was that we had no future...and how many times over a spread of 18-20 months I tried to persuade him that we did. But no, he couldn't be the man he had been, "this is who I am".

The man I live with, with whom I reconciled, has no resemblance to the one who was a WS, who couldn't live with me, who didn't want to be my husband.

It wasn't until I said, "ok, you're right." That he finally could stop rebelling against my "controlling" and realize that he wasn't too happy with the direction he'd taken his life, and figured out within himself what he wanted.

But, at the same time, from my long months of effort, he also knew I truly did love him and when my bank was nearly drained, he saw and missed the difference. So the loving behavior had also been the right thing for a time.

I don't think you'll gain anything from arguing with your H. Just don't buy into his "bad Terri" package.

i 100% agree with Lor

i have not given up on this yet....

the fact that he has faced not reality and processed any of this beyond the same old blame game..speaks volumes of work still to be done...

He has been stuck in this same pattern for a long long time...stagnating everyone...with continual put downs and the poor me mantra...

my biggest fear is that you do believe him ter...this man has no power over your right to be...
You feel pain for him any time his reality gets close to him...and even worse want to lessen the lessons he must go through to learn and grow...
accuntability hurts but it is through it that we learn how to be accountable....

I agree with not argueing...but not with going belly up on his inane baiting and blame...I think you've taken enough...and stand up for yourself and your boundaries....
He is no wounded puppy in the corner...he is a grown dog...to afraid to get off the porch...so he bites so he doesn't have to do anything...

arguements name calling no...
boundaries, strength, you bet
believing his lies...no way...

ARK

I too agree with ARK AND LOR! Great advise from great MBers - I thank both of you for the help you have been to me!

I also agree that your wh is being a TRUE MEANIE, and that is saying it in a very nice way....

What I have found, and christian counseling and regular praying and more kind, loving behavior is certainly helping me to get to is that no amount of arguing or evil talk back to my wh, even nice evil talk ... slight lb's helps... not one iota.

It helps to be kind and loving, plan A.

It also helps to draw back , plan B, or modified plan B.

It helps to move on, divorcebusters attitudes.

It helps to pray for them. Try Power of the Praying Wife, I am rereading it this week, awesome!

It helps to give it to God, and let go.

It helps to agree with them, when they are accusing of us... of whatever it is... f.e.
I LOVE LOR's statement above:

*It wasn't until I said, "ok, you're right." That he finally could stop rebelling against my "controlling" and realize that he wasn't too happy with the direction he'd taken his life, and figured out within himself what he wanted.*

That so sums up a wonderful way to let go.

Thanks LOR!

No amount of pleading, begging, cajoling, etc. can ever make them want to come back... when they truly start to lose us and they see that we sure tried and showed love, even when they acted like a ..... blankity blank.... maybe then, they can see.... these stubborn wh, that is.

Please only take my posts as my humble experience and thoughts, do what is best for you... ! I just wanted to tell you that my comments were not taken well when they were bites back, even when he bite first.

Hugs and Hope and Prayers to you and your family this week,

Honey