I am new to Marriage Builders, and have been reading the forums for about a month. I keep reading about the fog of an affair, and how once the fog has lifted the spell is broken so to speak and the WS will see the OP for who they really are/are not.

My question is this. All this talk I read on Marriage Builders and on this forum seems to assume that all affairs take place in a fantasy world, and that once that fantasy is broken the WS will return home. Is it not possible that some affairs take place because the WS truly met someone they love, and love more than their spouse?

Thanks,
Okie

Hi Okie73,

different people have affairs because of different reasons. So I guess it really depends. I don't think that all people that have affairs and come out of their fog will return home. But I also don't believe that the Affair partners will end up "Happily ever after".

The only problem here is that the person having an affair will never realize what the actual problem is/was and he will do it over and over again.

This is why I don't believe that an affair is based on "true love". It is based on lies, secrets and lots of pain.
The statistics also say that almost NO affair relationships have a "Happy ending".

When two people are involved in an affair, they are just doing a good job fullfilling a few Emotional Needs and this is what makes them feel "In Love".

If the WS would be fullfilling his spouses needs the way he fullfills his affairees needs, I'm more than sure that they too would feel that this is "True Love". But since he is putting all his energy into his affair, he is getting his Needs fullfilled from his affair partner and not from his spouse.
(hope that made sense)

I too believe that an affair is "fantasy" because you don't have to deal with the "Everyday Reality".

If the affairees were living in reality, they'd have to deal with the daily problems of life, but they don't.
They'd have to deal with children, cleaning the house, paying bills, washing clothes, cooking meals and and and............
But they usually only deal with fun things and this is for sure not reality.
It's only a very small part of what our life consists of.

Reality would ruin the "excitement" of an affair, that's for sure.

So altogether, I think that if you only know the "Shiny Side" of someone and you think this is "True Love" you are only fooling yourself. And when 2 people are involved in an affair they will hardly show their "negetives" or??
This only happens when "Reality" hits and when you have to deal with all sides of life.

I can only say what happened in my situation and I know it is not unique. When I found out about my H affair, he was shocked about himself!!!!!
All of a sudden it was no longer "True Love" and he wanted ME! I didn't force him to stay and if he had wanted to leave, I wouldn't of made it difficult for him. It was his decision.
And from what I have heard and read, this is not very unusual.
Once the "Secret Little World" of the affairees is discovered, they hardly ever stay together. And if they do, it hardly ever works for the affair partners.
So if this was really "True Love" it sure didn't last very long, did it??? OW and WS felt so in Love and they felt that they were soul mates. OW felt so special and so precious. They both felt so much for one another.
If this had really been what they thought, why didn't they just go for it???? Their fantasy bursted as soon as it wasn't a secret anymore, that's it! If my H really had "loved" OW more, why is he still with me???? I surely didn't force him to stay.
And my story is far from "fantasy" it's what happens in "Reality".

take care
bb

<small>[ March 26, 2003, 09:09 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

Well okie...

you said... I keep reading about the fog of an affair, and how once the fog has lifted the spell is broken so to speak and the WS will see the OP for who they really are/are not.

Well that's not what people are saying about the "lifting of fog"...it is not like you said directed necesarrily personally at OP...but it is directed at the nature of the bigger picture of the relationship....

And regardless of love it is a relationship based on a lot of negative things...
deception
secrecy
obtained at a price that causes pain to others.
sometimes monetary fraud
and cliches and sayings often exist for good reasons...usually because they true...and there is that old saying...

love is not enough....

I don't think people would dispute that the feeling of "love" can/does/ and may exist between a married person and an OP...
but I would despute the depth of that love....and the ability to love freely...which a married person is not able to do...

love is a verb...and the words to describe it are usually verbs as well...
to love is to nuture, to care for, to tend to, to be there for when ever...not just M-f or when BS is away...
love is being free to financially share with the other...not when all other commitments are met...or even worse neglecting innocent spouses and children all for the sake of the WS and OP "love"...not a very attractive trait...

love is going out together in public with friends, family, and sharing with others...
love is spending holidays together....
do I need to go on?...

The fog is a description in believing that a huge depth exists between the WS and OP when in reality it has been tested by very little and the relationship is based on a pretty shallow existance.......

Often it exists only between the OP/WS...

And this usually turns out to be true...that in very few affair relationships really do survive...

Is it not possible that some affairs take place because the WS truly met someone they love, and love more than their spouse?

Well we don't really meet people and bang fall in love...nope we expend time energy and emotion that brings us there....spend that time energy and emotion on other than a spouse...and wallah "love"...spend that same time, energy and emotions at home with the spouse...and wallah...LOVE....works both ways....not quite some star crossed soulmate chance of a meeting as often desired to be...(rationalized) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have mentioned in a lot of my posts that Dorothy went searching all over OZ for what she had at home the whole time....affairs are sometimes like that...

and logically if a person can fall in love more with an OP...then they can just as easily fall out of love with the OP...since that's what happened to spouse....and back in love with their spouse...logic rules

love is not enough...it's not enough in marriages to love eachother only and neglect the verbs that are needed to be loved and feel loved....
and love is not enough in infidelity for the same reasons....
words are words..it is actions that matter...
ARK

Hey okie,

where are you from. I'm from the NE.
I agree that people in affairs think they are in love. Its the excitement. They need to remember that at one time they felt that excitement with the one they are married to and start w/ that to figure out what went wrong with their partner. If the marriage truely can't be fixed. at least they can keep from making the same mistake twice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by blondblossom:
<strong>Hi Okie73,

different people have affairs because of different reasons. So I guess it really depends. I don't think that all people that have affairs and come out of their fog will return home. But I also don't believe that the Affair partners will end up "Happily ever after".

The only problem here is that the person having an affair will never realize what the actual problem is/was and he will do it over and over again.

This is why I don't believe that an affair is based on "true love". It is based on lies, secrets and lots of pain.
The statistics also say that almost NO affair relationships have a "Happy ending".

When two people are involved in an affair, they are just doing a good job fullfilling a few Emotional Needs and this is what makes them feel "In Love".

If the WS would be fullfilling his spouses needs the way he fullfills his affairees needs, I'm more than sure that they too would feel that this is "True Love". But since he is putting all his energy into his affair, he is getting his Needs fullfilled from his affair partner and not from his spouse.
(hope that made sense)

I too believe that an affair is "fantasy" because you don't have to deal with the "Everyday Reality".

If the affairees were living in reality, they'd have to deal with the daily problems of life, but they don't.
They'd have to deal with children, cleaning the house, paying bills, washing clothes, cooking meals and and and............
But they usually only deal with fun things and this is for sure not reality.
It's only a very small part of what our life consists of.

Reality would ruin the "excitement" of an affair, that's for sure.

So altogether, I think that if you only know the "Shiny Side" of someone and you think this is "True Love" you are only fooling yourself. And when 2 people are involved in an affair they will hardly show their "negetives" or??
This only happens when "Reality" hits and when you have to deal with all sides of life.

I can only say what happened in my situation and I know it is not unique. When I found out about my H affair, he was shocked about himself!!!!!
All of a sudden it was no longer "True Love" and he wanted ME! I didn't force him to stay and if he had wanted to leave, I wouldn't of made it difficult for him. It was his decision.
And from what I have heard and read, this is not very unusual.
Once the "Secret Little World" of the affairees is discovered, they hardly ever stay together. And if they do, it hardly ever works for the affair partners.
So if this was really "True Love" it sure didn't last very long, did it??? OW and WS felt so in Love and they felt that they were soul mates. OW felt so special and so precious. They both felt so much for one another.
If this had really been what they thought, why didn't they just go for it???? Their fantasy bursted as soon as it wasn't a secret anymore, that's it! If my H really had "loved" OW more, why is he still with me???? I surely didn't force him to stay.
And my story is far from "fantasy" it's what happens in "Reality".

take care
bb</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Okie73,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Is it not possible that some affairs take place because the WS truly met someone they love, and love more than their spouse?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is not a possiblity, it is a fact !. When WS are in A they are definitly in-love more to OP then BS unless WS are really a serial cheater. Just for your info, stats don't lie, 5% A ends up in M ... out from those 5% you stack up 50% of M ends in Dv and only 25% M are in happy M, you left only with 1.25% chances to be happy in your "true love" with your "soulmate" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> .

Care to let us know why you are here ?. Are you tanggled up in A yourself ?.

-rh-

<small>[ March 26, 2003, 04:29 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Interesting question Okie.

Why do you ask? Please tell us what brought you here.

Thanks,
L.