I am in a little bit of a different situation. My WS and OW are both very prominent in this small community. I am certain that the majority of the movers and shakers in town suspect the A.

Her parents are also very prominent, and I am considering sending them an anonymous letter letting them know what their daughter is up to. I realize that the danger for me is that if I am found out, it would be a real LB. The upside is that if they find out, the secrecy really is over.

Any thoughts?

Is OW married? Did she and your H agree to NC? If she's married, I'd tell her H...if she's agreed to NC then not sure I'd tell her parents, though might if she didn't stop.

Yes, OW is married and her H knows. I have had one contact with him that I initiated, it was a very pleasant conversation (we were all friends). Limited contact has been initiated, since they are working together, NC is not an option at this time, although WH is looking for another job in another city.

The problem is that OW is continuing to contact WH on the pretext of business and making it difficult to make an emotional break. I'm forcing myself to trust WH and I believe that he is telling me the truth now, just occasionally leaving something out. I am not willing to force the issue, I am hopeful the complete truth with come with time and MC.

I believe that OWs parents would be appalled, and have a no-nonsense talk with her. My only problem is the possible discovery that I am the one that sent the letter.

Are you really contemplating sending an anon letter during a period of time when you want total honesty from your spouse? Do you see a problem here?

<small>[ March 18, 2003, 10:06 AM: Message edited by: devilsadvocate ]</small>

I personally have not asked WH for anything, not honesty, not NC. Right now, I am just waiting to see what will happen. In the meantime, I don't see why I can't do a little something to push it along to an end.

How did you find out? Do you mean that A is still ongoing? What does your H say? Why haven't you asked him for anything? Being Open and Honest with each other is crucial. You can't rely on OW's parents to end the A. What are your H's intentions? Please provide us with a little more background. Thanks.

As I was reading this post I was thinking back on all the times I did something that I thought would end the A for good......and ALL the times it backfired on me......too many to count.

You cannot assume that by others knowing that the A will end. You can't count on them talking sense into anyone. People will do what they want.

The A....or the contact needs to die a NATURAL death....between the 2 of them. No others involved.

Otherwise it will leave at least one of them with unresolved issues and the possibility of contact is even greater.

With them working together....this is even more hard to do. Your H finding a new job would help alot.

Has your H let her know that he no longer wants to have a relationsip in any way shape or form with her?

Believe me.......writing that letter.....anonomously or not.....will more than likely backfire on you.

I've got to side with Miss Priss on this one. I've thought about writing the OM's parents. I've played golf with them and talked with his dad some in the past. His dad is a retired principal of a Lutheran school and his mom was teacher there as well. The purpose of my letter would not be to break up the A, but rather for the OM to face the consequences of the A and his betrayal of me.

All this would do is cause more trouble and probably end up hurting my XW, driving them closer together and stiffen their resolve to make their R work.

He's the one that has to live the lie and my XW is the one who has to live with him. His parents aren't stupid. They probably have an idea about what was going on. I'm sure they've been told I'm a drunken wife beater who hates her kids and only thinks of himself.

If they can make their R really work then they've got something special. If it fails the cost will be very high. Betraying a friend, lying to your family, lying to your friends and forever affecting the life of a woman you love and her kids. For what?

Remember the OP's parents are his family and you will just be seen as a vindictive XS.

What do you have to gain from this? If you really want your S back the A has to end a natural death.

Be bigger than them. Hold your head high. You'll will feel better about yourself and your friends and family will respect you for it.

<small>[ March 19, 2003, 10:17 AM: Message edited by: I Did it Again ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by devilsadvocate:
<strong>Are you really contemplating sending an anon letter during a period of time when you want total honesty from your spouse? Do you see a problem here?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DA, I don't agree that she should contact the OP's family, however, radical honesty is something that should be practiced in RECOVERY as an AIDE to recovery. It does not mean that we blindly use it in a destructive manner to forgo protective steps [snooping to verify truthfulness for example]. If snooping or sending anon letters aides the relationship and/or protects the BS, then that practice should not be subordinate to the practice of R.H. These are general principles and not intended to be followed in such a legalistic, blind manner that it actually causes harm.

ISLH,

To answer your question, I really see no purpose in telling the OP's parents. It might cause trouble in their relationship but that does not ensure any change in the relationship. I think the only result would be to paint you as a vindictive person. Even though you send it anonymously, the finger will be pointed at you.

Gosh, what great replies!! I have decided not to contact the OW family, I figure that someone will tell them sooner or later, and you're right...it shouldn't be me.

WH has initiated limited contact, since working together makes NC not an option. He is starting to look for another job, and will probably get one in another city. I will hate to loose our MC therapist, she's wonderful and is helping both of us to boost ourselves up over this situation and to try to fall in love again.

Thanks for all of your advice, it was warmly welcomed. I still don't think it's time yet for the brutal truth, it will come out as time goes on and WH realizes that I'm truly not angry (surprisingly, I'm not at all at either of them, just betrayed). He has said many times that he is waiting for me to drop the other shoe and really have a fit about it. I've never been that way, so I don't know why he thinks that I would do that now. Transferrence I guess, WH knows that he would have a cow if I had an A!!