Now that my WW has decided to stay for the kids, it kind of puts me in a new role. I was ready for her to move out, and had encouraged her to do just that. The whole story is long but I'll shorten it up. Married in 89, her 1st A within 6 months, I discovered it and it ended. We split for a short time, and then recovered and have been happily married since (I thought). The first affair occured when she was working nights. The 2nd A occurred began 4 months ago, again when she was on night shift. This time she gave me all the signs, and I snooped and found out. She said she had had enough and was moving out, but could not do it when she saw the reaction of our 10 year old son. Now she tells me she is staying for him, and really has nothing for me. Not wearing the wedding ring, etc. We are getting along in a friendly way, but she will be on nights for another 3-4 weeks and I do not know if the A is still going on. Sh says it is not. I want it hire a PI, but don't know what I would do if it was still going on...In a way, I want her to get what she deserves, but that means me and our son do not get what we deserve. I still love her, but have this bad taste in my mouth. Once was bd enough, twice a killer (even though it was 13 years later). I just wonder should I leave myself open again for another punch in the belly. I want to do what is right for my boy, but man it is hard. For now I am working a slow method of Plan A I guess, but my emotional state is not good.

Depends. Do you know what "went wrong" the 2nd time? If everything went "right" and #2 happened anyway, then there probably isn't going to be much to keep #3 or D from happening. Or at least not much that would reassure you.

Even if you don't know what "went wrong", are you open to investigating? In other words, do another look into the "why" of the A. I think sharing some of that info would help advice-wise.

And I would suggest figuring out how you will get NC and verification.

That said, the 6-months-into-marriage A and 2nd A are two bad indicators.

the first time, I guess I really never found out what what went wrong. This time she says there is nothing I have done, she just is not "in love" with me anymore. I think she is having a mid life crisis (daughter left for college in Sept, started taking lupron shots for upcoming hysterectomy in October, became depressed) or something, not that that is an excuse or anything. There is probably more to the story, but she has only said she has been unhappy for some time now. The whole situation just sucks.

Do this. Read up about Emotional Needs and try and figure out what hers were, what yours are, and what was lacking from both of points of view.

If you can find out what was missing, you can figure out what might help. Think, "Hmm. I'd be happier if this EN was being met better". Your W might come to the same conclusion in the future. If that makes sense to you, keep looking into MB principles. There lots of other things you could think about after this.

If you still can't find anything missing, then give up or talk to a professional.

On the other topic. How is communication with your W? Is talking about no contact and verification a big fight every time? Or is she willing to reassure you?

btw, Despite the two As and their specifics, the fact that you are clueless about the "why"s of the affair is actually a good thing. It means you might be able to learn/change to good effect. (As opposed to someone who did address issues and it was for naught)

<small>[ March 20, 2003, 04:30 PM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

She still has not fully admitted to her A. Although I have enough proof. She does not want to talk about it and gets so defensive, making comments like "its in the past", etc. The proof I have is she was at another mans house when she got off work one morning, and previous to that, I used checkmate kit to check her underwear and it was definetely positive. She said it was wrong, and that she was only over the OM house to talk. She says I don't know anything for sure. How much proof does she need to confess?

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Take your "sample". Send it off in the mail. Let W know that the results will be back in X days. And that you will "know" for certain by then. Sounds like Monica Lewinsky. Doesn't really matter if it goes to a real lab or not. Anyway, that's something you can do. It's a bit iffy perhaps on the ethical side if you don't send it to a lab, but it wouldn't bother me much in this instance.

The important (and tough) thing is that she can come to understand that you would be willing to work on recovering the marriage and that it can be safe for her to admit the incident. She has to come to understand (assuming there was something) that the consequences of telling are LESS than the consequences of not telling. (i.e. end of trust, end of marriage). But forcing that understanding can backfire. Anyway, that's the tough part.

"It's in the past". Yes, that's true that some aspects of the A are in the past. But it hasn't been dealt with. The trust and other issues are very much here in the present and affect the future. Not that you don't know this already, but it sounded like she would say defensive stuff and "win" the point.

Are you 100% sure about the 2nd A?

Also, I noticed you pretty much ignored the suggestions about ENs. What are you looking for? All I got is suggestions to get towards recovery or to get out after "having done your all". Not easy outs.