Last week I posted correspondence from OM and welcomed your wise counsel. I also printed the whole thread and gave it to my shrink! The shrink was pretty much in accord with those of you who opined that my M is of paramount importance and if my W would not like to see the friendship restored or if restoring it would open the possibility of her friendship with OM being restored I should avoid it. I therefore sent the email pasted below, the word "ending" was suggested by the shrink and intentionally included in the message. Also below is the OM's reply. Ball in my court again I guess.

Jack

My message:
Joe, I think the need for this kind of exchange between us has always been present, but neither of us was quite sure how to go about it. There was no script for us to follow and we need not worry about how or when it took place. The important thing is that it happened and that it has been helpful I hope for both of us in bringing about some better kind of ending.

Jack

His message:

Jack,
I cnnnot argue with your statement. I do hope as we go forward that we will
be able to rekindle our friendship. I don't have to tell you how wonderful of
a friendship that we had and how badly I feel for having destroyed that. We
were both very fortunate!
I'm not sure how this may happen other than just getting together at some
point for a hiball or something. I am maybe on very thin ice here, but that
is my thought.
Regards,
Joe

And how do you think you should respond?

I am somwewhat torn, there is the is a sappy, sort of Christian side of me that wants to heal everyone and transcend all suffering with forgiveness that is a war with the practical side. There is a sense of injustice too, my W was taken from me, my friend was taken from me, why cannot I not restore them both to me with love and understanding?

Jack,

Then it seems to me the answer is: "Perhaps someday,when things have changed."

You are not opposed, but it is not good to do right now. Leave it at that.

That is my thought on the matter.

God Bless,

JL

Jack, I almost said this with the first letter, but I can't pass this time: What emotional needs does he fill for you? Are they on you list of the top 5? You would not be able to have "contact" with him with your wife knowing, because that would be vicarious contact for her. Now who would be having an EA?

RUN the other direction. I had thoughts that the OM and my wife should be able to still be friends - because they were such good friends, adn I wanted reconciliation for all parties, in the Christian sense. Then I began to understand the nature of the friendship, and how their mutual attraction had tainted it from the start, and how she was getting other really important EN's met at work, so really was having an EA with her job, in a way.

So, I now believe that it is possible to have an EA with same-sex friends to whom you have no sexual attraction, or with anything you are addicted to.

I also believe that both you and your wife's friendship with the OM has been twisted to such an extent that the chances of you having a healthy reconciliation are nil. The relationship has been poisoned. Let it die. Trying to repair it will only result in a slower, more painful death.

Joe,
The friendship that we shared was very important to me, but it seems that I was the only one that felt this way. I am not saying that we will never be friends again…I am keeping an open mind about a lot more things these days, but right now I do not see that happening. Honestly, it would be very difficult for me to treat you as a friend without suspicion of your motives. I, nor my wife need you in our lives right now. I appreciate the regret that you feel towards the situation, but no amount of apologies can change what has happened or erase the memories that I have.
Jack

Jack-

I can understand you lamenting the loss of a good friend, but are you seriously considering exposing your W to a rekindled friendship with this person? It really sounds like a deal where you should be prepared to choose which is more important, wife or friend, and proceed based on that. Not because you can't handle having both of them in your life, but rather that you can't expect them to be able to deal with it. Too much has happened and it's a unreasonable expectation on your part IMO. Good luck and god bless, you sound like a very forgiving person and that's a great gift.

Informed W last night of recent corespondence. We noted the simlarity in OM's "technique" the sort of I value you, we are great together, but its OK if you don't want to, its up to you, approach that is so welcoming and seductive and sympathy inducing at the same time. This caused us to smile in a sharing understanding moment but then the reality of the threat kicked in and finally this morning my W asked if I would do her a favor and I said sure what? She asked for no contact! Said it is "too disruptive." I said OK, she said promise? I offered my hand and we shook on it. So that is ball game! Thanks again all for your help and kindness.

Jack