I have had all of those same thoughts Jazzey.

Why do I want my wife back after what she has done? After what she has said? She has said things that have made me want to crawl in a gutter and eat a bullet. Will she ever come out of her fog and realize what she has done and said?

I think all of these emotions are normal. I just long to hold her again... but... Will it feel the same to me after what has transpired? I am scared of that too.

-Chris

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JazzeyGirl:
<strong>It hurts him but I feel that all the vows were broken and in doing so our M is also broken. I do not want to hurt him or my D but I want to feel whole again. He asked me last night if I love him. I don't even know if I can answer that. How sad is that. How will we ever recover from this disaster?

HELP! Are these feelings normal or am I going to the extremes with my emotions?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jazzey, Get medication, you need it. Now both of you need to get a MC to help you out. Road to recovery is very narrow. It starts from "How A should ends" then you have to follow the 4 rules of recovery. This storm in life will pass and you could survive this but both of you have to walk through the narrow path of recovey. For some couples they could use do it yourself MBer, specially when both spouse are willing and thereis no lack of communication. For some couples they have to get MB conseling. If you could afford it you should get conseling from MB.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JazzeyGirl:
<strong>I know that we cannot do this alone anymore.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is he open to reading/posting here ? Please wear the wedding ring ... both of you should stop hurting each other. He is home, now both of you could DoItYourSelfMBer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Start with reading and inviting him here, go to library and get SAA & HNHN. Print ENQ, LBQ 2 copy and fill it out ... with radical honesty, discuss it openly. Spend quality time together, walk in the park or just spend time in the hottub ... make it as a habit. Then Radical Honesty, Honest with yourself and him. You should learn that his honesty is not to hurt you but to help this M. You should learn that don't hide your feeling or sugar coated but your honesty is not to get back to him but for the better M.

Both of you are willing and that the only requirement in working on M in MB. Both of you want a happy M, a fullfilling M that last. Don't let it linger no more.

-rh-

JazzeyGirl,
Easy ok. You has been through a lot this far and I understand perfectly your fear. Many questions resonates BS minds ... does WS really love me ? ... could I trust WS again ? ... could I be happy despite of this past A ?. You have to show this post to him and discuss it together. Tell him that he has to find away to show it to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>But there is so much going on that we just do not have the time to work on us. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wrong answer !. Both of you have to find time !. What both of you just tell me is that your work is more important than your M. And for you, your work is more important than your love for your D. Find time. Hope you realize how important male figure (dad) in your D life ... you owe her that much to work on M.

-rh-
NB: Do you know that you are responsible for your H love and vice versa ?.

Hey Jazzeygirl. You're emotions are all normal. We've all felt them and your second D-day was not very long ago at all. I hear you making excuses for your husband putting his work and school before your M. Please understand that you both have to make your M your FIRST priority if you want it to work. I know you don't really want to right now because it still hurts so much but you have to keep trying. If you can rearrange your financial priorities to fit counseling in you NEED to. I say this from experience. My WW and I didn't focus on our marriage the way we should have after her first affair and it led to another one. I kept my priorities on work and taking care of our five kids because it felt right, but I have learned from this site that a happy marriage is absolutely the most important thing you can give yourselves and your D. It is harder in some ways to have the WS at home while you get stronger emotionally. My wife stayed home after her first affair and it was very hard working through everything at first. But over time you will see that it is better to stay together and work through things if at all possible. Good luck to you.

JazzeyGirl,

You need to take a break. I would not call it separation. IMHO, you tell H about your feeling M and his work & M. You need a break !. Tell H that you need 4-5 days break very soooon no bargaining. He has a choice to go or to stay. D has to stay with family member if H goes with you otherwise he could arrange to be mr. mom for those days. Go away from home and your D and daily chores to relaxing place. Find a close by bed&breakfast or ask around for freind/family's cabins or even camping. You will go w/ or w/o H.

Your H is hurting too and don't know how to deal with it ... typical martian. Put his head into the sand holes (work) and hope everything will work out. He needs the break as much as you do.

I recomend a The language of Love, get it from your local library. It is very good communication tools for couples.

2x4 again from me ... Starman also point this one out ... you put $ ahead of M. Life is full of tough decision !. To me I measure your willingness is as low as your H's. Knowing what to do is far diferent than doing it. MC won't do it for you !. You have many people here that would help you DoItYourSelfMBer, as matter of fact this web site has all the tools that you could use. If you don't give time what do you think your M would recover ?. This is a must !!!! in 4 rules of recovery !. Care (check ENQ), Protect (check LBQ), Time (check PAQ), Radical Honesty (check PHQ) ... on top of that MB has financial questionair !.

I quote a message for women from nike ... Just do it !. Don't whine about time ... you don't work 7x24, throw away that TV control, even TV itself. Drop a few hours of sleep if you have too. Don't whine about $ for conseling ... go find free one. There is MC in church ... we do it as part of personal ministry, you don't even have to be a member !. Ask a bit mojo from mojodiva !. Check her post. Many MBer are willing to help !. Where is your H ?. Road to recovery is very narrow !.
ARRRGGGHHHHH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> .

-rh-

<small>[ March 27, 2003, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Hi J,

I understand the state you are in. Here's a suggestion.

Ask your H what he thinks he can do to help you feel safe. You see after all that adrenaline rushing through your body while you were trying to save your M and now that he is back along with the fact that wacko really isn't out of your life yet, you have begun to draw some boundaries and everytime those boundaries are stepped over you get angry. Am I close?

Been there doing that also. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I keep plan B in my back pocket (had to pull it out a few times - not so frightening after the first time) and let my H know it is his job to make me feel safe. Let him know that for 'now' (don't say how long now will last), I will need to check up on him until "I" feel safe.

Seems to be working better. Those slip ups of his are less and his anger is almost gone. When it shows up, my defenses shoot right up. Plan B jumps out and poof..... I start to put up my shield. See I realize I can stop the hurt. It is not his right to push me around. If I do not feel safe and loved, then I have the right to leave. He knows it and it is not a threat. It is reality. His job is to take care of us, show us love, respect and loyalty. Keep us safe.

Hope this helps.

L.

I think you need to give yourself a break too. When your emotions are this strong you need to find a way to get away for a few days every once in a while and do other things.

I had all the emotions that you are going through and still have bad days. Only time really helps. I know it doesn't feel like it will ever get better, I felt so terrible I KNEW it would last forever but it doesn't. You will get stronger.

One of the things that helped me the most was coming to the firm decision that I wanted to try and save my marriage. When I decided that once and for all I was able to concentrate better on moving forward as opposed to dwelling on what had happened. You need to get to the point that you are sure one way or the other what you want and then focus on doing what you need to get it done. It may take a while before you can make a decision like this so try not to put any pressure on yourself while you're thinking things through.

I don't want to keep harping on this but I need to tell you again how important putting your marriage first is (if you decide that's what you want). You said that you feel like your the one putting all the effort in to this and are not happy with your husbands apparent lack of commitment to it and then you turn around and say that your husbands work and school has to come first. This is probably very confusing for him. I know this from experience too. We have five kids and I don't make a lot of money. We have bills coming out our ears like everyone else and my wife would get very stressed about our financial situation. Then at the same time would tell me that we weren't spending enough time together and we were growing apart. I was confused and figured that if I could just fix our money problems that everything else would work out okay. IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT! I know that now and have been finding the time to spend with her and the money for counseling at the same time. If I can do it anyone can. You have to be very clear with your husband about the priorities that are the most important to you and work with him to find ways to make it happen. I hope some of this helps you.

JazzeyGirl,

This is the danger of living in limbo. What both of you are waiting for ?. Do you think it is cheaper to wait until Dv/separated ? Do you know how much lawyer fee, just the retainer fee ?. Down the road, you might have to pay IC for yourself, IC for your kids ... and hope you never have to bail out your kids from the sheriff office. Not to mention your property/resources would be divided !. Do you think this hard ? I have to let go my 2 D every other weeks to my ExW in which OM would be around them. Think again.

You have to solve this and solve it the right way. STOP EVERYTHING IN FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR KID AND YOUR FUTURE HAPPINESS. Do you know that my 15x counseling with SH is not even half of my retainer ...

Get help and do something but not living in limbo.

-rh-

<small>[ March 29, 2003, 06:44 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JazzeyGirl:
<strong>Hmmmm...I am not sure if you read my last post.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I didn't, I had missed it. It seems you H is also trying and willing. My appology. Yes, ENQ and LBQ is the best way to start. Find a good place & time, away from your D to use POJA to discuss and negotiate. Also do recreational activity and financial questionair. The last two are as important as the first two. This is where you will find time and money. You have to learn how to communicate to your H, remember Radical Honesty is one of the four gifts. You have to let your H know about your feeling. Read The Language of Love to help you out, it is very powerfull.

I agree with you about your MC, dump her. You could save time & money do it yourself. Vent here and hang in there. There are many MBer that are willing to help you and they know MB better than I do.

-rh-