Been reading post..hit me that I have been way too easy on H.He still works with OW,I didn't tell her Husband.He will not go to m/c he didn't like it when we went last year.No one at work knows about his affairs.He does not want to talk about it....I wimped out, it is making me very sad and it has been over two years...

Linda,

I shudder to imagine the pain you have been enduring for 2 years. What do you plan on doing?

I do not know what to do..I forgave him for the first affair...He said he will go to M/C...but he would rather not.I am in so much pain.

Have you told him about your feelings? I would definitely get into counseling. If there is any way you can, I would contact the Harleys. They are outstanding at what they, understand infidelity and are very pro- marriage. You would probably get a better bang for your buck going to them. Have you read Surviving an Affair?

As a start, the least he can do is agree to go to marriage counseling. But he also has to be willing to answer all your questions about the affair. Is he willing to do that and are you prepared or do you need to hear the details? Often when the details are withheld the BS always assumes the worst and recovery does not take place.

The "first" affair? How many have there been?

I'm sorry, Linda, never mind my last question. I just read your signature so I see the 2 affairs.

Yes, I have read many books...looking for a way to cope with this.And I did very well getting over the first affair it was very painfull, I was pregant with 3rd child, and he would just "go out" and even told me he was with her ,she was a friend.Told me for year that it was nothing, to forget about it.I found out the details about the last one from the OW..she called me and told me about all there dates,he gave her a ring and called her girlfriend wifey...

LindaMaryland,

You are not a wimp, it takes a lot to endure those pain ... but definitly you are enabling his affair.

One of these day you will say "I rather live alone happy rather than miserable together". You know this is miserable and you have to start looking at the alternative ... you might be very surprise that yes, any grass is greener than this dead grass.

Good luck, I think you should look at "tough love" ... to work with this kind of WS.

-rh-

I may not have understood ... redhat...do you think his affair is on going?

Linda, has he read any of the books? Has he been to IC or just MC? Has he told you why he had the A's? Has he answered all your questions? How does he treat you now? Has he accepted all responsibility? Showed remorse? Willing to do whatever it takes to make you feel better and to save your M? I hate to say it but if he hasn't done some of this or most of it will be hard to heal and have a healthy M.

I don't think you are a wimp..sounds like you've been working on you...not sure what your H has been doing.

Best Wishes!

Forever, He said that he did read one book.That is a very rare thing if he did.He likes MB's, he said that I am not alone,and feels that it is UP TO ME to fix our broken relationship.Said he doesn't have the skills to help me.He treats me well, in that I have been so ill that I can't work.My health went downhill fast..on many prescription drugs.He will be happy to make me a sandwich,run to the store,but hates to talk about us.He is soft spoken Enginner,he is supposed to be a very smart man:-)The reason for his affairs..because he wanted to..and he didn't think he would get caught..he has said that many times,but "I did'nt think I would get caught"!Our relationship at home was great during the last affair..In fact he was so supporting when my Father was diagnosed with cancer,when I was diagnosed with Thyriod disease,I had to be tested for cancer,(he did e-mail his girlfriend that he was sorry that he missed their "time" together that he had to that me for a simple office visit.They stuck a fine needle into my thyriod).The "time" he missed was F**king in the back of her car.H said that the first 22 years of marriage he didn't believe in God,(news to me and his parents I am sure)so it was easy to sin for him.But now he believes and will not sin again.We have been going to church together for 24 years.He has told me the details about his affairs,he said ONLY two?! He looks at porn but said it was only a few times?!When we were just married before children,he went on a business trip.He was very tired when he came home,said he met a women,hung out with her everynight..dancing..that he kissed her on the lips in the hotel.Said he was infatuated with her.I called home from work soon after and the phone was busy..later I got the phone bill he talked to her close to an hour.He said that their is nothing wrong with his behavior..??.No other man has kissed me.I would not allow it.When we do talk he badgers me relentlessly.."Do you want me to leave you" Last week I said OK and he did leave for a few days.Said he missed me,but went down to the basement and hid from me and our D's.

Bump..tell me what kind of man am I married too?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LindaMaryland:
<strong>Bump..tell me what kind of man am I married too?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Read Private Lies ... you will see which type of philander he is. He has no respect for M, he has no respect for you and your kids. I do not believe plan A/B will do you any good. You should just do "tough love" ... I love you but I can't stand you ... until you repect my boundry and work on M, please go away. It takes two to tango WH has to work on M too ... it is not up to you to make it work <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . Both of you need to sit down and get conseling !. Don't get me wrong, if you are satisfy with his treatment who am I to say anything.

-rh-

I thought I had that book, I have so many, couldn't find it,do you think then he is the kind of man that can change? Please someone I am so close to the forest I can't see the TREE! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LindaMaryland:
<strong>I thought I had that book, I have so many, couldn't find it,do you think then he is the kind of man that can change? Please someone I am so close to the forest I can't see the TREE! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">People could change if they are willing too. Usually it needs a life changing event to shock them or a decision to alter their own value. It is up to them to make decision. Whay I am trying to convey to you is, you have to decide to live miserably or to take control over your life. I really sugest you to get conseling, individually with IC that pro-marriage to help you out. There are many details that IC could look and help you to see it. We are here just to lend our shoulder for the hurt ans share our opinion based on our life journey.

-rh-

Thanks Redhat, I got my H to call for M/C yesterday, we have a very long way to go.I am willing to try I hope he can try this time.Or he will loose me for good.

Linda...please make sure that the MC you choose has experience dealing with infidelity, also ask them up front how they treat it...do they try and get to the root cause, what plans do they put in place, etc.

I would actually recommend going to counseling with the Harley's first...they deal exclusively with infidelity.

Also MC by itself isn't usually enough...you both need to go to IC as well. An therapist needs to identify your H's underlying problems/issues and those need to be solved as a foundation to what you'll learn in MC. For example my H was diagnosed as a passive/agressive, conflict avoider and good at denial/repression. He has been successfully treated for both.

I was diagnosed as having PTSD delayed from some traumatic childhood issues...the A...kicked it back up in high gear. I also was a controlling person also was suffering from depression.

We've read the books, been through IC and MC with SH and with a regular MC. We needed to do it all to get to happy place we are in now.

Motivation and education are the keys. What book did he read? My H and I read SAA, Torn Asunder, Infidelity, Emotional Intelligence, both read and post on MB board...we also discussed all of the above while we were reading...we were 100% partners on the recovery effort.

If you haven't read much on the recovery board, I'd suggest it for both of you. Would also suggest you print this post out in it's entirety and give it to you H.

One of the keys to my H's quick recovery was our kids...he's always been an awesome father (great H too) and when he came out of the fog and realized what he'd done to all of us and what kind of example he was setting for the kids, it fueled his determination.

In Torn Asunder it talks about the message kids get from an A, if he's a good father...play the father card!

Best Wishes!

Linda,

You have a good attitude, keep it up. Basically you have to let him earn his place as H out from WH. Be honest with him and yourself about your feeling, this is very critical for you. Tell him you give him benefit of the doubt and it is up to him to work it out, not you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I copied my post to 'im hurt'<strong>Your decision on what WH have to do before WH could be H again should base on if he could do it not if he would do it. This is very critical for your own recovery, this is for you and this is not a punishment for him.

I would you to modify it with your own word and tell him this story before you told him about the ammend. "I would like to tell you a story about a horse. Day in day out the horse pull the carriage for the master to go to work and the master's kids to go to school. Unfortunately along the road to the city there is a section that is very very rough, full of potholes and there is no away around it but a long way alternate path. It hurt the horse feet but the master forces the horse and unaware about the pain of the horse. But the loyal horse keeps going day in and day out. However now the horse feet hurt soo bad that the horse knows that there is no way they will be able to make it to the city via that path . ..... I am that horse; the rough road is your A in our M; the city is a happy fullfiling M; the master is you and the carriage is our responsibilties in this M that I have to pull. I want you to be my H , I won't make it if you don't pull this carriage along with me and find alternate path othewise I won't make it, our kids won't make it, we won't reach a happy and fullfiling marriage." Feel free to spell check and modify the story to fit your need. I use horse for easy illustration. You need to find word picture that work for him.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">May The Lord bless you with wisdom to see HIS WILL and with strong heart to walk pass this storm of your life. Amen. -rh-