Okay any of you familiar with my situation I would really appreciate your input. For a real quick update my WW has moved most of her stuff back to our house and has moved in with her mother after living with OM since December. Over the last couple of days she has been very depressed and has not wanted to talk to me about why. Today she showed up at the house and was much happier and in an almost giddy mood. I have a strong feeling that it's because her and the OM had been in a fight and now everything is better. I put a halt to our legal separation because she started moving my way over the last several weeks. Steve Harley also told me that he thought I should hold off on the separation because it sounded like progress is being made. After watching her behavior these last couple of days I'm starting to wonder. I will be able to find out if I'm right about my feelings and I wanted to know if I'm overreacting. Should I be happy with the progress she seems to be making and keep my cool or is this just a way for her to relieve some of her guilt by moving in with her mom. I don't know what to think. I suppose I may have read too much into her actions and am just having a hard time realizing that this may take a long while yet. Sorry for the rambling.

<small>[ March 31, 2003, 10:50 AM: Message edited by: starman ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by starman:
<strong>Today she showed up at the house and was much happier and in an almost giddy mood. I have a strong feeling that it's because her and the OM had been in a fight and now everything is better.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very likely the case, but remember who you're dealing with - an alien abductee. It's futile to try to figure out what she's thinking. Suffice to say that tomorrow it'll be something different still.

Try not to react to every current in the river. They don't call this a rollercoaster fer nuthin.

Think long range and be mindful of sustained trends - not the ups and downs of the stock market on a day to day basis.

WAT

The good mood my WW was in was very short lived. By the time she got back from shopping with her girlfriend she was crying again. She told me that the OM had told her a couple of days ago that she had to stop seeing me. It was making him look stupid dating a married woman who was still spending time with her husband. Can you believe that!? What a selfish a*****e. She basically told him to kiss off.

That leads to this morning. She called me at six o'clock and told me she was on her way over. She was crying on the phone. Well she's hear now asleep in the bedrooom. Last night my wife and her best friend went out to celebrate her friends B-day. The OM showed up at the club they were at and another big fight ensued. I don't know the details of it all but I have never seen my wife like this before. She cried the whole time she was awake this morning, saying she doesn't feel like she is worth anything or good for anybody. She said she wishes she could just die and get it over with. She finally fell asleep about half an hour ago. I just listened to her and avoided the temptation to comment on the things she was saying. Any suggestions on how to handle this?

Very good turn of events, starman.

A text book story. OM becomes demanding and your wife immediately sees his true colors. Perfect.

Now, the hard part for you. Validate her feelings of helplessness and tell her you understand. You have to be the strong one here and be supportive. Show her your compassion. Yep, this is the opposite of what should be occuring, but use your MB knowledge rather than your emotions.

Keep us posted.

WAT

Thank you WAT. I will do just that. Hell it's not anything different then I've been doing for the last few months anyway! Piece of cake.

Consider checking in with Steve ASAP. This is a major opportunity for you and his guidance can help ensure you not let it slip away.

WAT

My wife just took something to help her sleep and is laying down. I found out that the OM invited his ex-girlfriend to the club that my wife was at also and he made sure that she knew they left together. Nice guy huh? She said she was angry at herself for having feelings for somebody who was so cold and mean. This sucks, but I can't help feeling sorry for her.

I echo WAT's advise.

It seems that the fantasy of her 'soulmate'(oh brother is this one of the most overrated words in the English language <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) is turning into a real nightmare for your WW. He is acting as though he is the BH and you the OM (he's getting a taste of his own medicine. True poetic justice and I love it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).

Don't get cocky and start beleiving that your WW is finally seeing him realistically for the first time. Her crying and saying to you that she doesn't feel like she is worth anything or good for anybody, is indicative that she is still foggy and placing all the blame on herself and none on OM. So don't get your hopes up until she tells you flat out that she wants to come back to you for good and agree to an MB marital plan of recovery (remember you want to avoid a false recovery). Nevertheless, this latest event is indeed a good one and you should celebrate this little victory because it represents another defeat for the A and OM.

<small>[ March 30, 2003, 12:10 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

My wife has been here for the last two days and has been opening up to me little by little. The OM got so angry when my wife moved in with her Mother that the same day he called his ex-girfriend and invited him over to his house. It sounds like that's what really made the lights come on in my WW head. She has been depressed and crying like I've neve seen her before. She has said things like one of the reasons she stayed in the relationship as long as she did was because she got to the point that she didn't think she deserved someone like me. She said she has ruined her life and doesn't know how anything will be alright again. She's so sorry for what's she's done and can't believe I'm treating her as good as I am. This morning she came up to me, put her arms around me and told me she loved me. That felt good and has been a long time coming.

Now this break-up with the OM just happened a few days ago so I know she can't be out of the fog that quickly. I have been letting her stay here because she is scaring me with her extreme emotions. I really think she's a little suicidal right now she is so depressed. I have been supportive and have really got her to open up about her feelings, even those about the OM the last couple of days. I don't know if I should have let her come home without her agreeing to my conditions first but I honestly didn't know where she was going to end up if I didn't.

She is going through withdrawal right now and if I understand how this works she has to get through that before we should even start talking about reconciliation anyway. So do I just help her through this right now and wait until she gets stronger? I assume that as long as I keep a clear head and don't read more into this than it is at this point that I will be okay. Should I bring up IC for her now to help her deal with her feelings, or is it even too soon for that? HELP!

Don't forget my earlier suggestion to invite her shopping. It's a great way to add to her love bank.

<small>[ March 31, 2003, 01:22 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Disclaimer: I have NO experience with recovery.

I suggest again you get on the phone with Steve. I expect he'll advise you to go slow and just be supportive for now and validate her feelings. Provide some reassurance that you care for her and want to help her in any way you can. At some point you'll need to state your desires for recovery, no contact, etc. - but that point may not be until she's stabilized more.
It seems that re-arranging the brains back to their original state off the Mothership is a lot tougher than the initial scrambling up in zero G.

WAT

ditto with WAT's suggestion.

thanks for the help. I made an appointment with Steve for Wednesday morning. Hopefully I'll be able to get a good plan together for this.

I've been thinking recently that it might be helpful to separate a bit the feelings of being "in love" with "fog". In a similar fashion, shaking off withdrawal isn't the same thing as coming out of fog.

I think you came out of this pretty well, all things considered. How much I would give to have a OM that engaged in such disrespectful behavior to my FWS.

Where is your W in terms of agreeing with your conditions? While you should take into consideration your W's feelings as she goes through withdrawal, it doesn't neccessarily preclude seeking an agreement on things like NC. ALready you've been talking about her feelings and whatnot, so obviously R-type talk is fair game for the both of you. Don't push too hard at this point, but it would be an opportunity for your W to achieve some goals. And that might make both of you feel good. (as well as have practical benefits). Also it would provide folks here a good idea of where your W is on working on M. Better info, better advice.

I had a pretty good talk with my WW last night. Some of her comments: I wish I could go back and work on us instead of getting into this mess. I wish I could die and be done with this. Our kids will always look back on this time and see that I was the one that left.

I asked her why she moved in with her Mother before they had there fight and she said it was because she was trying to decide what she wanted to do.
I then asked her what was hurting her the most at this point, because she had been crying again all day and she said the fact that she was stupid enough to give her feelings to the OM. That brought me to reality because I realized what all these emotions were REALLY about. I knew this deep down but it still hurt a bit at the time. You always want to think that they are being remoresful when they are talking to you I guess. Anyway I had just gotten over that when the OM called her. I was out of the room and didn't know he had called. She told me that he did and that there had been some mail sent to his house for her. Well her mood changed dramatically after she talked with him. She was still subdued but the crying stopped and she was able to do some things around the house a bit. Thank God for MB or I would have been totally crushed by this. WS behavior is so bizarre to watch. After telling me that this man had no emotions except for being mean, that he had traits that reminded her of her ex-stepdad who she absolutely despises, as soon as he calls everything is good again! Well I did take this opportunity to do some major depositing in the LB. She was very thankful for how I handled this and helped her these last couple of days. We'll just wait to see how it goes.