I posted here for the first time about 3 weeks ago, but I was less than completely truthful with the people on this board just like I was with my W. On Tuesday afternoon, I got a phonecall at the office from my wife - she had found the other person's screen name on our computer at the house. She was exteremely mad and felt that I had been less than completely forthcoming with her over the past couple of weeks. She was right.

I'd sold her short, feeling like she should be spared the brutal truth and all of the details about what happened. And I was not ready to tell her about everything that night. Once again, I was asked to leave the house, which I did without complaint. Over the course of the next couple of nights, I reread the information on this site about Love Busters and Radical Honesty, and I had many conversations with my wife.

All I want is for my wife to be happy. I told her that I would do anything that she asked me to do in order to make that happen. She told me that she either needed to hear the truth or that she needed to hear me say that there was more but that I was not ready to tell her yet. I told her that I wanted to meet with her following my appointment with the MC and we would go from there. The next couple of hours were complete agony for me, just as they were for her since both of us were anticipating the worst.

Following my visit to the MC, we met at a local park, and I followed the recommended path of Radical Honesty. I was completely truthful about how the A started, its duration, and its end. I told her everything, and at the end I told the wife that I would answer any questions that she had from the past couple of months as completely and honestly as I could. It was a revelation for me - I felt completely at peace and she did too. She told me that for the first time since I started my disclosure process she looked into my eyes and felt like there was nothing more and that she could see the man that she had fallen in love with eleven years ago.

I realize that our process is far from over, but I feel like we are off to a good start (even if we having to restart from scratch since I had tried to spare her some of the details). We both want to work on it, and I truly think that we will be able to fix our marriage. This board and the people on it have been a source of inspiration and comfort to me since I joined it a couple of weeks ago. I plan on visiting more regularly and updating people on my progress as well as trying to help others whenever I can. It really helps to talk to other people who have been in similar situations.

BJM-

THe hardest thing a person can do is to let their walls down and be vulnerable. No one will judge you for with holding. No one will judge you for the truth. We are simply here to listen and offer our advice and insights.

One thing you will find is that the old saying:
"The truth will set you free" has much meritt. The person that coined this phrase was a wise person.....

Being honest is hard because it means that you are no longer protecting yourself from rejection. By hding the truth, you think you are protecting the other person from pain. In reality you are terrified that that person will hate you, or leave you, if they knew what was real.

You took the first step. Keep remembering the lesson and be honest. It takes time to get there, but once you are consisitent, it's hard to be anything ut truthful. Your self respect will improve each time you liberate yourself from those lies.....

Good luck - you're in a great place for help.

bmj,

from your 3/6 post: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One of the things that W has mentioned to me is that she needs to fall in love with me again, and I am scared that the kinds of things that I want to do may be overkill. She wants me to prove that my intentions are true and that I am not doing this because I am scared of being alone. I love her, and I would do anything to help rebuild the trust that I violated through my actions.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and this one </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">she had found the other person's screen name on our computer at the house. She was exteremely mad and felt that I had been less than completely forthcoming with her over the past couple of weeks. She was right.

I'd sold her short, feeling like she should be spared the brutal truth and all of the details about what happened. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, you are saying that even though 3 weeks ago you were willng to do anything...you stopped short of honesty?

It's good you've done it now, but realize by lying, by hiding the truth you did add another dimension to how you will have to rebuild trust.

You can overcome this, but you'll have extra effort and she has extra reason not to trust what you say now. Her doubts are likely to resurface if your behavior is not consistant and accountable.