Well, this evening the WH and i had a long talk/argument. He was telling me he "may" (if he medical problems are ok'd) be put into active duty. He was saying it could come as soon as next week. (he is in reserves.) He has had me doing this and that in regards to him leaving and in regard to who will be paying the bills--me. He got onto the subject of I am not coming back, i want to dissolve our marriage, i am not happy, she makes me happy thing. He said he has been unhappy for the last 6 months. He had an affair because she gave him what i didnt--affection and attention. After i found out about the A and we were getting MC from a pastor, we expressed what needs needed to be met. I told him he didnt give that a chance. He told me i am in denial, that he wants out, they are in love, and she makes him happy. I explained i dont want a D, which he quickly replied w/the same I love her and i want out of our marriage. I told him he didnt give us enough of a chance to fix things. He said i am in denial. I said you are the only one happy in this and the rest of us are sad. He said who is that. I said me and the kids. He said i still love my girls and will still continue to see them when i have a chance. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

This feels like the end, he made his point, i am not the one he loves. He loves her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I dont know where to go from here. I am so much in shock that there was no fog, there was no hope, i was just deluded..and its over. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Be strong.

He's scared and blowing hot air.

He says you're in denial, delusional, made of green cheese .... whatever, it doesn't make it true just cuz he says it!

Be strong. Be good to yourself. Make him "earn" his way out of this marriage. He has done no work to recognize what went wrong , other than it's all your fault. Which, is hogwash, and you know it.

Hang tough. He's military and is deeply misguided if he thinks he can simply abandon his "duties" ... which also means you and the kids.

Pep

I, too, heard he loved other woman more than me, when i first found out about A. Took him all of 5 seconds to step back and say, or he thought he loved her.
Now months later, he says he knows he was not in love and made a terrible mistake.
When they think the OP is making them happy and giving them attention, that all changes when it comes down to everyday life. All they've had so far is the fantasyland!
Unfortunately, I don't know how to shake your H out of this.
But I'm sure some of the old timers here will know. Work the plans A and B?
I just wouldn't make it easy for him to divorce though. Not until this has had a chance to cool down. And if he gets deployed, he definitely doen't need to divorce right away.
I pray for you and your pain, and also that some wise sage here can help you devise a plan.
God bless, LouLou

Kuljey.. dont give up..we have to stick to Plabn A.. I am in the same baot with my WW.. she is still in the house and she refuses to leave.. wants me to... she better not hold her breath..Take a look at my thread SHES LEAVING ME..seems like the same story over and over...
Hang inthere and dont give up..if this is what you truly believe..there is tons and tons of hurt with BS.. but i am doing this for my family.. even though she is being so cruel..I am really banking on tis being FOG... keep your chin up and pray.. pray . pray..

Don't give up Kuljey, read my post about Help Bad Night and now my daughter might be pregnant. I defintly think he is in the fog.

Look at my "Feel like I'm Grasping at straws" thread. WW talked to me last night for the first time in a month about R. Said she loves him. Hurts too much to try our marriage again. Wants a divorce.

It's the same record, repeating over and over again from all these WS's. Do they not think we hurt too? Do they not see the pain caused by these A's? My wife acts like our 6 months of unhappiness and fighting were horriable, unimaginable, and unforgivable.

If she felt the pain I've been going through since she walked out and moved in with OM, she'd consider that a day at the fair.

Anyone have a good method for burning off this *&^^$ Fog?

Keep up hope Kj. With hope and prayer, we all still have a chance.

<small>[ March 18, 2003, 07:28 AM: Message edited by: JohnnyB ]</small>

kuljey....Read my long thread "I am starting to get confused" (a few posts down from this one). Anyway I thought the same thing as you did and I am having great progress. A week ago she would not let me in the house and I just had dinner with her and my son sunday nite in the house !!!!!! If it was not for Meloday, WAT and Q I would have gave up. But thru thier/our determination I am making slow but very good progress.

DO NOT GIVE UP!

how can there be hope, how can there be anymore plans. i dont see it. he said sooo many times, over and over, i am not coming back! he said over and over he was unhappy and now is happy. today is two months of being gone. i feel so ill w/wht he said. i am the pit of hell. why? because i thought there was hope and i asked him to at least try..he said no way/no how would he even consider counseling w/me or returning to the house.

someone please understand..i am in the lowest spot i have been in my life. i need help. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

kuljey:

I really feel for you right now. I'm very glad that several other of the newbies have jumped in here. It is AMAZING how similarly these things play out. They almos have to follow this script. I'm no psychologist or therapist, but if you look around at many of these stories, you'll find that everyone seems to need a certain time for the A to ramp up, be exposed to the light of day, have time for the fantasy to start to collapse, and then true remorse for the damage done to set in.

Spacecase and I had dinner the other night, and we were talking about this among many other things. One thing we talked about was how it seems that there were key times when certain of the affair-related books seemed to be the most helpful in our own situations. And how, in situations that are at the stage your own is at, books like "Surviving an Affair" (which you can order from this website, but is readily available in bookstores) can REALLY be helpful. You should get a copy and read it. It has so many examples of exactly the same kinds of situations as you are in, that it can be a real comfort at this time.

kuljey, you will survive this!

regards,
♥Qfwfq

Kuljey,
Does he seem happy?

When my H was done with his 18 month PA, he called it "vile". I can link you to the post where he said it. But during it, he told her he loved her. He told me he hadn't loved me for a long time.

My timeline probably makes you CRAZY to think about, probably not even all that much of an encouragement. 2+ years from the time the PA began to final reconciliation.

I told you before, giving up doesn't solve your problems, you still have to deal with the man, and this former friend.

Stop arguing with him. Stay in Plan A. Encourage him to see the kids and handle the way you did last week. There, but not intrusive. Offer food if you want...if she's so young, can she cook? (for that matter <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> can you?) Don't feed him every time he comes over to see the kids, because he shouldn't EXPECT it, but on some night when he's coming, call earlier, say your making his favorite and the recipe makes so much, would he eat with you?

DON'T ask if he loves her.
Don't ask if he's happy.
Don't make him reinforce his current position by constantly defending and supporting it.

And don't do anything to facilitate the divorce, because, like I said, if he's deployed, I think even if it is for homeland protection (I know for sure overseas), the divorce doesn't progress.

One of the ways these situations may turn around, including mine, is with patience, time, love. How much you've got to give of those is up to you.

i saw counselor today. said i am in grief. she said she has been in this business over 25 years and has heard all the excuses the WH gives the spouse for leaving them. she said the man does not want to accept they broke the marriage vow. she said every marriage goes thru problems and that you just dont leave, you work on them. she asked if when we had problems if i left or had an affair. well that answer is NO. i take the committment seriously. i guess i am taking on the blame. AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO KEEP UP HOPE OR THE PLAN A WHEN HE WANTS OUT!

hi there
guess we just have to keep gooing and think waht is best.. I too married for life..some people just dont get it.. marriage is not about changing clothes..Pray.. pray pray...I am trying to keep the faith.. and doing my best to keep up with plan A..although freinds are saying give up... everyone here tells me to fight...these guys know whatthey are doing.. if it works for them what have we got to lose.. I am fighting for my daughters,,,eventhough my WW says that life will be okay... she really is smokking something.. commonsense will tell youatherwise... DONT GIVE UP.. we can get there...its going to take some work but as everyone says.. if you make yourseld the better K...you are going to be a better catch for the guy who is going to traet you loke a queen...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO KEEP UP HOPE OR THE PLAN A WHEN HE WANTS OUT!

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kuljey, did you even read my post? I was pretty specific, concrete...does that kind of thing help you?

kuljey,

I'm jumping in here with the rest of them. I've been through it! Man is it hard to go forward - to do the "right thing" when they are saying this garbage. But, don't give up! Even if you can't do a very good "plan a", just hang in there. It will get better. Try to detach from the situation, not hang your soul on every word of his. As others have said, don't bring up "relationship talk". Don't ask him anything about his relationship with you or his relationship with her (right now). This is for your sake.

Step back.

Don't beg him or chase him. Try to put on the "strong, independent woman" mask. Even better, make it real - not a mask.

I recommend (in addition to SAA) the book "Love Must Be Tough", by James Dobson. He talks about "letting the bird out of the cage". You've got to let you H be free - sounds weird, but think about it: If he feels like you are trying to cage him in, he will be DESPARATE to get out - like a caged wild bird. But, when you let him be free - and just be the best you that you can be, he might start to think about what he might lose.

We all go through these down times. My W and I moved back in together 5 months ago, and still about every other week there is a day when I think "It's over", but it's just a roller-coaster ride. When you're at the top, don't assume you're going to stay there - and when you're at the bottom, assume you're going to come back up.

-AD

so if i understand just go on with life and just get me better. and keep up hope...?

also, he seems so DEAD SET on being w/her and divorcing me. today was 8 weeks of being gone. so, tell me, is there hope...

and thank Lor, i reread your post. i really appreciate all your responses. i am hanging on by a thread right now and you all help me keep hanging on that thread and not letting me drop.

how can there be hope, how can there be anymore plans.
Because it has been proven over & over again using MB principles.

also, he seems so DEAD SET on being w/her and divorcing me.
If he is so dead set on divorcing you, when is the final hearing? By this I mean he has not even filed yet.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> so if i understand just go on with life and just get me better. and keep up hope...? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is EXACTLY what you need to do. Put yourself #1 right now. Make yourself the best that you can. Exercise. Eat Right. Read. Pray. Do things that make your life enjoyable (a hoby, craft, sport, etc.)

Your WH probably wouldn't be intrested in coming back to a complete emotional wreck. But a strong, kind and caring woman, with independance and power to survive... That's always an attractive option. Focus on you, and in turn you'll be making your WH want you back. He'll see what he's missing eventually.

Hi, Honey. You don't know me. I got an email that led me to Jo and her post led me here to check on you. You've gotten great advice from Lor, Chris (Hi, guys! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) and all the other folks around here. Listen to them.

Look, after Robert left, he and PT opened joint bank accounts, joint credit card accounts, put the vehicles (two of OUR vehicles)in both their names. He taught her little one to call him "Daddy" and they started planning the house they were going to build. He took her everywhere and introduced her as his fiance.....including our town (they actually lived an hour away) and our friends and business associates. They sent out joint Christmas cards to all our friends, etc. (He actually got the list from me! LOL)Heck, he was even paying for a lawyer to start the paperwork for him to adopt Leah as soon as they were married. Now, darlin', THAT'S committed and "in love".

And now? Well, they're certainly not married, or even speaking! But we are. And stronger than ever. This is not easy, no one ever said it was, nor is it fair, but you've got what it takes to get through it and do it right. Lor's right. Just stop discussing the two of you. Right now. Stop discussing them. Immediately. It doesn't do any good. You can't have a relationship talk with someone who's convinced it's over. Don't whine, cry, manipulate, use the kids, make him feel guilty, throw out his familial and parental responsibilities (not that you do these things...I haven't read that far, I just know I WANTED to <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). Try to imagine the woman you'd like to become no matter what...and just do it. It really is that simple. Not easy, but simple.

There's no telling how this thing will turn out. But you have more control than you realize. Because, no matter how hard it is, you can control yourself. And, I'll tell you one important thing. Your marriage may or may not be over b/c he's saying it is.....but it most certainly is over the day you decide it is.

This is hard, but you can do it. Hold on to yourself. For you and those kids. It can get easier, so hang in there. We're all pulling for you.

Lori

Hang in there kuljey. I know how desperate it can be sometimes. My WW never has brought up divorce or told me how happy she was with OM. But her actions were extremely hurtful at times and still are. She planned a weekend with the OM to go to his home town and pick his son up back when this started. She seemed excited about going with him and having a weekend in the city. It was as depressed as I have ever been. Well it turned out that they never went on that weekend trip. She made up an obvious lie about why it didn't happen and I figured out it was because the guilt she had would not let her go through with it. That was the first clue to me that things were not as wonderful as she made them appear. My point is that while your husband is in the fog you don't really know what is going through his mind. Try to stay strong and remember this. I have read many stories here about WS caving in when it wasn't expected, even some the day before there divorce was supposed to be finalized!

Lori--great to see you! You probably already have in inkling in my earlier post to Kuljey, I was thinking of your story about serving Robert, was it crab alfredo? and poor little PT had the bacon and pop tart (hence her initials) meal all ready to go for him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Who doesn't love that story? I'm glad you are doing well.

Kuljey--Lostva is one of the best Plan Aers ever. Her loving behavior to Robert was an absolute inspiration for me, during my own Plan A. And, I was at about a year of Plan A when she arrived at MB...and she got to recovery about 6 months before me!

Don't worry so much if Plan A seems to be working. Just do it. No matter what the outcome is for your marriage, if you put forth your best effort, you have less regret. None of that, "if only I would have...."