My H, who stumbled back into his A mid-February, denied it, then finally admitted it -- has moved out of our home, at my encouragement. (I realized Plan A had turned into enabling -- plus I caught him in yet another lie.) I wasn't mad, just realized the situation was not going to turn around with him still in the house. He needed a powerful shock.

He moved not to OW's house, but neutral third place. We live in a small community. I am letting people know "My husband has left me for X." Their affair thrived in secret, and I did my best to keep it quiet, hoping it would blow away. Now let it suffer the light of day. Not from any vindictiveness, but more because I'm tired of living in a cave. Plus, if there is any chance of recovery at all, it depends on the affair frying up in the sunlight.

Have I done the right thing? Advice please! H is likely to get angry that I'm not being "discreet," but I don't see how I've benefited from discretion. Some friends are warning me not to burn bridges behind me, in case there's a reconciliation. I understand -- but I do feel that if there is to be a recovery, there needs to be remorse, and there hasn't been so far. He needs to see something. Something's got to change in him, and not-rocking-the-boat doesn't seem like a winning card to me. The woman is not terribly well-joined-up, and it's raising eyebrows that he would choose such a person. Let him see people's reaction to his choice.

Moreover, I have my own sanity to consider. I've been living in a hole. This is not a sad but amicable break-up, this is a knife that was stuck between my ribs four months ago.

This sounds defensive, though I don't mean it to. I'm just trying to lay out my reasoning. What do you think?

AM,
You have no obligation to lie for anyone, or to cover up, and that includes your husband.

If it makes you feel better, I told a lot of people my H was seeing the OW, and the A started months before he left me the first time. (She liked to say 'well, he's separated and getting a divorce'. He wasn't getting a divorce and their affair was the reason for the separation(s).)

When he really wanted to end the A & reconcile, it didn't keep him from doing so.

Is it burning bridges? Maybe. Is it a natural consequence that his actions are brought into the light of day? Absolutely, and I'm all for natural consequences.

Protecting the WS is NOT the BS's role.

At the same time, do avoid lovebusters when you deal with him--you've got kids, right?. Be polite, dignified.

Go forth with some financial protection, set up an account in only your own name if you can. Don't keep it a secret, just do it. If he says something like you don't have to worry he'll always take care of you...tell him he's done many things that have been unexpected and this way you feel more secure. Make it a security issue, not punative.

Set up a visitation schedule, so he's got responsibilities and obligations. Keep him dealing with the reality of the fall-out of his actions.

Also, some people have found it beneficial to stipulate that the WS doesn't have overnight opposite sex guests while the kids are with him.

A.M.Martin,

Good A should be exposed to survive in the day light, most won't. However you should not bad mouth your WH since most people will try to get the juice and add some sugar and salt to yours. Just keep it "My husband has left me for X." ... no more no less. Find your support from this forum and family member and stay away from opposite sex non family member for support.

You know A will not lastand this OW "not terribly well-joined-up" ... you could out last his A. Remember tough time won't last but tough
people will.

-rh-

A.M.
I think you did the right thing. Its expected that most BS' will have to move to Plan B and it looks your timing was as good as any. Better to cut off contact than allow him to destroy your feelings for him. I also agree that you not hide his affair for him.

<small>[ March 22, 2003, 02:14 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Thanks all.

Lor: His son, who lives with me, is 18. My daughter is 15. Neither particularly wants to see him. I'm trying to relieve him of all responsibilities here -- I don't particularly want him near our house. It will help me to move on. In previous relationships, I think he's wanted to relieve his guilt by "helping," and moving in and out of the family home as if he were still a member of it. I don't want to play that game.

A friend had some words about exposing the A: in a small community, rumors will start anyway. People will wonder "does she know?" "is this what it looks like?" they will fear approaching me, etc. Get the truth out in the open, and rumors won't fester.

Friends say he seems to be doing very well. Frankly, that's discouraging. Don't mean it quite that way. Moving out seemed to cause him real suffering. He's no longer experiencing his contradictions -- so he is happy and has moved on. I think he should be feeling something -- others have posted that I should continue some contact, continue Plan A. But I'll be talking to a complacent wall.

Exchanged emails this morning -- I said from his cool tone it sounds like he wants distance. He said he was trying to consider me, and didn't know what our relationship should be at this point. I wrote back that my feelings were sad, but also very free and happy. Mostly just confused. I didn't mind contact. Also, I have this intuitive conviction that our relationship is not over, all the evidence to the contrary. Was this unwise to put my cards down like this?

Advice?

Redhat suggested no contact. Is that best? I did feel this surge of love for him when he moved out, obviously grief-stricken, but this could get threatened by later insensitivities. Others suggested I continue to Plan A. Easier to do when he is out of the house and not lying to me.

Redhat suggested no contact. Is that best? I did feel this surge of love for him when he moved out, obviously grief-stricken, but this could get threatened by later insensitivities. Others suggested I continue to Plan A. Easier to do when he is out of the house and not lying to me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by A.M.Martin:
<strong>Redhat suggested no contact. Is that best? I did feel this surge of love for him when he moved out, obviously grief-stricken, but this could get threatened by later insensitivities. Others suggested I continue to Plan A. Easier to do when he is out of the house and not lying to me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did I sugest NC ?. I try to tell you to do plan A ! and here is the link to your other thread that I sugest you to continue plan A. Just be patient and let the whole scenario of A play it self out. What you need to do beside trying to understand MB well, you should start looking what ammends you need to take him back. He has to earn his place in the family by promising to do certain thing ... along with it he should also tell you what his punishment if he violates them.

-rh-

Sorry Redhat, it was MelodyLane. Just had a friend over -- told me some background on OW. She's more cuckoo than I thought. This may get strange, fast -- but who can tell?

PS. Re other thread: no he didn't want to go out with me. I was mistaken for now.

PS. Re other thread: no he didn't want to go out with me. I was mistaken for now.

A.M.Martin,

Please concentrate on learning MB, specially on "How A should Ends". Read misapplication of plan A ... do your best to plan A !. I sugest you read Forgiver's thread in JFO. She came here shaken and she is stronger by day and now she is ready to move on w/o regret. She did clean plan A.

For now leave your WH alone and let him find his way back on his own. Make sure you take him back under condition that you set including working on M based on 4 rules of recovery.

-rh-