I wrote this e-mail for my husband, I will never send it, but I needed someone to see it I guess:

I love you, xxx.
I feel very afraid to tell you anything about what's going on inside me, you see my smile and you hear my words of love, they're true, but there's more inside me that I can't share. You said you didn't want to hear anything else about thoughts I have about her, or running into her, or my pain, or anger or depression if it can be related to you and her. It makes you feel attacked and guilty and makes you want to draw inside yourself and draw away from me. I want to be close to you, but fear you will never give me the chance to know the real you. I read the e-mails between you and her again today to see if I could figure out what she gave you that I didn't. Other than some "witty banter" and some flattery, and some sex which I do give you and did, I found nothing. And can only draw from that, you wanted someone else, someone different and someone who definetely was not me.

I feel alone and scared and afraid there is no one to talk to who knows me. I don't want to
talk to my family for fear it will put some distance between you and them, I don't want to talk to anyone at work because you already feel ashamed to come there because they know about the affair. I do talk to my counselor, but she doesn't really know me intimately.

I want to be close to you, to know that you love me completely and that you don't want to be with me out of a feeling of honor or even godly morals. I want you to need me and want me exclusively because you enjoy being with me and I make you happy and that you truly love me.
I know that you are happier alone and that though you'd never admit it to me, if I died and as
gone and you had no guilt that this would truly make you happy.

I feel useless and worthless and that I will never do anything right or good enough. I want to be different, I want to be someone else, I don't know how to be. I can't tell you any of this.
I have no one to be my soulmate. You took your soul and gave it to someone else. I feel
betrayed. You gave her something that was ours, you joined her with me and me with
everyone she'd ever been with. This hurts so much, It hurts so much, because I never, ever
believed you would betray me and because you continue to try to make me feel guilty. Or just
try to make me feel everything on my own and do nothing to ever again try and share this pain that you caused me.

I guess it doesn't matter now, nothing will ever be the same. And I will never be the same. I
love you now more than ever, but the tragedy is, I know now that you don't love me as much
as I always believed you did. That no one could ever take your love from me. I shouldn't be
surprised, I've always been very foolish.

But, I am an amazing actress, I will continue to work for my Oscar.

I am WW. Sometimes stuff just happens, no planning and no blaming. I know I did not ever mean to hurt my H. I can never undo what I did, but it hurts me so much when I see him hurt. It hurts so much that I really don't want to talk about it, because I know that it is me, I hurt him! I do know that he is a much better person than OM. I really don't want him to change and be anywhere close to OM. I love him and was just in the "fog" for a long time. Please tell your H how you feel, if you know that it will make him withdraw, then do write it to him. Tell him what you would like him to do to make you feel better without blaming him or even referring to OW, maybe he is having a hard time dealing with stuff himself as very few people stay with someone because of honor and godly morals, people are usually way too selfish for that if I dare say so. I am so sorry that you are hurting and don't have a soul mate to share things with, I'm sorry because I recognize all your feelings in my H every day and I am so sorry for the pain I caused. I do pray things work out well for you.

Dear Tired,

Your letter expresses deep and understandable pain, something akin to my own experience. This is most probably the worst thing that has ever happened to you. You express the feelings of most BSs most eloquently in your post.

But.... I have gone back to read your previous posts and it seems to me that you might be overly pessimistic about your situation. I did detect some really positive signs for your M, but it looks as if your first order of business should be to strengthen yourself - perhaps a good IC?

I don't really have opinions or advice for you; that I will leave to more experienced members of this board. As a BS I can sympatize with your feelings, but I can also tell you that the sun can shine again (see my nick) and that the pain diminishes with time. Hang in there.

Good luck and God Bless

SB

Thanks for your replies.
I just don't know how you get past feeling betrayed and angry, when they seem happy and are getting everything they want, but you are still dealing with all the pain and doing it alone. It's like they are being rewarded for having an affair, but you are being punished! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Tired,

You feelings are valid &#8211; anger, revenge, hurt, loss of trust, all of that horrible mix. Reread your previous thread, I think you had some wonderful advice and opinions there.

One thing that helped me personally was to read as many posts as possible from WSs. This gives you the perspective from their side and helps you to understand the conflict of emotions that they are subject to. If you do love him, you will know that your H is not evil incarnate, he is a human being with human foibles who has made a huge mistake. Give him the benefit of the doubt and give it time.

Now, get out and do something violent to get rid of that anger - but not to H, even if you want to... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God Bless

SB

I can relate to your feelings that you have no one to talk to about this. Its hard not to feel jealous when you know they have each other to still talk too about the Affair and you do not. I have been keeping this feeling inside for almost two years. but there is nothing to keep you from talking your head off here. Oh Yeah, it does get better, slowly, but better.