I was wondering how many of you have found your self "campaigning" to your kids against your WS? How old are your kids? Is the A still happening? Are your kids oblivious to what is going on? or Are your kids asking questions?

My kids are young (less than 8). It's been over a year since d-day, and they still have no clue as to what happened. It is hard to hide tears and hurt from a child - especially sensitive girls. Around d-day both of mine on seperate occasions asked why I was crying, or what was the matter. Of course I never told them the whole truth, just basically that I was sad. The times they asked when their father was around, he would reply that he was at fault for my tears (at a 5 year old level). I never tried to turn my kids against their dad. I would hope that they could grow up and never know this happened. Daughters especially seem to need to have a "perfect" father to look up to. Personally for their self esteem, I don't want to shatter that persona.

On D-day my WH told me the only reason he hadn't already left was because he feared I would punish him by not allowing him to see the children. I said nothing at the time because if that was the only thing keeping him from leaving I was going to use it.

The truth (which I did tell him while things were still VERY iffy) is that I would not even bad mouth him to them under any circumstances. What kind of parent would do that? Once something is said, it can't be unsaid.

I cannot see any advantage to the children to be used as pawns. They need to know that their parents will be there. What truly loving parent would USE their children to gain their own ends. Besides, yours are too young to really understand.

From your other post today, it sounds like you and your spouse are making good progress. If that's the case, they won't even remember that you were 'sad', but they'll be living with two happy parents in the future without having to worry about a repeat of what almost happened.

My boys are far too young to understand the complexity of what happened in my M to their daddy.

I would like to think that I don't talk badly about their dad, but I am human, and I know that sometimes things slip out. Not to them... but I do talk it over with people over the phone, or when meeting up with someone out in public. And sometimes it's hard for me to remember that although the boys may not say anything, their hearing is excellent.

I talk to my OS (he'll be 4 yrs old in May) about his dad regularly. I tell him that I miss daddy, and that sometimes I dream of him too. But that daddy was sick, and hurt mummy, and that's why the police say he can't come to our house, and why I don't know where daddy is right now. (keep in mind, I also recognize that OS thinks of "sick" as in being "sick with a cold" kind of sick... and I'd like to keep it that way. That way too, we can talk about how daddy might be all better now).

The last thing I will do is try and pretend I'm happy in front of my kids, if I'm not. They can read through it anyways. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> And by talking to them about my hurt, I feel that it allows them to share theirs too.

I just don't feel I'm doing my kids any favours by making their daddy out to be such a "good guy", when in reality, although he has it in him to choose that route, he has chosen not to.

Also, please keep in mind that in my situation, my H has been arrested on child pornography possession charges, has been in multiple A's over the course of our R, and is more likely than not, a sex addict.

Karen

My kids were 13 & just turned 8 when my wife left. I had found out just 5 weeks previous about her affair.

Just before that, when things were pretty bad between us (no fighting/arguing, just very bad vibes and her sneaking around and such) I had told the oldest that we were going through a rough time and not to worry.

When my wife decided she was going to leave (just to "think" about marriage) I told her we would tell the kids together. We sat down and I told them mom was leaving to "think" about being married. The youngest didn't say much except, "okay. Can we go shopping now?"
The oldest cried a bit.

About 3 weeks after she left & I found out she was living with wankstain, I told the girls that mom had fallen in love with someone else a few months ago & left to move in with him.

I haven't done much bashing of her. Only a very few times have I really said/implied anything really negative. I haven't tried to shelter them or make mom look like an innocent though.

Any bad feelings they have for her are her own fault. She has only seen the kids 2 times in 4 years and last called them Feb of LAST year.

I never tried to turn my kids against their dad.
Good!

I would hope that they could grow up and never know this happened.
Of course you want to keep your children from hurting. It is a natural instinct. But it is not going to do them any good in the long run. They need to know (at the appropriate age level of course) what happened so they can see & understand reality as it is, not as you would want it to be.

Of course I never told them the whole truth, just basically that I was sad.
Letting them know WHY you are sad is a good thing to do. You don't need to & shouldn't go into detail or discuss your feelings with them. You should not lean on them for support.

But they should know that it is okay to hurt, feel bad and cry in a situation when you hurt.

Daughters especially seem to need to have a "perfect" father to look up to.
?? Why? Fathers are only human and that is exactly what they should be taught.

Personally for their self esteem, I don't want to shatter that persona.
Again, you want them to have an unrealistic view that their father is perfect. Remember that girls learn about men from their view of fathers. To let them think that daddy is perfect will only hurt their ability to deal with men in the real world (we are NOT perfect.)

It's okay for them to know he did wrong and that they can still love him.

skyline,

No matter what you do your WS will always accuse you doing it. Mine did. The most important thing is you know you didn't and you are on your own and not lived by WS's view.

Don't shield your kids from the mess, this is a reality in life. You only could soften the explaination according to their age. If you shield them and they find out on their own, they will feel betrayed by you.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I was wondering how many of you have found your self "campaigning" to your kids against your WS? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There's a difference between being 'honest' with the kids (at an age appropriate level) and 'campaigning against'. I do believe in being honest. Heck, I don't even support the Santa Claus myth with the kids (ages 10 and 8 and 8).
I still think poisoning them is using them and that's reprehensible.

What a touchy subject here as I have strong views on the subject. I feel the mother and father bond is quite special and a privelge.

I believe also not all parents are mentally, emotionally equiped, fit to be a good healthy parent, competant or decent role models.

There alot of parents out that are extremely sick sexual deviants and should not be exposed to their children because of their profound disrepect for other human beings.

The great harm they cause to the family/children in the marriage/family is crushing enough, unless the kids are supervised while they visit that parent and also to get that right should have ungergo special parenting classes because of threat potential they pose.

If the partner was a highly sexually deviant, multiple affairs, etc type personality that is extreme abuse. They are unavaiable to their children in the home, why should they been give exclusive rights to have the kids in the homes, and be subjected to who know what.

It's such a touchy subject

The potential harm done to children by a birth parent our simpy bio parent is at extremely high risk of being corrupted and debauched is something that really needs to be addressed.

A parent who is a poor anti role to children does so much damage to their self worth, ability to socialize, disorts children healthy development. Children emotional/mental health is so important.

Having a sexual deviant or partner that's in to multiple affairs,porn etc is a dangerous person to be around.

Mind you though, there are many healthy parents out there but one thinks in that case the logical thing is then is for them to be in counceling until things get healed in the marriage, family unit.

Affairs cause so much damage to children souls as do other addictions. In my opinion affairs do poison the children and family which does come under the category of extreme abuse.

The sanction of marriage, birth, children and family means so little today because of the title domestic issues. Sheilding children from the realities of what is happening in the marriage is betrayal to them. I am sure sensitive treatment of having the spouse,children supported in a professional structured environment helps them to face the truth, develop skills to cope, rather repress and bury wounds.

Why should children internalise and suffer the wounds of betrayal which the scars will follow them throughout their lives unless healed and handled properly.

I also think couples should have all this marriage/family training, relationship skills to prior to tieing the knot at the alter. Marriage licenses is just to easy to obtain and really irresponsible on society part.

The liability risk factor is just to great and it's the children which must pay the price which they cannot personally afford.

I belive prevention, and education is the key and in most cases the answer or at least equip couples with skills, and reduce the risks of problems significantly.

For many people within MB community wouldn't it been wonderful to have the knowledge beforehand.

I wonder if it might be a better question to ask do spouses have the right to poison their marriages, kids and destroy their families???