3 years ago I came to this forum after I learned of a 1 year affair my wife was having with a co-worker in another city that she traveled to each week as a consultant.

I confronted her and did the plan A approach. It was very difficult times and she assured me it was all done and we have moved on. We went to counseling and I felt we went to the next step and life was ok. Of course none of this was easy and was filled with all the problems during Plan A.

I recently learned that it never stopped and she's been living a double life, weekdays with him, weekends with me. He has no idea about me, and vice versa.. till now. This has been happening in every way - She lives in his appartment,

We both are absolutely shocked and have compared notes on how we've been deceived deeply for these 3 years, especially financially.

She's talking about having babies now with me, life is hunky dory.. and she's talking to him about picking out wedding rings and eventually having kids at the same time. She's well integrated into his circle and into mine of course. It's so surreal that I can't even feel emotion.

Now it's time to confront and obviously I cannot go forward with this type of person. I do love her, but love doesn't trancend this kind of deception, in my opinion. Fatal attraction anyone?

Any ideas on how to confront or generally what to do from a legal, social, emotional and whatever else perspective. She knows nothing thus far.

All your input is very welcome.

Karl

I think knowing what the OM wants would be helpful. I'm not sure you would really feel like getting into a battle for your W with the OM. Despite the drama, I don't think it would help your W decide.

Would OM be willing to let the two of you work on the marriage? Ideally, I think you would want a situation where the decision is simple for her so that the two of you could see if things are recoverable. And if OM breaks it off, then you have a lot fewer things to be anxious about.

Anyway, that's one of the first things I would do since it seems kind of easy to get out of the way and doesn't involve confronting your W yet. But understand that OM has in own interests in mind so take his trustworthiness in mind.

One additional comment. It's good that things were honky-dory since it's an indication that your W liked her marriage and would be willing to work it out. But that capability to live a double life for so long is really, really, disturbing. That seems to be a slightly less common tendancy among women and may be indicative of some serious issues. Good luck.

Dear Karl

What a dreadful story, and I am so sorry to hear of your WW's continued betrayal and the pain you must be feeling.

I wish I could give you some good advice, but feel very lacking at times like this. There are however a couple of things I would say

1. Get some professional IC for yourself. I can't imagine how this must feel for you.
2. Could you take legal advice, just to find out how you may stand if you decide to separate etc? This is something I did and helped me to understand my situation in a practical way irrespective of the emotional upset.
3. Take your time about how you deal with this. You must have been in the most awful turmoil, and you don't want to do anything that you may later regret.
4. Look after yourself by whatever means you have to - if you get depressed, get some anti-d's, if you're an exercise freak do more, if not, start doing some, eat well, try and sleep and rest as you need to.

I guess it is silly to even ask if you are 100% sure that you cannot continue this M - is it absolutely out of the question. What about the OM though? You may not have addressed it with her, has he?

Keep posting here, this will bump your message up too, and hopefuly some people will come along to give you some good advice.

Take care, keep looking after yourself.

Lisa

<small>[ March 25, 2003, 10:13 AM: Message edited by: Lisa in London ]</small>

OMG Karl!

What a story. I can certainly understand why you are ready to end your M. I do not see how trust could EVER come back after what you have been through.

IMHO, you need to act fast. Get legal help ASAP! Since there is another person involved that could 'spill the beans' to your W you need to protect you, the kids (if they are present), and financial assets. If OM tells her that you both know, she may do something...take the money, take the kids, etc.

Take action now! Move the money, get legal paperwork filed to ensure custody, etc.

I would not confront her until all this work was done first. When backed into a corner you never know how a dual personality will react.

As always, JMHO.

Good luck and pray for your wife and kids(?).

Gib

Karl,
She must be an excellent organizer, for you not to call her at the OM's place, or the OM to not infringe on your turf. I just can't imagine how she kept both of you in your places without overlap and neither of you suspecting, usually the OP knows, just to make it a little easier to manage... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> .

Well, I can see why you wouldn't want to go forward with her.

I think legal counsel is imperative.

Open a financial account only in your name. It's still a marital assest for divorce but she can't then clean out all the accounts. Collect all your financial data, assets, her assests.

And, when you are ready, if the OM hasn't already told her, just lay out the facts and the oncoming divorce.

Karl I'm glad that you took my advise and posted your story here in the general question II board. As you've already seen, the folks here have started giving you great advise to help you cope thru your ordeal.

Karl, if your WW truly cared about you or the OM, she would have decided for one or the other some time ago. But since she has not let go of you and her OM, it is obvious she is a cakewoman who enjoys having two men in her life.

Since you are here I'm going to assume that you love your WW very much and want to save your M. BUT even so I would recommend that you abstain from having sexual relations with your WW, not just to protect your health but to protect yourself legally if she does become pregnant and there is a question whether the child she would be carrying, is yours or the OM's.

You also need to be honest with her and tell her that you know the truth. But be ready for her attempts to blame you for her continuation of her A. You may share half of the responsibility for the condition of your M, but she is solely responsible for her choices that not only led to her A but also her choices to deceive you and continue with her A.

She MAY have some issues that might precede the M, in which case no amount of satisfaction of her EN's is enough to not stray outside the M. She needs the services of a good IC and MC to discover why she is so willing to live a double life.

Thank you for all your comments.

The OM and I are planning to confront her very soon together. There will be no circular reasoning like this.

I can't possibly explain to you how this feels. When I say she's been living a double life I mean in every possible way right down to decorating and lifestyle.

I feel like such an absolute idiot. I trusted her after the first A and moved on permitting her to do her consulting and travel etc.. pure trust. I've learned that the last 5 months she told me she had a new gig and in fact she did not and was continueing to live with him while he gave her tons of $$ to support her various material habits.

She has serious shopping and money issues and i clamped down a long time ago.. so nothing flows without me knowing it.

I am arranging my personal issues now. Upon confronting her I suspect she will go insane.

I am worried about my assets of which she has never really contributed anything and I have a loveable cat that I want to keep..

The fun begins. The issue of remaining composed is a big one.

Pray for me!

Hola Karl....

Just a super duper quick suggestion, Hon.

If you and wife are intimate after this confrontation (sounds strange, I know, but it happens all the time), please please be sure to use protection.

Considering your wife's plans to have babies in the near to immediate future, you certainly don't want to bring a child into your world or marriage in the state it is now, right?

Lv,
Jo

<small>[ March 25, 2003, 02:40 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

I'm still curious. What are OM's goals? Is his goal to have W stay with him? Or are the two of you going to dump her together? Something else? Of course, you don't have to answer, but it might help with the suggestions.

Truly your story is unbelievable. I would suggest strongly that you immediately contact a lawyer to protect your assets. I would move for a divorce immediately after the confrontation. I don't see how you could perceive your life with her to be anything but a big lie. I do not think she will go insane. I think she will continue this behavior with you or someone else. A person that can so easily lie to you and do what she did and is doing to you is beyond contempt. She is poison. I predict that she will beg the person who has the most money to remain with her.
What a horror story for you but at least this story will come to an end and you will be able to look for a future with someone else who will love and respect you and believes in the concept of a marriage and committment. I wish you luck.

Once again, thanks for all your input.. I truly read everything!

to answer your questions, the OM wants nothing to do with her and is pushing to drop her ASAP. He's furious.

I on the other hand have many more issues due to being married and frankly this is not real to me yet. I am going to witness first hand the appartment and stuff per se. Then we are discussing how to confront. I have much to do.

It's so unreal though.. I am trying hard to act normal while she plants flowers in our garden, talks to me about kids, makes super, kisses me good day.. asks about my day. I mean this is surreal for me.

She's like the perfect wife when she's with me, and yet if this guy is 100% telling the truth then the whole thing is psycho.

How do u all think the best way to deal with this is? should the OM and I do it together? alone? etc..

Karl

Wow Karl, my heart goes out to you. It's got to be hard to take when she plays the role of the pleasant and happy wife when she's with you.

I'd say your best bet is to confront her together, so you don't have to waste time having a chronic liar continuing to deny it all.

Is there some friend or relative of hers that lives nearby that she could move in with if this really results in a nasty blow-up? Somehow it seems logical to me for you to tell her to leave, unless you choose to work on the marriage.

One word of caution, this site's primary purpose is to save marriages. You will likely be encouraged to save your M, even if your gut instinct is not to (which it sounds like it is). Make sure you do what's right for you, not what others who haven't been down your road may think is right for you.

I agree with the others about consulting a lawyer asap, preferably before you confront your W. Educate yourself about all of the possibilities if you can before you confront her.

I also agree about the "no unprotected sex" idea. You don't want to bring a child into this mess.

Good luck and take care,

Jen

<small>[ March 25, 2003, 05:58 PM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

You have the misfortune to have married a nut. Get rid of her.

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 05:17 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

This is probably one of the most extreme cases of an affair posted on this board.... WS *tend* to keep different worlds, yes, they *tend* to live different lifes, of course... but to this extent?

I mean, this is wayyy off. I'm not an MD, but this looks like a split personality, a schizophrenic behaviour to me.

One thing is certain: your wife needs professional help. Both OM and you should send her to see someone asap.

Good that you can talk with OM about it.... of sorts, you are both victims.

I have one word for you....ESTROGEN....

Get rid of this wack job!

Hi Karl,

It's not so crazy. My now ex did the same thing. He was working at a job where he was gone for 10 days and home for 4.

I know what you are going through. And I know how awful it is.

You do have something on your side that I didn't though, because Bimbette wanted to keep my H, and since you say OM is ready to drop your wife like a hot potato - well, if you decide that you want to work to get your marriage on track you have that going for you.

You aren't nuts, and you aren't stupid for not noticing. He called me all the time, and returned my pages promptly. There were no clues, things were fine at home - sex, talk, kids, our life....

People are correct here when they say no unprotected sex. You don't want to add some twist you don't need into the mix. One thing at a time.

I'm sorry you are going thru this. It makes you doubt your sanity. BTDT.

Keep us updated, I'll be watching.

Hugs,
E

Ditto on the unprotected sex remarks. But are you certain she's not already pregnant? Might explain why she suddenly "wants" to have babies, either with you or with him.

You mentioned money/shopping issues. I have heard of true shopping addictions. Do you think she could have one of these? If so, of course she's with him if he gives her money to feed her addiction.

I'll go one step further with regards to the sex issue and recommend to you to have NO MORE SEX with your WW.

The only safe sex is the one where one or both spouses have been sterilized. Since this is not the case, the risk of pregnancy is still there, no matter how small. An innocent child, with no control over her/his life, would be the ultimate victim if you and her were to divorce later on. An she would still be a part of your life, for at least two decades, until said child would comes of age.

As stated by others, your WW is in need of some serious counseling. If she refuses to see the truth, then you have a woman that will not change and you will be responsible for your own choice in continuing your marriage with her. Hopefully she will admit to having a serious problem and agree to therapy for not only her sake but for yours as well.

ditto, ditto, ditto

No more sex. Period. "Who's the Daddy?" is the obvious result.

Start now segregating your liquid assets with the expectation of divorce. The aliens experimented on her BIG time and there may be no recovery possible. Cut your losses.

The most humane thing you can do may be to go through with the joint confrontation (after obtaining legal advice). Not doing so may deny her seeing the consequences of her illness and prevent her from getting help.