I've been in a blue funk since Saturday, when H stood me up on our "date" for the movies because he "couldn't get away from hunting in time." And, yes, he was really hunting with his buddies.<P>I went out to go shopping, picked out a new wedding ring set I'd like to have (knowing there's not a chance in hell that I'll ever get it), stopped at a bar and grill, had a couple of screwdrivers and an appetizer dish, came back to town, stopped at the local bar because I didn't want to be the first one home, had another screwdriver, and then went home. (I was OK, drank Diet Coke all the way home.)<P>H was home when I got there, and we chit-chatted a little. I got up and went to church (he didn't go with me, and I've decided not to push him if he doesn't want to go.). Before I left, he asked me why I had to go to a bar in another city. I told him that I didn't want local people to get the idea that I was "on the make." I told him that I had picked out a new wedding ring set. He asked me if it was one of those $2000 or $3000 deals. I told him yes. Then, he wanted to know why I wanted new rings. I told him that I wanted us to get married again--that I wanted everything new--for him to get down on his knee and propose to me again, a new wedding, a new anniversary, and all the trimmings. His reaction was one of amusement, and all he said was, "I guess you want me to stand on my head, too." I said, "No, I just want to start over, but only if you want to do it, too." Then he said, "Well, when you get home from church, we'll go somewhere and have lunch." I then went to church. I got home, changed, and then he changed his mind about going to lunch. We piddled around the house for a while, and I decided that I could not stand to spend the evening with him watching TV. So, I told him that I wanted to go somewhere, and we ended up visiting friends for a nice evening. It helped get my mind off things, anyway.<P>Yesterday, he worked in our warehouse on some new shelving. I was back there putting up stock, and he kept, "Baby, this" and "Baby, that" until I thought I'd scream. I kept "hearing" him call the Slut-from/in-Hell "Baby." Yes, knowing him, I'm quite sure that he probably addressed her as "Baby." So, I asked him to do me a favor. I asked him to come up with a new name for me that he had never used with anyone else. He asked me why, and I told him that I just wanted my own "name." A while later, he asked me, "What's the deal with this "baby" s***?" I told him that calling someone "Baby" came very easily to him, and I wanted him to call me something that he had never called anyone else. I managed to carry all this off without getting upset and I maintained a nice tone of voice. As I walked away, I looked back at H, and he was saying, "S***!", looking down and shaking his head with a half-way laugh.<P>I'm really having my doubts as to everything.<P>I don't believe my H has told me everything. He told me only as much as he thought he had to in order to get me home.<P>He has told me that he regretted screwing the Slut, and he said, "I apologize." But, he doesn't seem to be very remorseful over what he did. He acts as though it was no big deal, and in fact, has told me that I've blown the whole thing out of proportion. He does not want to discuss anything about it. He thinks that if I've forgiven him for cheating, I should just get over it and "forget" about it. In short, he thinks things should just get back to "normal." I told him that I forgave him for the cheating, but I am really having a lot of trouble with 13 years worth of lies.<P>He is, however, really being sweet and loving toward me, and I am lapping that up like a starved puppy. So, I expect that he's doing as much as he's able to do right now, and I am avoiding lovebusters very well. We go to counselling together tomorrow, and I'm hoping that counselling will help open things up.<P>For the most part, I've managed to deal with my anger toward the Slut. I did visit her grave and called her every name in the book. I was still angry when I got back, but I managed to get over my anger with knowing that she never married, she never had children, and she died young. In 100 years, there will be no part of her left behind--no one who remembers her or cares anything about her life. I feel mostly pity for her now. <P>My anger now seems to be that my H would risk US for five minutes with a cheap slut. I think I'm offended that a cheap slut was able to replace me with my H, even for a few minutes. You would think that he would try to do "better" than me.<P>Well, H has told me to pick out where I want to go for dinner on Friday (my birthday). He asked me this morning what I would like for my birthday. I told him that I would like some nice earrings that won't break my ears out (I'm allergic to some metals).<P>He did ask me yesterday if I thought we were rich, since I was wanting $3000 rings. I told him that I only wanted them if and when he could afford them and wanted to get them for me. I did
NOT mention that $3000 hot tub he's been talking about buying!!!<P>Well, I guess I'm finished venting right now. I feel so selfish and unreasonable right now. My "taker" is out in full force, and it's all I can do to keep her out of trouble. <BR>
