Actually Chris, that's a year longer that I thought it was...I used my calculator too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . But since you already have my "total" respect, guess I have to bump up my opinion to awe. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Kuljey, timelines like these...me, Chris, we did it one day at a time, cliche as that is, sometimes for me, I went hour by hour.

Chris:

You said this better than I was able to say it to Conan a few weeks ago:

"And, I doubt he regrets the time? Chris?
Not at all. I cannot think of a better way to have done it. But this STILL doesn’t mean it was easy or fun by any means. Just something I HAD to do"

And so, to all BSs and WSs alike: Don't be devastated when your S says something like "I don't regret the past". (we've all heard that at one time, right?) Don't let it destroy the progress you've made up to that point. Try to look upon the A or any other "wakeup call" as an opportunity that you wouldn't have otherwise had, for some REAL personal growth! That's not to say "hey, honey, why not go out and have an A as a favor to me." or something like that. More like "we can both grow from sharing our thoughts during this time of healing."

And if, like Chris, the WS goes away, possibly for good, it's still possible to come out the end of the process a much better person.

-Qfwfq

i have noticed that when WS calls about kids or comes by to see them (not often) after i get so irritated. I get so angry. It brings everything back in my face. Today he called to ask the flight info for the kids coming back from his mothers (the mother who told me that the OW holds WH on pedestal.) He called 2x, i havent called back. I may call him and tell him i am going to just pick them up so i can avoid even seeing him when he drops them off.

i am so trying to think of us and not him. there are just these times when i flip out. i dont run around my house freaking out. i just cry in my room or on the phone when a friend calls to see how i am. sometimes i cry so hysterically that it is astounding. then there are times when i just sit alone and think about what happened.

i do not plan to give up till the end...till he serves me. until then, the least time that i have to spend around him i wont freak out. MAYBE HE WILL REGRET WHAT HE HAS LOST...

just cry in my room or on the phone when a friend calls to see how i am. sometimes i cry so hysterically that it is astounding. then there are times when i just sit alone and think about what happened.
What you need to do is to control it.

Set your mind that you will only do this for a few minutes at a time (no more than 10) and only a few times a day (no more than 3).

If/when you feel yourself welling up inside, do something, anything to get your mind off it. And do something that requires you to think. Watching tv doesn’t count. It is mindless.

Balance the checkbook, color with the kids, design a new mousetrap, etc.

One of the BEST ways to get through this is to MAKE SURE YOU ARE TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF! This cannot be overemphasized.

Make sure you are eating good, full meals with plenty of veggies & fruit & low fat.
Get exercise. Go for a power walk around the block, bench press the kids 100 times, ride the bike, join a spinning class (this is guaranteed to work . <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) But do it & work up a sweat. Exercise is one of the best ways to receive stress.
Get plenty of sleep. You’re mind will wander if it is not rested.

(Always consult your physician before starting any new diet or exercise regimen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

In a week or two you WILL notice a difference in the way you are feeling physically & especially emotionally. You will start looking better also. Then we can watch you on, “Are You Hot?” and see Lorenzo Lllama pointing a laser at your buns of steel. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ March 27, 2003, 10:28 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

i am definately not excercising and with the surgery i had and complications after i need to be!!! then, with the severe depression that i got after WH left its been a bit harder/much more difficult to motivate myself. dont get me wrong, the house is clean (minus my bathroom--i hate to do bathrooms) and the kids are fine.

why is it that i want my WH back so much, but now i am angry or very sad every time i hear from him or see him. WHAT IS THAT ABOUT. He called 2x yesterday and i never called him back. just the sound of his voice brings me back to the bottom rung.

with the surgery i had i definately have to eat right. i ate something to greasy and i was sooooo sick yesterday. (need gallbladder taken out.)

has anyone had any success with the WH coming back after leaving? i am curious.

the crying is not as often as it was, just more intense when it does come out. everyone (friends, family) care about me and say to forget it, he did you a favor. but, my love is still in there.

still holding on to hope! still praying for myself, family, and WH!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> has anyone had any success with the WH coming back after leaving? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ME!

7 separations over 21 months. The longest and last was 5 months. Regarding earlier post it was 25 months from H's PA to final reconciliation.

I've been through it, ok?

3 years of recovery now. Pretty sure that makes us a MB marital success.

And, many posters whose marriages didn't make it to recovery still have excellent advice, don't dismiss it because their recovery was personal not marital.

kuljey,

My heart go out to you. My H asked to come back home two weeks ago. But it almost seem worse he has had NC with OW.He seem angry and is so depressed. He tells me all he can think of is her. He can barely touch me.

This dose not seem any way to live either. I have had pepole tell me it is normal for him to feel this way.I about telling him to go back to her. It just so hard my kids are happy he is home.
I just don't konw how to make it any better.

I wish you luck
Kathy

my daily dose for you all of my saga. today the kids come back from being w/his mom. i am going to be in town (our house is far from airport) w/a friend and i thought, hey i can just pick them up. so i called to tell him. he got upset and told me he was looking forward to spending time w/the kids (a whole 40-50 min drive.) I said well, i am gonna be in the area. He asked why. I said i am going out. He brought up the divorce papers he gave me (the uncontested ones.) He said that he wanted a divorce from me, he doesnt want to be married anymore. I told him he promised he would wait till the whole Iraq thing blows over and why in the heck is he in such a hurry. He said, i am glad you are going out and losing weight, and i want those papers you are holding hostage.

See all what i mean, it seems hopeless, he keeps bringing up leaving me!

ok, so i just got back from the airport. i had been out w/my friend. he called from his cell to ask me if i am at the airport. i told him where i was. first thing he said was i look nice. he tried to make small talk. asked about my grandmothers funeral, her age. i asked him what he was up to, he said he was watching a movie. after the girls were brought out to us we went to baggage claim. they had backpacks and two heavy suitcases, not to mention that i have/had to hold the 5 yr olds hand. left us needing some hands. i asked if he was going to help us. he said no, he was just there to spend time w/the girls. he refused to help us. we managed back to my car slowly. he mentioned he wanted to see the girls for a few hours this weekend. i told him that we were going out of town (going to my moms.) he just walked away.

while we were trying to make small talk he was sitting next to me. i was sort of glancing at his hands thinking those were the hands that used to hold me. it killed me to control my urge to tell him off.

in the car the oldest (WH's 11 yr old who lives w/me now) told me the 5 yr old told their grandma , "i am going to kick antoinettes butt." and she told her to not say that. the oldest was glad to be home. now if you are wondering how the 5 yr old came to say that, well i am too. she expresses her feelings every once in awhile. the anger comes up being angry at the OW, then she is sad that her dad is not here. the oldest said her grandma told them i didnt want their dad to pick them up at the airport.

anyway...i am trying to not let his indifference/standofishness make my mind wander..is he sad..hmm one thing i have been really nice about where/when he sees the girls. a few hours here and there, when he wants. its like a "kid fix." i am like waiting for him to call to say he wants to see them and i am not going places. so i decided i am going to not let him just control this aspect of what is goin on.

oh yea, the 11 yr old said that she saw on her grandmas desk the OW's information..phone, address...

kuljey ~

one way to bring some sanity back into this situation is not to sign ANY divorce papers he gives you without havng them thoroughly reviewed by your own attorney.

almost every WS goes through the "lets have a quick friendly divorce as cheap as possible so we can get on with our lives".

Getting an attorney involved, and protecting yourself is good for 2 reasons. 1. it does add a dose of reality into the fantasy of the affair fog 2. If the WS really wants a divorce, they can get one. Unfortunately, they will often try to bully the BS into agreeing to all kinds of outrageous stuff (which the bs sometimes agrees to in an attempt to appease the ws into dropping the divorce). The result is the BS ends up post divorce with alot of hardship (custody and financial) that is even more expensive to undo thru the courts than it would have been to do it right the first time.

When your H accuses you of hodling papers hostage, just tell him you are having them reveiwed by an attorney. And then drop the subject.

just wanted to add...

very often, not always, but ofoten enough, OW are all about $. Ask Orchid about it! My H's OW was all about $ too.

By insisting on getting an attorney and doing this "right" instead of quick and cheap, you put financial pressure on the affair. When your H has to spend money on his divorce instaed of on the affair, OW often get cranky <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

When they arealize it won't all be a wonderful fantasy, (the divorce process is a huge stress on the affair), cracks can and will start to appear.

So its a win/win for you. No one can fault you for protecting yourself, and by doing so, you make that fantasy just a bit harder to maintain.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by BrambleRose:
<strong>just wanted to add...

very often, not always, but ofoten enough, OW are all about $.
By insisting on getting an attorney and doing this "right" instead of quick and cheap, you put financial pressure on the affair. When your H has to spend money on his divorce instaed of on the affair, OW often get cranky <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by BrambleRose:
<strong>just wanted to add...

very often, not always, but ofoten enough, OW are all about $.
By insisting on getting an attorney and doing this "right" instead of quick and cheap, you put financial pressure on the affair. When your H has to spend money on his divorce instaed of on the affair, OW often get cranky <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, some older friend who have known about me and husband (and what we would do/have) say that OW wanted my life. WHs moms husband has the bucks. we would fly to see them all the time, took us to FL, CA, all on them. the WHs mom would send me clothes, purses, 'stuff' and she would remark how lucky i was. But, the WH was very bad w/money. He opened credit card accts w/o me knowing, but the statement would come here..duh.

but right now what is keeping WH leaving his check deposited right now to pay the home bills is that his mom is funding his trist and she/ow helps him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

my grandma said that i must have no pride or self confidence to not just dump him for what he did. i was just thinking now that the kids are back HOW AM I GOING TO MAKE IT. i am really scared! the 5 yr old is growing out of things fast now, the 11 yr old requires this and that. i start to think how am i going to make it with out him...daycare is so expensive!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Why wont i just let go???? He says i am blackmailing him. Just being around him or hearing his voice gets me so upset. I get just aggrivated, but i want him back..i dont get this step i am on in my grieving process. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ March 29, 2003, 12:36 PM: Message edited by: kuljey ]</small>

A thought just occurred to me.
Seems as if your h doesn’t realize that HE is going to have the 11 year old if you get divorced. You haven’t adopted him, have you? If not, then you have no legal standing with him and your husband will HAVE to take him.

Oh my gosh, i keep having dreams about my husband. Some are just being with him dreams, but last night it was about being intimate with him.

LORAC said on my other thread about the hospital thing: "would send both kids over for an entire weekend and/or as often as possible. Your husband would get the joy of listening to OW gripe, whine, and complain about the kids since she would be around them more than enough to show her true colors. He would also get to see how well she DOESN'T get along with them. Maybe that would make him wake up and see this woman's faults."

I think that would backfire. I NEVER EVER knew she didnt like the 5 yr old cuz around me she was always sooooo nice! But after he admitted affair he told me all, including the fact that it bothered him that ow didnt like his daughter. AND the 5 yr old is just so loving I KNOW she would get along well with the OW, which would make her look even better. And as far as the 11 yr old..... i work a few saturdays from now and WH is off weekends. I mentioned to 11 yr old (his daughter) that i will need a sitter. i mentioned going w/her dad all day or i pay this girl 4 dollars an hour (i am gone total about 10 hours including drive time) and it would be 40 bucks! the 11 yr old said she would pay for it. SO there is my dilema. do i force her to go w/him all day, knowing they wouldnt go to her house anyway since the 11 yr old has told him she doesnt want to see her, and NOW the 11 yr old said that she doesnt want to see or talk to DAD/WH.

As i see it, ( PLEASE TELL ME IF I AM WRONG, OR GIVE YOUR IMPUT ON IDEA ) i am not going to bother him at all. He is the one losing out, and he is the one who wil miss out. Yea, they are getting a free honeymoon..no kids, he is not paying his bills--nor worrying about them, his mom sends him money to live on, and he gets his whore/ow. Fact is, the 11 yr old is not wanting to talk to him, the 5 yr old cries for him---- AND HE HAS NOT CALLED TO SEE THEM! If he doesnt care, should i let the kids even be around them.... i dont know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

input please!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

bump