Here is a day of my H that came back from living with his gf for 2 1/2 months. My H wakes up usually the earliest at 1:00 pm, alot of the times later, goes on the computer for a while, then eats super and goes out to a bar. I go with him usually either when he goes or later at night, because I want to make sure he isn't with her anymore. When he gets up he doesn't give me a hug or a kiss unless I ask for one, I will tell him I love him and he usually just says I know, sometimes he may say it back or say me too or you know how I feel. Our 2 sons hardly ever see him. He hasn't been working since December, because of a car accident we were in.

Goldie,

I'm going to be somewhat blunt with you and ask you....

Do you read any of people's responses here?

I mean I am really starting to get confused about what you want...

yesterday you post on both boards about this dramatic blowup....horrific disrepect from both of you....
and now today it's like none of that happened and your biggest issue is that he's not affectionate...
AS IF...
you expect everything that happens, everything to just go away

And yet post is about you...
1. being afraid something you do will make him go back to her
2. lying for him out of fear of his threats that he will go back to her.
3. thinking that if YOU behave in a certain and never hurt him again he will stay...
and now...
babysitting him at bars just so you make sure he doesn't go back to her...

Goldie I am telling you again that this is no way to live...
that you are not in control of any of these things.
that he will do and behave as he alone chooses and you are NOT responsible for his behavior
that in this whole situation the only one you can control and change is you....

That the only way to change any of this is to CHANGE you....

Ignoring issues is not working on your marriage
ignoring issues is not the way to keep him or anyone else home...

Are you in marriage counseling...if not why not...and if the answer is because he won't go...then why aren't you anyways...

Are you going to babysit him every day of your life....

Goldie if you want his "body" in your home...you have it...if that's all you want then you should be happy...
BUT
if you want a marriage and relationship that is worthy of you and him...then you are going to have face some tough things and work really really hard....

Are you in Plan A...or does your fear have you frozen?

If you really want help for this it's here...
but if evey response to your situation is just a "he's still here and all is well" report...
then I don't see what you're so unhappy about...

But in reality I see clearly why you are so unhappy....but it you who has to take the first step to face your fears...and facing fears is an extremely empowering thing to do...and huge step in healing....

ARK

Yes I do want everyones help. I know I want a relationship with my husband and I want my children to have their father at home. He does have a heart, but the drinking isn't helping any either. And I know from before I cannot make him stop, he has to do it on his own. But at least before he was in rehab 7 years ago he wouldn't go out everynight like now. Today I had surgery for an accident we were in in December, I started getting dental implants in now and I am so sore and the Dr told my husband not to leave me today to stay with me, because I was sedated and now on a couple different pain pills and I feel safe with him here to help me. I know it is not going to be easy, but I hope as time goes on it will get better. I really need you guys for support and I thank you for putting up with me. I am not a good plan A'er or B'er I know.

How do I get my H to believe that I won't hurt him anymore too, that is what he is afraid of and does not believe me that I won't.

Sorry if this sounds harsh or cold Goldie, but it's my gut instinct, from a woman who's H is also controlling.

I don't think your H is all that worried about you hurting him again. You're desperate to meet his needs for pete's sake. I think he likes to use his supposed fear of you hurting him again as an excuse to drink and behave as he sees fit and as an excuse to manipulate you. He's the one hurting you at this point. Of course he'd never admit that, but a man who spits in his wife's face in front of the children? How's your finger by the way? Broken?

Sometimes I think God is having you and I cross paths so I can see why it's wise in my case to leave my H, since some of his manipulative behaviour is similar to your H's. I certainly wouldn't want to be with him if his behaviour escalated to the level your H's has.

That being said, I know he's the father of your children, and ideally you want to be a healthy and happy family again. Just curious, when was the last point in time that you really were a healthy and happy family? How many years ago? At what point did it all change? With the A, or sooner?

Jen

No my finger isn't broken just sprained, and then yesterday I had surgery on my mouth for dental implants for the car accident we had back in December so I am in alot of pain.

Our marriage was bad the 1st 5 years of our marriage, my h drank alot, cheated, broke stuff, smashed the house and was out alot, got 2 dui's and after the 2nd dui he went into rehab and quit drinking for 6 1/2 years and then started again off and on after my A in July 2001 and talking to the OM on the phone off and on a couple of times. The drinking is progressivly has gotten worse now. I spoke to the OM in February, being the last time, then we (at least I thought my H and I were ok)we went on a cruise in May and then a couple days after we got back my H started seeing his gf. He said he met her in February after I talked to the OM in February, but never went out with her or anything else, and then a couple weeks before our cruise she asked him to go out and he said he was going on a cruise with me and didn't want to. All summer long he was disappearing and I never thought he was seeing someone. I would come home from work and ask my H if he was drinking and he said no. He made a lot of deviled eggs and when he went out drinking during the day he would drink vodka and cranberry juice so I wouldn't be able to smell beer. Then in August 1 night I saw his truck at a bar and I went in and there he was sitting with a girl that he said he just met that night and gave her a ride. Which I didn't believe him. She worked at a bar and that is how he met her and would go during the day while I was at work. We were going on vacation with our kids a couple days later so I put it behind for the week then when we came back that day he insisted he was going out by himself. He was taking alot of money out of the bank so I called and said he lost his check card and 1 night when he was out with her he called me from her cell phone and then I found out it was the same girl he was with before our vacation. He continued to talk and see her off and on until as far as I now November. November 19th her husband (now ex) called me when I was on my way to work to tell me my H and her were meeting that day, so I decided to go home sick and my H said he heard she was seeing someone else and that is who she was probably meeting, but her H told me she told him herself she was meeting my H. Then on Dec 5th my H and I got into an accident and his gf and her ex told me my H called her the day after our accident to tell her about it. The OM I had my A with lives 1100 miles away, he works for the same company as I did. (I don't work there anymore since my accident) I flew to Florida for 3 days when my H and kids went away fishing for the week where the OM lives. He came into visit the end of July 2001 and I went out with him 1 night. On December 16th while I was Christmas shopping he called me 2x's on my cell phone the 1st time I hung up and the 2nd time I met him and spoke to him in public by a store. He said he was here, because his dad died and he called me to know how I was after the accident. He knew I was trying to work on my marriage and I didn't meet him to be with him, because I have no feelings for him, but my H didn't and doesn't believe me and then about a few days after that my H started living with the same girl, she just got an apartment the beginning of December after her divorce. I was on my way to pick up my H at a bar when he called the 2nd time. Well I was about a 1/2 hr late and by the time I got to the bar my H already left. My H then called me and said I know he is in and that is why you didn't pick me up. He threatened to kill him and me and I didn't tell him that he was in until I knew he was gone back, because with my H drinking you don't know what he will do. I told my H the truth a couple days later. Sorry so long.