(I posted this on Just Found Out...but figured this board gets more traffic on weekends...)

Well, Friday (yesterday) I come home from work, to find that my fiance packed all his stuff into his car, and has arranged to take another apartment. (He had threatened to do this two weeks ago, but changed his mind.)

He says an OW is not involved, and I do believe him. He is unhappy with LIFE. Unhappy that he is not living in the same state as his family...unhappy that I "nag" him (I ask if he paid his bills, if he called his family, if he would like to go out for dinner...really bad stuff eh!!)...unhappy with the people he works with...unhappy that he has to work so much overtime, but also that I complain when overtime takes him away from me...unhappy with going back to school...unhappy with health (dental) problems. He's got it all. Everyone in his life demands too much, he says. And he says he will be in contact (so far I don't know where he is, only the town) and that we will see each other. Do I even want to????? I cried so much the first time he threatened to leave...this time, when he actually did it, I find myself more angry. Sad and angry. I tried so much to help him, and feel worthless now. He says he has had one visit to a social worker (didn't tell me) and will be seeing a therapist. If he actually does it, it will be a good thing. My mother thinks he is going through an early mid-life crisis. Maybe!

This is rambling, sorry...just venting here. Says he will contact me today, and I don't know how I will react...loving or angry. Or even if he will call. I slammed the door when he left. He still has some stuff here (not much). My stomach is sick...can't eat...he has all the control over this...I have no idea what is coming next, or when it's coming. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I may be able to shed some light on this. Another guy I work with quite frequently is in a similar situation as you. He's a few years younger, but it seems like the same situation applies. He had problems with his live-in girlfriend, is unhappy with his job, is unhappy with a lot of things. A few days ago, he made the comment that he needed to make some "life changes." His situation was interesting because he had a great job, but lost it, then started his current job after about 6 months of unemployment. Current job pays much less and the 6 months of unemployment considerably hurt him financially. Bottom line is that this career issue may be affecting all aspects of his life.

Has anything along similar lines happened? Please talk to him, and don't nag or ask him to do any of these things. When a guy is feeling down, the last thing he needs is more nagging about how he didn't do something he was supposed to, because in a way, he failed at that too. You may have to probe at him, he has given you several clues to what is bothering him.

Also, while it may be hard to hear this, consider moving on. You aren't married to him, so there is not an attachment of marriage.

Hope this helps...

Straycat,

As we are all painfully aware...we can spin things different ways...and there's a lot to be said about the eye of the beholder...
So I'm gonna spin your situation at you a different way...in hopes to empower you and find some grounding in all of this....

I think that him moving out can turn out really really positive for you...although the outcome is always uncertain...a good plan A...regardless of an OW...really is working on you...
removing yourself from part of the equasion that is really destructive to him and you...as well as the PERCEPTION and blame game....might be exactly what you need to get focused and empowered...

First you have to quit beating yourself up...for what you have or may not have done...sounds like he's doing that enough for the both of you...and is running from issues...(although we all "know" that never works...human nature always makes seem so atttactive....

So it is imperative for you to not get caught up in the same overwhelming sense of gloom and whoas me...

Also you have to give credit for him telling you how he 'feels' about you....
that doesn't mean it's all true...and you are "all bad'...just that look at the many posts from people who say they never knew/know that their spouse was unhappy with this or that...

knowledge is power...and if concerns prove to be just misguided thoughts they will prove themselves one way or another....

example he says you nag him to pay bills...well good then let him be responsible for bills...he will either pay them and find confidence in himself that he is capable...OR he will be neglectful and come to realize that your input is valuable...

The key is to support him in this in the sense of no LB's...being as kind as you can...
NO DEEP relationship talk...
suprise him a little...he may be expecting you to rally and gnash at his moving out...be understanding...but perhaps not to involved....

the therapist is a great thing..

perhaps stray you have been given a great gift...in actually having a person who sees how unhappy they are....and are smart enough to take a time out before dragging you down any farther with him....

He has no control over this...
you are in control over how much conflict and power struggling you allow in your life...
hopefully little to none <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
You are in control over your actions and feelings and if you keep visualizing the type of person you want to be...and the relationship you want to have and make your encounters with him reflect that...then it may you who really finds themselves...and hopefully so will he...

Set boundaries of not getting engrossed and emotionally attached to blame he lays on you...
nagging etc...listen to his concerns....change what you can about his perception...even if it comes with consequances...but the more you can give this a try with care and concern and grace the more you are in control..

set boundaries not be the brunt of all that is wrong in his life...model appropriate actions of taking responsibility and seeking forgiveness for those transgressions you did...(we all do)...but boundaries to not become the blame for every dark cloud over his head..

He is responsible in this world as we all are...

You have other options...you can rally and rage and rant....
And you like all of us can get caught up in the drama..
Or you can choose a path of less chaos...and maybe show him you becoming who you really want to be......

sorry for the ramble...hope this makes sense...it's 4:30 in the am and I am on my way to work and the caffiene has definately not kicked in yet...

ARK

hoping, ark...
thank you so much for replying. I am pressed for time right now, because I just dropped by the apt (am staying with mother now...too lonely). You both gave some excellent suggestions. And I realize this really isn't "Plan B" I am just hyper and upset etc.

I am beating myself up over this...I just don't think he needed to leave the apt in order to see a therapist, or "find himself" - I guess that was his choice to make, and he felt it necessary. I just feel like my world is crumbling. I love him. Even though I am angry with him. I called him last night and he was polite but nonchalant...got into a bit of an argument...then I called back just to apologize and let things go on a good note. Didn't say he loved me, until I said it first. Maybe I shouldn't have gone there. I'm just no good at this. I know I should not have called. I'm a basket case. It's not that I don't want to be alone...I don't want to be without him. I love him. But now I am starting to realize that he really has some inner issues. And maybe I am not the cause, but he still feels he needs to separate for now.

I know I need to work on me. That's hard. Maybe I can gear myself toward that, but right now it is soooo difficult.

Still don't know where he is living. Only contact I have for him, is at his work. And yes I really think his job is one of, if not the, main problems for him. He hates it so much, and hates the people...yet he has a mindset (from his parents) that overtime is good...work more, play none. He even got angry at me when I got laid off after 9/11 and waited a while to find another job...he really judges a person's worth by how much they work.

Rambling again. But thank you very much for replying. I know I need to do a lot of calming down, I need to make him feel safe, and I need to feel OK with myself. Hopefully it will come soon. Right now though it is difficult. Crying on and off all the time. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />