Warning..............long post.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Hiya all! My name is desert gal and I am a newbie to this forum. I have read the newcomers info and have perused the many topics here. I have an h who is going thru an MLC. Got the "speech" last fall ("I love you but don't know if I am committed to our relationship and marriage"), after which I stumbled on his emails that indicated him attempting to have an EA with his female boss (she never encouraged or replied with anything of the sort, this was totally out of character with my h's moral and spiritual core beliefs, and my h still does not know that I have knowledge of those emails), then he all of a sudden H decided to "recommit" to our marriage at the beginning of this year.

His "enamorous emails" to his female boss stopped at the end of November. I have felt shell shocked. H agreed to joint counseling but has trouble following thru with the reading about communication handouts we received.

My H is not a reader (has a reading disability and a very short attention span, OK he has ADHD). I have tried getting audio tapes for us both to listen to on relationship issues. He is reluctant to do that.

But.... I found the marriagebuilders radio site and I have listened, by myself, to the short audios there for about 3 months. I thought they were terrific! I asked my h last night if he would consider listening to 10-15 min. excerpts from there. No comment from him.

I asked again this morning and he said OK. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> We listened to the intro, a 10 min audio tape. He seemed to listen. We talked after about what was said. I was so keen on listening to more but h said he needed some time to think about the intro.

I told him ok and asked when we could listen to the next audio (4 marriage insurance policies). H is working nites and gets off wed morning so probably either wed nite, or thurs, fri, or sat.

This is hard for me because I tend to pursue areas of my interest at the time and am eager to continue that perusal. However, I also recognize that my h needs more time to absorb "new" info. This info isn't new to me and I have to slow down to accomodate my h's pace and that is so frustrating for me!

However, this is not a race to see who "gets it first". I believe that my h feels intimidated by info that is so new to him. I will respect that. In the mean time, it is so hard for me to back off, but I will for his sake.

Sorry this is so long. I wish I had known about this forum 6 months ago. God bless you all and thanks for listening.

<small>[ March 25, 2003, 04:28 AM: Message edited by: desertgal ]</small>

We read several marriage books together. Sometimes silently, sometimes one or the other of us reading aloud. Could you read short bits to him and discuss it afterwards - make it a daily or weekly routine? If you are going to use Harley's stuff, I suggest Fall in Love, Stay in Love.

T/y for your response johnh39. I have tried your suggestions and it just doesn't work for my h. My h works fulltime and has a demanding 2nd part time job that requires travel on his 4 days off from his fulltime job.

The reading to each other is not an option. Been there and done that many times. But I am very encouraged that the short audio clips on the marriage radio site is something my h is receptive to and wants to continue.

Thanks for the book suggestion. I would love to read it. However my h would struggle with that kind of "assignment" and pressure to "perform" beyond what he can do right now.

Take care johnh39 and may God bless you, your w, and family!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Desert Gal,

I'm kind of in the same boat as you. My WH has been having an EA with one of the women on his board of directors and is also going through MLC. We have gone to MC, and are slowly making a recovery. Try to encourage your H to go to MC, often people with ADHD, dyslexia, etc can learn better by hearing than by reading (my sons are both ADHD and dyslexic). If there is any way he can quit one of his jobs to spend more time with you that may also help. Or, if possible, travel with him on his 2nd job. Lot's of time to talk on long trips in the car!!

I'll keep you in my prayers as I feel what you are feeling. You're not alone.

Thanks for your encouragement ISLH. This MLC stuff has really hit here. Looking back I can see so many warning signs. I think my h is coming out of the fog a bit but there are some days that scream, "danger! danger! MLC is alive and well!!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

How long have you and h been in your recovery? Has your h stopped his EA? Your few details about his EA are eerily similiar here. One day at a time is the only way I can get thru things here sometimes. We are in counselling but my h needs time in between to "digest" a different way of communicating and behaving.He is being more attentive and loving towards me and I am grateful for that.

I do have hope and I also will remember you in my prayers as well. Take care and God bless! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Maybe this is not a timely suggestion, but I think that since you already know about the EA, that it might be useful for you to work on providing the opportunity for your H to share that part of his life with you, so that it doesn't end up being a permanent wall between you two.

Sure you could share it later, but these things have a tendancy to tear down a lot of work that was built up. And you'd also be hiding from him the fact that you know - which might have an affect on him.

desertgal,

My husband is also not a reader, finds himself struggling and then gets himself frustrated, he has never had the problem investigated.

The way we got around that was.. for me to read then make short point sentences in a word doc for him.

then each Thursday afternoon for about 15 minutes often a lot less, he would sit and could take in the shorter , more pinpoint statements without the added extra he wasnt capable of absorbing. Maybe thta is worth a try in you and your husbands situation??