My wife spent the night here last night for just the second time since D-day. She wanted to try this and see how it went. We watched a movie together and fell asleep pretty early. Today she got a phone call and when I went in to check on her she was a little upset. She ended up leaving pretty quickly after that. I've been doing very well emotionally but that hit me a little harder than I expected. She talked to her Mother and said this would be a lot easier if the OM wasn't trying to hang on to her so much. I'm concentrating on the good things that have been happening lately but I wonder how long this will go on. I suppose this is a fairly common thing for WS to go through but it's hard to deal with sometimes. Her comment to her Mom makes me feel like his feelings are stronger than hers at this point but I don't know. Anyone have any ideas or comments?

<small>[ March 28, 2003, 12:40 PM: Message edited by: starman ]</small>

You have got to give her credit for trying. It would be so easy for her to give up and yet she is finding the courage to actually do something to rebuild the M. Thank her for her efforts and validate her feelings by acknowledging her hardship. Could you do something she likes that would cheer her up? if you do, then do it because if she happily responds to your efforts to bring a smile to her face, you will start being associated with happy times, not sad ones.

starman,

I completely concur w/ 2MuchCoffeeMan, but also do something good for yourself. It sounds like this is a very touchy time where a lot hangs in the balance. Make your W smile but also make yourself smile too. Keep strong and balanced.

-Luki

I found out that a friend of my wife's had stopped by the OM house yesterday and there was a note there from him telling my WW that until she was able to decide what she wanted that he thought they should not see each other anymore. That is what made my wife upset yesterday. She did go over there for a while but is still staying at her Mom's in the evening. I will take your advice Coffeman and Luki. I'm going to tell her how proud I am of her and the effort she's making. She struggled a little bit yesterday with the letter but seems to be okay with things today. Any other advice?

Warning: Ladies do not read the following post if you are easily offended. It is not intended as stereotyping all women, but as anecdotal observation from your humble servant. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

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Yeah, but this may be harder on your sanity than d-day. Go shopping with her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> (I can hear the shower scene shrieking music from Psycho in my head <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) and try to truly be interested in what she is doing. Hey don't knock it because it's been not only my experience but other buddies of mine as well, that IF your woman loves to go shopping and you (patiently and lovingly) show genuine interest in what she is doing, the deposits on her love bank are huge. My fiancee has said to me that she thought that men who show interest in going shopping with their wives or girlfriends, did not exist on this planet. She was pleasantly shocked to find a man (moi) that did. So IF your W is a woman that loves shopping, then you now have something that can help your M move forward.

Great idea Coffeeman! My wife is definitely a shopaholic. Just my bringing it up may cause her to lose conscieousness, so I'll make sure she's sitting before I bring it up.

That is a great idea! I would include a stop at a store that your interested in to make you happy as well. I am a consumer electronics junky myself but I tend to also fancy stores like Victoria's Secret. After that store I am so dis-oriented I can't find my way out of the mall. Doh!!! Did I just say that!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-Luki

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but I tend to also fancy stores like Victoria's Secret. After that store I am so dis-oriented I can't find my way out of the mall. Doh!!! Did I just say that!!

-Luki.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amen to that brother. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My wife came over yesterday and was very depressed. She seemed almost angry at me but I know it has something to do with OM. She was gone most of the day but ended up calling me at about eleven last night and asked if she could sleep over here. I said sure but was a little surprised that she did. This morning she was still acting very distant and so I asked her if there was something I had done to make her angry. She said no, that she just needed some space to "deal with some other things right now". So I gave her just that and figured I wouldn't ask her to do anything with me this weekend. Should I just play it cool like this for a while and wait for her to come to me? I want to give her all the space she wants but don't want to come across like I don't care about what she's going through.

My vote is that you still ask her to do something fun. The worst thing that could happen is that she says no. At least she knows you are available for her.

Just a thought. You know best.

-Luki

I don't get the impression from the text that you are seeing this as withdrawal. Whether you are or not, it seems that you could get some of the info you are seeking by reading up about that. I apologize if I'm way off - I couldn't find a recent thread on where you were at (too impatient).

I actually went shoe shopping with my W when she was in withdrawal. It was very helpful for her. She still relapsed big-time, but I really felt like I was the only (straight <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) man in America who had done this and actually enjoyed it. Even return a pair for her. Even though my W was still not at the "kissing" stage w/ me, the effort made an impact.

Getting back to you...here's a quickie on advice:

Encourage her to share her feelings w/ you. (It will probably cut you like a knife but there are benefits)

Meet her ENs

Think about decadent stuff. Stuff like clearly non-sexual touch therapy; nice food. Bring home a nice brownie. When she asks, mention that it looks good and you got it. If she asks for a bite, feed it to her. If she doesn't say some nice tease about how she really wants it. (Assuming she likes chocolate. i.e. she is a woman)

Provide tiny opportunities for her to make things better with no pressure. It could even be "Would you (WW) let me (BH) massage your feet?" Her allowing you to do something might help both of you.

Don't be too cool. It will probably help her a little bit with withdrawal if she can see how you are hurt, but how you are strong-willed enough to deal with it. Rock weathering the storm model, I guess.

<small>[ March 28, 2003, 01:35 PM: Message edited by: est ]</small>

I agree with Luki and est's ideas because remember that whether she likes it or not, she can not help but make comparisons between you and OM, and if you begin to outshine OM thru your plan A, eventually she MAY realize what a fool she was for falling for a loser like OM.

Like Luki said to you, you loose nothing by suggesting you two go shopping. If she tells you no thank you, just gracefully accept her rejection of the idea. Who knows, she might change her mind and decide that going shopping is an excellent idea.

And est is right on the money when he said to you to encourage sharing her feelings with you. Right now she needs you more as a friend, than a H. Validate her feelings by saying to her 'I want you to know, that if I was in your shoes I would most likely be experiencing the same exact things you are experiencing at this moment' and you will likely see a woman that embraces you for being so loving, patient and understanding of her emotional plight.

Remember, you can't win the lotto unless you buy a ticket. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks everybody, I will take your advice. I had a hard time with this for a while even though I knew it would happen. It p****s a BS off big time when they have to watch the WS having such a hard time trying to let go of the OP and worrying about their feelings so much. Especially when you have to look at your kids and know what they've been going through. But I'm over that now and am back in control.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by starman:
Thanks everybody, I will take your advice. I had a hard time with this for a while even though I knew it would happen. It p****s a BS off big time when they have to watch the WS having such a hard time trying to let go of the OP and worrying about their feelings so much. Especially when you have to look at your kids and know what they've been going through. But I'm over that now and am back in control.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Consider that what you are doing takes cojones that many other men don't have. It's easy to run away from a problem than to face it and deal with it.

You wouldn't be doing all of this work if you didn't think she was worth it. You remember a woman who was warm and loving with you and the kids. You miss that woman but you see that there exists the possibility of her returning and being your W once more. And for that reason, you fight the good fight.

My husband makes huge love deposits by going shopping with me.

It turns out that he has excellent taste in women's clothing ad knows exactly what he likes and doesnt like. So he makes deposits by going with me, and it helpsl me fill his need for attractive spouse by knowing how to dress in a way that pleases both of us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband makes huge love deposits by going shopping with me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">See what I mean? We've got a real flesh and blood woman corroborating what we already know. So whip out that plastic and shop til you drop <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />