I have reached the point where I now have serious reservations about returning to a life w/ my WW. Finally, I can see myself standing on my own two feet and I like that view.

Anyone else have a similar view? Is this part of the natural healing process?

<small>[ March 19, 2003, 09:58 AM: Message edited by: Luki ]</small>

I myself think it IS a natural healing process.

I was where you are now when my H's A finally ended on it's own.

My H had to convince me to take him back.

I was finally ready to live MY life without him...without NEEDING him in it.

I made the decision to take my H back and it was a long and bumpy raod.....but today I can say it was worth it.

Luki-

Yup. I'm there, and I was the WP.

It's normal and necessary for you to be able to move on without reservations. You did all you could do.

Get strong.
Make goals.
Move forward.

Look back only if you receive evidence that convinces you to.

Luki

Although my situation was somewhat different in that I was the WS, my H then went off with OW (who he is still with 4 months later), but he does not see it as an A. It started when we were still together.

Anyway, I tired my best to Plan A, before he was with her, and then when he was with her, and went to Plan B back in January. Can I cope, can I manage, do I want H back? Yes, Yes and No. So many things would need to change that I know H is not prepared to address. Although that does not mean if he wanted to start talking I wouldn't listen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have dipped in and out of your thread from time to time, and whilst all stories are different (hence a bit of background about me), I think all our emotions, feelings, sadness, hopes and fears are strikingly similar.

You are healing Luki - you are seeing a place which isn't so scarey if you are not with her. That doesn't mean that things couldn't change or wouldn't change if she comes to her senses (as Miss Priss can testify to). Whatever the outcome, it sounds to me as you are moving forward into a very positive place.

Wishing you well from sunny London.
Lisa

I had the same feelings several weeks ago. I posted about them because they actually scared me. I was at peace with my situation and didn't know what was wrong with me. Turns out nothing! It is part of the healing process and since that time I have never done a better job at doing the things I need to do to try and save my marriage. It's so much easier when you gain your emotional strength back to make decisions and feel good about them.

Thanks for the responses. I have the power to choose but I am afraid of making the choice. If my WW wanted to reconcile, I really don't know if I could do it. Is that bad, not wanting to try and walking away? The thing is, if she doesn't want to ever reconcile, that makes it easy for me. See the contradiction?

I feel good about where I am at because my back was aginst the wall and I had to get strong. I feel that if I was given a choice to return to the M, I may not do it. I got stronger in order to save my M but instead I realize that I may not want it. I am getting wrapped around the axle on this.

-Luki

Luki-
I too have reached the point of not wantinh WH back. I filed for dv 2 weeks ago because I knew I had reached a point after 2 years of working on me and plan A-ing that I know longer could see a future together for us. i am totally at peace with where I am and really don't know what i would do if H changed his mind. He certainly shows no inclination to do so at the moment.

Jante

Luki,

You are EXACTLY where I was back in December. Six weeks later, my wife was seeking reconciliation.

It seems that plan A works best when we are able to get the hell out of the way and let God do His work on our WSs. Funny how as soon as we are able to get to this point, we start doing all of the things we should have done before (like starman stated above).

I think this is great. I have this theory that it is this point that causes our spouses to finally feel the void of us leaving. They are actually feeling us pull away. As BSs, we know exactly how that feels. and since we dont know if we want the M anymore, we stop LBing. So, we are leaving a void and at the same time, giving them nothing to be angry about. It seems that things get lonely in WS-land about this time.

Dont despair that you might not want your wife back. I thought I might not either. but, ifand when the day comes that she shows up on your door like mine did...then you can decide!

Until then...enjoy being off the rollercoaster...and welcome back to life!

In His arms.

Yeah, welcome back to life is right! The last month things have begun to turn the corner. Work is going well, both at my "real" job and at my one man business. I have been doing the things I like. Heck, I might buy a big ol' 32 inch TV tonight!

-Luki

That's great!! I went through the same thing. even though my wife and I are reconciling, I still feel that I can walk away if she falls back again. It is very liberating.

You know...you're wife is going to notice the change in you. And she aint gonna like it! WSs love it when the BS is calling to them constantly from outside the fog. It gets lonely and scary when all of a sudden, the WS finds out they are alone in the fog...and no one is pursuing. When your wife sees how much you are enjoying life again, she will get pi@@ed off! Dont be surprised if she accuses you of having your own affair now.

Enjoy it, my man! You earned it. You have been powerless during all of this. Now...you are back in control...and it feels good! Now, just sit back and see what God does with your WW. While you are going to be enjoying life...things are about to get rougher for her!

In His arms.

<small>[ March 19, 2003, 11:59 AM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

V interesting thread indeed. I sort of envy you, you know. I'm clearly not there yet - despite having had the questionable pleasure of celebrating D-Day anniversary yesterday.
N

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Dont be surprised if she accuses you of having your own affair now.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I cancelled doing taxes last Sunday and she was curious what I was up to. She has also asked me, "So, what's new?" in a very weird tone. Too funny, you pegged that one MM.

After reading all of your replies I feel better about feeling this way. Sometimes I think we get used to the pain and expect a daily dose. When it goes away we feel like we should continue hurting.

-Luki

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I cancelled doing taxes last Sunday and she was curious what I was up to. She has also asked me, "So, what's new?" in a very weird tone. Too funny, you pegged that one MM. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh yeah! I have found that all WSs are waaayyyy to similar! This stuff is almost a science! Right after New Years, just two weeks after going to Florida with OM, and about 3 1/2 weeks since I reached the point where you are at, my wif started calling at odd hours (midnight...5:30am...always right before going to bed or right after waking up...hhhmmmmm). she would ask "what's up?" I thought it was weird at the time. What do you mean "what's up?" It's midnight...I am going to sleep.

But, she wanted to know more. Not only wasnt I pursuing her like a hound dog anymore, she could actually "feel" me pulling away. She didnt understand. So, reading above your wife saying "So, what's new?" just got a laugh out of me. Stay mysterious Luki. That doesnt mean lie to her or withhold info. it just means dont tell her everything you are thinking. Let HER mind wander at night and wonder where YOU are. You may be closer than you think to that knock on the door that I got two months ago.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">After reading all of your replies I feel better about feeling this way. Sometimes I think we get used to the pain and expect a daily dose. When it goes away we feel like we should continue hurting. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep. Felt this too. but now, I enjoy the fact that it isnt me that is in the emotional nightmare anymore. It kind of pi@@es my wife off too, because I'm not joining her in the emotional mess anymore. Not that I am not concerned or there for her. Just, I got off the rollercoaster...now she is riding it alone. I'm just waiting at the platform for her to decide to fully get off this ride. She is close.

And if I had to bet the farm on anything, I would say your wife is close also. Hang in there.

This has been an interesting thread.

I have to say, I'm no where NEAR that point. Although I switch back and forth with the emotional rollercoaster.

One minute, I feel like I'm "Fighting the Good Fight" to strugle and try to save my marriage.

The next, I feel like I'm being pig headed and stubborn, that I should give her the divorce she asks for...

My level of hope goes up and down with those feelings respectfully. One day, I may be at the point you're at.. Although when/if I reach it, I fully expect my wife to be ready with the divorce papers, no interest in reconcilation..

Interesting indeed. Glad to know that there WILL be an end to the pain. I don't remember the last time life didn't hurt. It's nice to hear that I'll have a good day again.

Hang in there JohnnyB. One way or another things will get better. It takes a lot of work and self reflection but it does work out. Spending time on this board has been one of the biggest sources of help for me. They may not have known it but I have read posts from everyone who has responded in this thread including yourself. Although it's sad in a way, it is helpful to know how others are dealing with these life altering events.

-Luki

Hi Luki,

You've got a great thread going here, and have made some great points. Some great responses as well.

Just thought I'd chime in with some agreement on all of this. For a while after D-Day all I could think about was W, day in, day out. Last thought in my mind before bed, first thought in the morning, and all day long. The rollercoaster kept going up and down the hills for months after D-Day.

But lately, recently actually, I felt myself feeling more like you feel now. Not so scared anymore. Not so alone anymore. Not thinking about the empty side of the bed anymore. And that ability makes you able to detach more, to be more distant, still loving, but not so needy, pushy, and not pursuing at all.

It's a nice feeling to realize that you're not so needy anymore, and that you will be fine without your W. I think it also translates to her too, first by NOT being so much in touch and making her wonder what you're up to, but also by showing that you are indeed capable of being fine on your own. I can totally relate to it being a strange feeling of contentment. You get so used to feeling sorry for yourself, and just generally down, that when you actually start feeling better, you question it and wonder why.

It's just time, working its magic, along with you growing as a person and realizing that you are one of the good guys.

Good for you, man. I can see everything will be fine for you no matter what happens next.

ALS

I ditto what everyone else said, it sounds like you're doing fine. It seems that it is now your W's turn to choose "fight or flight". The only problem for the WS at this point is, is the BS willing to take the fight any longer. Best to you L.

MTD

Thanks ALS and m_t_d,

No more fight from me. The only thing that may make me at most, consider going back would be absolute NC with either A partner, period. No ifs ands or buts about it. I was so afraid to ask for that before if you remember my previous posts. But now I don't care, and because I am healing and stronger than before, it's that way or the highway. I CAN set boundaries! Take care.

-Luki

I know exactly how you feel Luki. My wife just left the house on Sunday after D-Day on August 18. I've been torn apart a few times, but right now, I feel like a life alone won't be such a terrible thing.

She has made her own choices and is going forward with them.

Haven't really shown much emotion to her on Sunday or since then, but I also haven't been too emotional at all.

However, tonight I did get upset with her, but not for moving out. Had to do with how she parked her car somewhere she shouldn't have and we received a call to move it. This situation shows me that she isn't staying where she said she was (I even asked her). Point is, on one hand, I'm trying to protect her in case she does come back, while at the same time I need to have knowledge of where she is staying so that if I really need to get a hold of her in emergency, etc. she can be reached. Tried to convince her of this, but to no success. It seems like she's very scared and I think she is feeling very empty now. She has been inquisitive about what I've been doing lately. She says she's just concerned that I'll be okay, but I'm not so sure this is the case.

The saga continues...

hoping4best,

I read your other post on that link to the CNN article. Good points.

With this new found "freedom" it seems like I(we) am(are) flying in the face of the MB principles. Dr. Harley is not an advocate for divorce except under extreme circumstances. So what if we the BSs have just simply had enough turmoil? So if/when the WS wants to reconcile, all of a sudden we are the ones wanting to end the M. How does that sit with people? Doesn't seem very MBish does it? Each day I feel myself moving forward along that path.

-Luki