[QUOTE]I just started on thye ads..hope they will help.. keep taking the ads..QUOTE]
what are ads??

i am trying to not LB, not even calling WS. but, he seemes so determined that its over that he loves her and they are in LOVE. so, how can i keep up the hope..

i know i have to keep on going for me and the children, and i am trying to be the best i can be at this point!

ads: Anti-depressants

You are doing well, considering!

Take care,
-Qfwfq

do u think that ppl who meet in these A's really fall in love..i am trying to keep up the hope that his DEAD SET attitude is just some farce..

Kuljey,
The majority of affairs end 6 mos-2yrs after starting and/or discovery.

Only 5% of affair partners who marry are together after 5 years.

There's a very dismal outlook for your H's relationship, plus she's not an equal to him in age or experience...which may start out exciting, but wear on him later.

None of us can guarantee your H is not in that 5%...but it isn't likely.

Keep yourself together, do a good Plan A when you have contact with him, and don't worry if it is effective or not, just do your best so you have no regrets about your behavior.

kuljey ~

Yes, many WSes have real feelings of love for the OP. Does it mean that the marriage is over? No one can give you that answer in any specific situation. In many marriages, no it does not mean that the marriage is over.

My husband truely fell in love with his OW. He thought that she was the answer to all of his dreams.

It's been over 3 years since he met her....he had 18 months in an affair with her. Now here we are, over almost 18 months into recovery...she is long gone...and we are in love with each other again.

You see, kuljey, love feelings come and go. Love feelings based on a relationship of lies and deceit will not last. The choice to love, based on a relationship of honesty, fidelity, and a willingness to love, will result in feelings of love that are based on something much more substantial.

It's a rollercoaster ride, hang in there, and focus on you, instead of what he is doing temporarily.

WH is not getting deployed & he told me once he found about his "deployment" fate he would be divorcing me.

yesterday i had the attitude that he will regret what he is losing. and today i am full of grief.

the girls are going to his moms in texas till friday. i wont have any contact with him, or at least i dont need to have, until they get back. i asked him if he would pick them up. if he remembers...

WISH THIS WERE NOT HAPPENING!

Ppl say, how could you be w/someone who betrayed you, lied and decieved you. I dont have an answer!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ppl say, how could you be w/someone who betrayed you, lied and decieved you. I dont have an answer!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How about:
Because I believe in the vows I made on my marriage day.

Because I believe sometimes good people do bad things (or make judgement errors) and later regret it.

Because I'm willing to forgive.

Because statistically affairs don't last and if reconciliation is possible, that is what I want.

Because God is on the side of marriage, and so am I.

or, directly to "people":
I find you unsupportive of my decisions and would prefer not to hear your opinions on this subject.

kuljey:

Don't feel in any way obligated to just "go along" with his desire for a DV. Blow it off every time he brings it up. Refuse to sign anything, or find out what the deadlines are and stall when there's anything to sign. All this buys time to let him wake up and think about what he's doing to himself and his family.

-Qfwfq

I am just spinning my wheels! Had to meet with WH to get his 11 yr old her military id. when we were at the place we had a knock down blow out fight. So bad i even felt bad. When we were on the way inside the building he was asking me how much i had lost, and i told him almost 100 lbs. and i said also to that, that i would be smaller than his "HO" soon. his reply was i am glad you are optimistic. then inside he gave me this special power of attorney to take care of his daughter for one year. the address that he had the jag lawyer put on it was OWs address. I flipped out!!!! I went bonkers...and this started a fight. I said well now i have proof where you are living. he said, the army knows my NEW address. and i said does your commander know why you live there and with who. and he said that they dont care about his personal business. so anyway, his 11 yr old got up and walked away and we continued. i told him that his OW is a smart cookie to have stolen him from us but i am smarter and "it" will go my way or i will inform the army of what you did. he said for me to not do that and she did not steel him. i told him i will get full complete custody of our 5 yr old. he said well i want visitation and i said when i feel like it. he also was saying that his bills arent being paid. i informed him that when he left he said he would pick up his bills to pay them. but now he says that i should have been paying them. then the 11 yr old told us to stop it. he went to get the 5 yr old a soda. he came back and asked if the 11 yr old and I want one. so i followed him away from us and apologied for getting so angry that it wasnt very Christian of me to act that way. he said i forgive you.

later on his mother got to get her little JABS into me. she was on the phone w/me (my 2 little ones went to visit her in texas) because i was telling her that their plane left and they are on their way. she said she has been thinknig about us and that she understands that the OW puts WH on a pedestal and thinks he is the greatest thing. she said that she sees i have become 'MORE MATURE AND INDEPENDANT.'she got a few other jabs in and i wanted to tell her that if he had told me there was problems we could have worked on it instead of just leaving. she said she was getting upset and couldnt talk anymore. then when i get home there is a email from her that we should not talk about whats happening. oh brother, she brought it up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

also, his father and i had a talk yesterday as well. he said WH wanted to leave me over 1 yr ago but had no place to go. he agrees that having the A is wrong but that the WH felt opressed by me, i was bossy and manipulating?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

WHEW. i am beat up! SEE, its all my fault all of this sh&*!! One day i have a good day, then the next, boom...a bomb falls on me. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Before i leave for work, i was thinking... why did WH get a tattoo w/my name in a heart in Sept on our anniv day, why did he write this awesome NC letter to her and have it scanned and emailed to her in december, but he tells his family that he has been unhappy for one year. the more i think about this, the more it confuses me. whether or not its right or wrong i cant help feeling like HEY, look at what has happened, he never told me there was any problems or i (being the one to likes to fix things) would have fixed/worked on it. i mean, his mom saying this girl puts him on a pedastal just blows my mind..she even admitted they are in the honeymoon stage..duh! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Kuljey,
Rewriting history to make it fit the WS's actions is TYPICAL, USUAL, COMMONPLACE.

Shoot my own H said he hadn't loved me for a long time...now in his recovery mind, he says of course he always loved me!

Do you ever read any other threads? Have you read SURVIVING THE AFFAIR? You'd almost swear that there's some guidebook for affairs, or brain implant, the WSs act so much alike.

I think maybe if you realized how stereotypical your H is, it would still upset you, but you wouldn't FREAK.

I know I've already sent you the military code on adultery, maybe his immediate commander doesn't care, who knows, maybe he's a WS himself...but it's an error to say that the military doesn't care. The military feels they own your H's butt...he has no personal business.

Last fall (MB poster) Daybreak's H's commander actually told her H that he couldn't live with the OW while still married to Daybreak. Her H let the OW have the apartment and I think moved into a hotel or BOQ.

I also recall you saying you didn't want to go the official military route, but nevertheless, don't let your H tell you what he's doing is OK with the military. Did you make a print out or note of the Code on Adultery--show it to him!

after my posts on the 25th (above) i thought that getting out would help. last night had a huge pity party/crying fit. my wh said one year ago apparently that i was a manipulator and that he wanted out. well why didnt he tell me instead of his family. anyway, my counselor (yesterday) said that regardless he broke the marraige vow, when there is a problem you usually discuss it with the one you are married with. so i called his dad who told me that wh said i was the manipulator, bossy, controlling to remind him the OW who was my friend took my personal info to her about our marriage and problems (for advice) used that to make herself to my wh what he wanted (attention affection as he tells me.) i went over this and its doing me no good. but, i have the card where he sent me roses to the house (remember d day was 12-13), it was on 12-20-02, i have the cards he gave me that were so beautiful and sweet, the NC letter that i still have to OW, but then something happens, even as we are in counseling, going to bible study----i think she gave him a ultimatum. she cant be just talking friends either me or her. why did all those niceties happen and just weeks later..boom. i go over the fact that 9-5 on our anniv he did the tattoo with my name..it just all doesnt add up.
someone help me!

Kuljey,
You might not ever get the answer to "why".

You H is trying to make his actions seem reasonable, they aren't. No asking "why" is going to make his choices make sense. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Your H didn't do the right thing in bad-mouthing you to other people while not only not mentioning it, but acting loving toward you.

He's definitely not doing the right thing in taking up with this young girl. Neither is she.

It's good to recognize what did happen, how things played out, your perceptions & acts, and his. Even to look at anything you might have done differently. But you can't undo or change anything in the past, so that isn't where your focus should be.

OK.

Look at right now and what you can do FROM THIS POINT.

You, now, gather your energy, your wits, and be the best Kuljey you can be.

When you see him:
No lovebusters.

As little crying & gnashing of teeth as possible.

Deal with what comes up, if you don't have a good answer for something, tell him you need to think about it and drop it.

Manage the children & the visitation with them with as much composure as you can.

My FWH told me he hadn't loved me for a long time before A! Then he told me he loved OW and she made him happy! Well, they only had 10 days together on two trips to vacation together.
It all looks rosy when they're in fantasyland! But the reality sets in once the honeymoon phase wears off!
Now My FWH tells me he never loved OW, just thought he did and would have been miserable without me.
IT's definitely fog land. Alien territory!
I kept seeing the mention of young girl in your letter. Anyone every heard of these young bimbos marrying a military guy thinking they'll just sit by and collect a nice check? It happens and when he's away from home, she'll be jumping in bed with any guy that comes along!
He's in for some real wake up calls!
I hope you can make sure his military life insurance is made out to you and the daughters!
And he's lying that the military doesn't care about his personal life!Since it effects his behavior, and his ability to perform his duties, they do have a big concern.
Have you looked into the family crisis counseling on base? Provided by military to their families?
You have the other advice here on plans. So follow their advice as I'm relatively new here. But do protect yourself and children.
I'm glad he's not deployed to the gulf for we don't need guys like that watching the backs of the others! Their head is not where it should be!
Hang in. In time maybe he'll come to his senses and if he doesn't, well, you may be better off!
God bless, LouLou

Today i woke up with alot of anxiety that its been over 9 weeks and he is still gone and doesnt communicate w/me unless it has to do w/the children. I am trying to keep praying and asking God to help me and take away my burdens. I keep taking my ADS, i am seeing a counselor. I am doing the best i can with my children. When can i be happy! This sounds so whiney, but it isnt fair. I have been faithful to him, i stayed committed even when there were problems. Why a year ago didnt he tell me his feelings. And this "friend"...sheese. My nights are filled with this roller coaster of mad/sad and no sleep. I feel he is not coming back. I know i have to do what i have to do w/my life--live and take care of the kids. I love my husband regardless of what he has done. Everyone says get over it. I am feeling too much grief right now to even start to think that its over. But like is say.. ITS OVER..I HAVE TO GIVE UP..BUT GOD I DONT WANT TO... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Everytime I read one of your posts, I picture you running around your house screaming and crying EVERY minute of the day. Is this how you are?

You keep saying (over & over & over), “Its over...i have to give up.”

Why?

You don’t have to give up and you certainly don’t have to and SHOULD NOT keep saying it. Stop dwelling on this one thing.

Everyone says get over it.
??? I don’t believe I have read that in any reply to you from anyone here.

Hi kuljey! Just dropped in to see how you're doing.

I think the point to make here is that your feelings are entirely normal, it isn't fair, and all that. But you DO need to think of other things. Make a consious effort to do so. Take the house apart and put it back together if it will help. Get the girls to help you plant flowers or vegetables or something else fun and distracting.

Dwelling on the thoughts that are consuming you will only let the thoughts consume you.

I know, I know. It's a lot easier said than done.... for now it is at least. But i WILL get easier, and better. But it will take time.

Never mind when people tell you it's over and you should give up. Truth is they aren't living your life, or even thinking about it much, so it's very easy to give advice. People here know what you're going through, but we're still not professionals, so keep seeing the counselor, or if that's not working out well, see another one.

And realize: "giving up" is not an option. Where would you be? Right! You'd be running around the house crying all day! You'd still have to come to some peace within yourself anyway. Might as well focus! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Stop worrying about what your H is doing for now. Just be civil with him when you have to talk to him. Be brief in convos. Leave him guessing. Make him ask YOU how you're doing, and be a little reluctant to tell him!

Definitely don't try to figure him out. He's at least 2 mangos shy of a chutney at this point in time. Trying to figure his whacked out processor out will only make you nuts.

All my best regards,
-Qfwfq

The MBers posting to you aren't saying give up, just manage your behavior as well as you can, Plan A.

I know 9 weeks seems long...and I'm sure you are tired of me nattering on about recovery coming 2+ YEARS, (that's 25 months, or approximately 112 weeks) after my H's PA began. If I'd given up at 9 weeks, 19 weeks, 9 months, we'd never have gotten to recovery. I actually did give up at 19 months...but that's a different story, but still a long effort and one I came back to after giving up.

Ask Chris how long he waited for his wife to come to her senses. Unfortunately she didn't/hasn't, but he has my total respect for how he persevered with his attitude that reconciliation was possible, took care of his daughters as a single parent and evaluated himself. And, I doubt he regrets the time? Chris?

Kuljey, some of us, like me, are big on asking questions in our posts, or presenting you with things to think through...could you think through some of them and answer? It doesn't have to be mine, pick Qs or Chris's if they suit you better.

It's just a little frustrating to try to answer your concerns or offer you a different viewpoint and rarely see you respond to anything any poster says to help, advise or support you.

Obviously you don't have to respond specifically...you can post any way you want, but your response really does help us support you in a better way.

Ask Chris how long he waited for his wife to come to her senses.
216 weeks plus or minus a few. No, I am NOT counting, I did have to use a calculator to figure it out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And no, she still has not come to her senses. I (& our doughters) don’t have a clue where she is or even if she is alive. Neither do her parents or any of her 5 bros/sis or ANY of her relatives for that matter.

And, I doubt he regrets the time? Chris?
Not at all. I cannot think of a better way to have done it. But this STILL doesn’t mean it was easy or fun by any means. Just something I HAD to do.

You have to stop & take control of what you can take control of. You! You cannot get him to do anything so stop wondering why you can’t and why he won’t come home.