Mu husband went away to Florida with his two brothers and cousin- all single. I let him go because part of the trip was business- now I regret it.

I realize I have absoultley no trust in him. My son had a sports event yesterday which he was really nervous about- my husband new this and never bothered to call- just to see how it went- tell me he loved me- nothing.

I called him several times early this morning and no answer at his room. At 100 pm this afternoon, I finally reached him- as it turns out his cousin out a suite at another hotel and they all stayed there last night. I am so mad- I am sitting he crying- I hate what I have turned into- I hate the lack of trust. We are in counseling- its just not helping.

Should I ask him to leave- should I try a seperation until he realizes what he needs to do. I could go on with more reasons Why I don`t trust him, but this is just one example.

This is his first time traveling- is it to much to expect a phone call- letting me know he won`t be staying him his room - so don`t worry if I can`t reach him.

Mariet -

I am so sorry to hear about your husbands lack of consideration for you and the way it has left you feeling. You are certainly not alone...in fact if you take a quick look around you will find many here that are feeling the same exact things you are right now. And like you, they to are reaching out for a hand of reassurance. You will find it here!

It is not too much to expect a phone call from him, just as it is not too much for him to make one to you. It's plain and simple consideration. Sadly and unfortunatly your husband seems to have no desire to be the one to provide a sense of security, trust, most of all understanding in your marriage.

As someone pointed out to me yesterday, you're not in recovery if you're doing it alone. If you feel counceling is not helping then you may want to consider "Plan B" as outlined here on MB. In fact, if you haven't done so already take a deep look at the articles and resources on this website...they are incredible! I wish you the best of luck Mariet and know that you are NEVER alone and ALWAYS have access to those who care...right here!

Hi Mariet,

I know exactly how you feel - believe me. I've seen my W dance in the arms of other men in the early hours of the morning. I've left her at 2 in the morning at somebody else's house (yeah, anothe man's). And I've know of her 2 affairs - with supposed friends of mine - and I have to tell you, it hurts like hell. When you crawl into bed alone, all those terrible thoughts, all those nightmares just never leave.

But I've also learnt that it's me that needs to change. It's me that needs to get stronger. And I've been working on this for over 2 years now. I'm still plagued. I still get upset. I still hate it when other men put their arms around her. And I'm still working on me. And at times - re recent post - I think I hate her. I think it's right to leave her. But I stay and I keep on working at fullfilling her needs and working on being a better me.

Nobody here will have an easy answer for you. The basics are all in MB principles. How you live them and make them work for you is up to you. Just take a step at a time. One foot after the other. What you do is break down your actions and how you behave at certain signs or events into simple steps within your plan A. Then follow that.

Whatever happens Mariet, life can be a lot worse and what you have can be saved.

hope you're ok this evening, take care of you,
lots of hugs,

Thanks so much for your emails. I really appreaciate the replys. I am still working on my relationship. Its just that I really don`t like who I have become. I went from a very trusting indiviudal to someone who has no trust at all. My husband just does not seem to understand what he needs to do to restore that trust. I really know he loves me. However, at this time I think I need to look into plan B and see if that should be my next step.

Please- let me know if these are reasonable reuqests:

When he gets back from his vacation/buisness trip, I really want to make it clear to him that I can`t live like this any longer and I need him to move out temporarly until the following occurs.

1) Cell phone bill gets sent to the house- I can open it and look at his calls if I want to. Right now, I am not sure if he pays the bill on line or it gets sent to a PO box.

2) No going to dinner or dinner clubs at night alone to eat. He works late and will sometimes go out to eat and then go back to the office.

3) Guarantee to come home at 6:00 pm at least two days a week during the week and guarantee not to work at least on day during the weekend.

4) Have all credit card bills sent to the house and go over them with me every month.

These are some of the issues I have that have really not been addressed. Especially the cell phone issue. What does everyone think ?

I feel like unless I ask him to leave for awhile to think about these requests then I am not going to get anywhere and still am going to continue to have these trusts issues.

Hi again Mariet,

I really, really know what you're going through and it's ok to feel like that. However, plan B'ing before you've done the hard work that's required of a good plan A is esclating the situation and that might not be what you want to do. Also, consider that making demands of your H, especially of the type you list could be considered major LB's and have the effect of pushing him further away.

It's ok to tell him that you feel insecure about your relationship. Tell him why you feel insecure and ask him if he is willing to help you overcome this. If he agrees then ask him how he thinks he might help?

This is the course of action our counselor prescribed nearly two years ago. She (it was a woman) got me to vocalise my insecurities about our relationship and then we discussed how, by adjusting her behaviour my W could demonstrate her love for me and support our relationship and not undermine it.

It wasn't easy. We covered some difficult ground and got into some discussions about interpretation of actions and that things weren't necessarily the way she'd intended or how they appeared. But, actions have consequences and they do hurt. During the session, both our eyes were opened.

However, it's been a long road, sometimes with major setbacks, and still sometimes (re my last posting) my sensitivities are forgotten.

Don't give up, don't back off and don't demand. Do feel ok about you, do recognise you're feeling insecure and talk to him about it.

take care,

Dear Blown Away: Thanks for your reply. These emails are helping me get through my day. I will read plan A and plan B. However, I think I have already been through plan A. My husband is very aware of how insecure I am. I never used to be this way. Once upon a time, I was a very trusting person.

Its just like I finally had a revelation. As long as he thinks I won`t leave, he is going to continue to take advantage of me. We have three great boys 5, 8 and 10. I so much want to do nothing to hurt my boys. I love them so much. The thought of telling them that we are getting seperated brings me to tears.

However, I just realized. He knows that. He knows how embaressed I will be in front on my family and friends. He knows how I important this is. However, I realized really today, that my family and friends love me and will love and support me through this. I am going to have to get embaressed and have people feel sorry for me.

I really think unless and until I put my foot down and ask for a seperation, his behavior will not change.

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.