I'm in plan A and don't bring up any relationship talks at all. WH is living two hours away due to a job change (OW is 7 hours away). He's been gone about 4 weeks now, and I've seen him just one weekend...during which I acted as I usually do, as if things are ok with us. After that weekend he emailed me this:

****i've got a lot of crap going through my head right now, but not sure how to talk about it. i was uncomfortable for a lot of this past weekend. I feel like we're in two different places, but i don't know what to do or say. tired of the fighting, granted we haven't done that for a while, but don't want to go back to it. but don't want to get into crap that's going to upset the two of us either. i just don't know. just so much happening and don't know how to approach it.****

I've determined that he definitely is a conflict avoider, which may be why we've gone so long without any R talks because I don't bring them up and he tends to avoid that type of thing.

He sent me the above message last week. I responded that I understand the feeling of being confused and that I probably don't ask questions because I don't want to know the answer.

Just yesterday he emailed me again...he had been on the road during the day and called me around 2:30...then sent this email which I didn't see until this morning:

**** if you get this wednesday, call me at the apartment

there's some stuff that i've been thinking about, and was going to talk to you this weekend about, but maybe it's better to start now

probably my curse for being on the road today...too much time to think****

I simply responded back that I just got the message...and he hasn't emailed anymore about talking tonite or anything...

I am really afraid he's going to talk about pushing for divorce....I'm in a guarded plan A after talking to SteveH. I guess I just need to hear what he has to say, but am scared of what that might be and how I should react....

any ideas from anyone?

It's so weird how he can email me stuff like that, and then email me little stuff just to let me know how his day is going...

We usually go back and forth throughout the day, just teasing, telling each other about our day, etc.

I guess it's a good sign that he keeps that up with me....but I'm still nervous about what he wants to talk about...

Hi, HoldingMyBreath,

Yikes, I bet your stomach did a flip when you read that. It's clear he finds it difficult to bring up relationship discussions. If you don't hear from him in a reasonable time (reasonable taking into consideration his schedule, the distance between you, and how often you usually talk) then you might want to encourage him to talk to you, or even suggest setting a date for a heart to heart talk. Will he come home this weekend? Maybe this Friday night or Saturday morning would be good. Give you each time to process and deal with what is said.

I think if I were in your shoes I'd also go back and review what Harley says about the Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation. That would put you in the frame of mind for open, honest, safe discussions. You'll be better able to deal with any unwanted messages he gives you, and to provide an environment that encourages him to open up to you.

Also, since he's still involved in the A, don't pay much heed (internally) to things he says that are probably fog-talk, like "I love you but I'm not in love with you any more" or "She is my soul mate; she understands me like no one else ever has" and all that tripe. Maybe acknowledge that he's feeling that way right now, don't dismiss it out-of-hand, but don't dwell on it either.

If he tries to bring up anything that would require a decision to be made, try to POJA on it. Don't give in to something you don't enthusiastically agree to, and don't ask him to, either. Try to work together.

I'm assuming from what you write that you DON'T want a Dv. Figure out what you DO want. Have you told him what you want? Could you POJA on meeting in the middle? For example, if he says he wants a Dv then you might tell him you're not ready to take that step without first learning what got you both to the situation you're in now. Tell him you'd like to see if what you have can be salvaged, and if not, then how to avoid arriving at the same place with someone else in the future. Maybe not those exact things, but something that does pertain to what you want. Then see what he wants, and see if you can find a solution that you both agree with.

I hate the waiting, and the not knowing. That's the worst.

turtle:

Yes, my stomach did do a flip when I read it.

I haven’t encouraged relationship talks because I think that’s a big LB to him….I decided to let
him be the one to bring up this type of thing….and yes, it’s the not knowing that is really hard….I
guess I’d rather not know, than to know the bad news.

I don’t want a divorce and he does know that. I think that’s why he wrote “I felt uncomfortable a lot oflast weekend” because I act as if all is ok and he sees me with this hope and he doesn’t want to giveme hope.

He is coming home Friday, so I’m sure at some point this weekend he will bring R talk up….I think from
reading here it’s best to let him be the one to initiate that.

I will review that link you provided, thanks! I think you have a good point on the POJA…and finding out what
got us to this situation…that’s one of the big problems I have….he said he had the affair because he felt taken
for granted, and she showed interest in him. I just don’t think that is a good reason to end a marriage, but I think
he is deep in the infatuation and romantic love stage or something. Doesn’t help that they are 7 hours apart so
reality takes longer to sink in. There’s more chances now that he’s been on his own the last 4 weeks, and they have seen
each other 6 weekends out of 8, so I know more chances to find out they are not meant to be….but it seems like maybe
the opposite is coming true…that he has found he doesn’t miss me, and is meant to be with her. Guess I have to see what
he talks about this weekend.

I’m afraid it will be about divorce….how to handle the baby (due May 7), etc.

Also, when I talked to Steve he said he would like to talk to my H….not to counsel him, which my H doesn’t want, but to find
out H’s perspective, point of view, etc. so that Steve can better help me. My H is very reluctant to do this as he doesn’t want
to talk about such personal stuff and feels it may be an attempt to counsel him anyway, so we’ll see on that, but maybe I
need to just be the one to ask him those things….like what he does want….thing is, I’m scared to know the answer to that.

Well, he didn't send any emails last nite or call me to start talking about the stuff he's been thinking about.

He's coming home tonite although stopping for a drink with a friend on the way, so maybe we won't have our talk yet.

Again, I'm not pushing to talk because based on his emails, I don't think I want to know what he has to say. And, he tends to avoid this type of thing, so I'll let him bring it up when he's ready....I'm not going to make it easy on him.

Any other thoughts on these emails he sent me?