What a weekend I have had! First off, I am in Plan B, have been for almost 7 weeks now..for me, I had to do it, I was just getting eaten up inside knowing he could not end it with his online love...we have signed sep papers, giving him the option to seek help on our relationship, and I would go, but it has to come from him. Ever since he has left, he has told me on the occasions we have talked thathe is not talking to her, is trying to get himself straightened out, etc...<BR>Thursday at work (we do work together) he says to the whole office he is heading out of town to our job 180miles away..the next AM, I get a phone call from OWs' H. My H is headed for them!! 1000 miles away!!! the OW H decides to confront him. And does. Now my H comes back H with his tail beween his legs, wanting forgiveness and now that the "demons" are behind him, he is ready to recommmit to our relationship.Remember that I have heard this for the past two years, as well. I have no feelings left for him. I care, but not enough to try this anymore.He is ruined our marriage, now he is lying and affecting our business relationship as well. Advice anyone??<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Sue, is there ANY desire left to save the marriage? If so, I would go to joint therapy with him. I would not allow him back in the house any time soon, though. It could take a year or more of joint therapy until YOU feel comfortable living under the same roof again IF the "in love" feelings return. <P>My thoughts are with you.

Sue,<P>If you really don't care anymore, divorce him.<P>Your husband hasn't apparently ended things of his own accord, so if I were you I'd be worried about a relapse. I think you have a couple choices:<P>1. Divorce.<P>2. Reconciliation, but under "tough" terms that satisfy you (counseling, accountability, whatever else you need). You can negotiate it (use the POJA), but if you don't get what you need, the alternative is "do nothing"---no reconciliation. The real issue here is how much work you're willing to do---if it's "not much", I'd give it a try and see if he surprises you. Your chances for success hinge on how willing you are to work together, however. If he comes back with his tail tucked, you make him work really hard for reconciliation---it's liable to build up a lot of resentment in him. And that's not a prescription for success. I'd use this approach, but with a willingness to be involved in the process and to help him love you again.<P>

you are right..the decision right now hangs on me....I guess the one thing from Dr. H's book that stands out in my mind was the 4 points he gave in regards to working on your marriage. <BR>1. That you are willing to admit your part in the problems in your marriage.<BR>2. That there is still a desire to want to work on your marriage.<BR>3. That you will have known you have done everything you can to save your marriage.<BR>4. And if you have, and it doesn't work, you can get out with no regrets, no "what ifs"...<P>I have been down this road for two years now. He has repeatedly told me he loves me and wants to work on it, but has continued to sabotage our relationship by seeking out this other person. I have admitted and have worked very hard on #1. I, until 6 weeks ago very much wanted #2. I know I have done #3 to the best of my ability. Now #4 is staring me in the face...and I have slowly lost my feelings of love for him, through repeated lies. deception, and what I believe may be a drinking problem on his part. Is it time to walk away?? I am struggling with the loss of a marriage, a family, but not the loss of him..It is so sad, how much pain an affair causes..for all......<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Sue-<P>I understand your pain. My situation deals w/his multiple affairs vs. one long one, as well as the resentment of the lies and problem w/drinking.<P>I found Dr. Harley's article on Alcohol Addiction this weekend. Prior to counseling, he checks for any addictions and will not even begin counseling until the addiction is dealt with. He believes that marital counseling is useless when addictions are involved.<P>Check out that article on this site. It gave me a different perspective on my situation. On the one hand, my H is not the easily identified, stereotypical alcoholic so I don't want to falsely "accuse". But on the other hand, frequency of drinking and many other "behaviors" (excl. affairs) indicate some individual issues beyond my understanding. I ask myself, are the addictions at the root, in general and I am in denial about the extent of his problem or am I making too much of the connection? I am researching this further to better understand. With all of the affair "stuff", it makes my situation all that more complex.<P>I hope, for both your sakes, that it is not a real problem and just a temporary coping mechanism. In my case, I am at the point where you are regarding a decision. Still kinda stuck on the "what if", did I do everything. I did all that I was able to do, but it does not appear that it is enough. I don't know that it will ever be enough when I have a H w/addiction. I'm just beginning to delve into the "co-dependent" stuff, but I, most likely, have some of that going on and therefore, may always wonder if I did enough.<P>I apologize for rambling. I realize this is a tough decision for you and just wanted to share my experience. <P>Good Luck!

My H has drank fir qutie a while, ever since I have known him...it is not bad, but I know if I drank 4-8 beers a night i would be lit, and I am sure for him it is a coping mechanism of sorts. He has never been abusive, physically or mentally(except for his affair), but I am sure the alcohol tends to make him not care about anyone else very much...his judgement is clouded...last year when the s*** hit the fan and we went to counseling, he admitted he was drinking too much, but did not slow it down, really. Now that i have been through all of this, and am looking back on our marriage, I think his drinking got in the way a lot. I didn't want to make love when he was tipsy, I was resentful becayuse he would tune me out when he drank and he did nothing to help me. I needed to decide if I could put up with the drinking if he came back, because he has already told me he would slow down but not give it up.That to me must happen in order for us to really have a chance in fixing this. So I guess my answer has been there all along..............<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Sue, it's not an easy decision that's for sure.<P>Ask yourself this - are you grieving the loss of your husband and his love? or are you grieving for what could have been, the future, your family?<P>As for the drinking, I know how it can be dealing with someone who drinks a lot. Another thing to ask yourself - if he didn't drink would I want to reconcile - why or why not? If you answer yes to this, he should seek counselling for the drinking before the marriage, if he follows through then you know he is committed.<P><BR>Good luck