I feel like my 4 year old is the reason why I continue to live. My W has made it clear to me that I am an a**hole and that she will never be happy again with me. I hurt so bad inside because I realize what I have done to her and our D. Yesterday we had a great day. Today my W says she wants a separation. I don't want that. I don't really want to live anymore, not without them. I don't have anything to live for anymore. I hate myself and what I have done to my family. I don't know what to do anymore. If anyone has any suggestions, please help me.

More importantly, I guess my W is going to need some help moving on, so anyone out there who can help her please do. She posts as JazzeyGirl.

I'm so sorry sweetie. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I hope you can find happiness for yourself and our daughter. I know you will be happy again.

I can't offer sympathy. Talk of suicide brings about too much anger for me. My mother killed herself when I was 4.5 and my father when he turned 50. If you TRULY love your daugher you'll go get help and get through this. The pain you feel now is no worse than most of us have felt at one time or another. And using talk of suicide to try to win back your wifes affection is a huge step in the WRONG direction. Go see a doctor, call an emergency hotline or whatever. You, and your life, are YOUR responsibility. Your daughter will never see it any other way...I can GUARANTEE you that.

I guess I'm not done....

I scrolled down and read some posts from your W. Do you realize how badly she needs to be able to rely on you right now? Do you realize how much she needs you to be strong and show your commitment to the marriage by being consistant in proving that you will stand by her...ESPECIALLY when she needs to vent.

So she called you an A-hole? Is that really worth running off and doing yourself in for? Maybe you HAVE BEEN an a-hole...heavens knows I called my hubby that on many many occasions. And sometimes I was right, and sometimes I was just being a jerk and trying to hurt him. People in pain do that.

You prove no commitment, no strength, and no responsibility to her or your daughter by posting here for a pity plea. I do feel badly that you are hurting, but from what I read your entire family is going through hell right now. Why on earth would you send them through more?

I think you've got more in you than that. Quit feeling sorry for yourself...get on meds if you can't shake the depression...and put your family back together! Your wife and daughter love you.

One of the concentration camp survivors wrote a book in which he said he learned to ask people comtemplating suicide if there was even a 1 in 1,000 chance of coming out of the situation they were in, and if there was, wasn't it worth your life to hang on? I thought about that book many times in the month after my H broke my arm, when he would come home to swear at me and he even pulled on me and threw me down and I was afraid to tell anyone what had happened because, of course, it was all my fault for not listening when he pleaded with me not to pick up the phone to call this woman who was calling him and it would be rude for him to hang up on her.

Your D deserves a father, even a father who made a terrible mistake. Think of her and what you can give her even if her mother won't give you another chance. As the mother of children as old as a D turning nine tomorrow, I can tell you there are countless joys in raising a child even to that age -- the excitement in learning to read, the joy in leaving teeth under the pillow for the tooth fairy to come, the first day of kindergarten when Annie, our night owl, was up at 5:52!, .... These are joys you haven't experienced yet with your D, and they are in just the next few years! Focus on them.

I know it is a personal story for such a terrible problem, but my D lost her tooth before she could put it under her pillow, so she wrote a note to the Tooth Fairy and it was shaped like a tooth. It read: "Dear Tooth Fairy, I lost my tooth only I didn't relise it at first. I must have come out of my mouth some how. If you don't belive me look in my mouth. (She drew a picture of her mouth). Here's what it look lik before I lost my tooth. Write back please. From Anne"

Yes, I have had a relentlessly terrible year. My H, despite a year of weekly anger management meetings, still swears at me, and I am still not sure I can get over that he chose to go to the park to have sex with another woman and come home and say "She called me and it would have been rude to hang up" -- an utter lack of care for my feelings -- but in that year I had my D write a note to the Tooth Fairy, and that note is in my jewelry box for me to treasure.

Look at what your wife wrote... dated March 29th..
"Thank you all for your input. My H and I had a wonderful day together just the two of us. No kid no stresses. We slept in went and bought some beautiful flowers and went and watch our favorite team (Go Wings). I love that man! I love this household and this family that we have created (together). I just am unsure of living with what the past holds. I know that I want a life with him but I do NOT want a life with the pain that he brings. GET OVER IT... MAKE IT RIGHT WITH YOUR WIFE!!! she wants to obviously work it out... you have to go on and stop living in the past and work on just making you wife and your daughter the center of your world and let them know that every day!!! hope everything works out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I appreciate everyone's thoughts and advice. I want to clarify something. I am not saying I want to "off myself", I am saying that my family (W and D) mean everything to me. My W told me to move out, she wants to separate (for how long?), and that she hates me and that I am an a**hole.

Saturday WAS a great day. I was there and we had a great time. She was happy, I was happy. I felt like I was doing the right things to help her and our M. I have been reading the Bible, lately worked on the ENQ, answer her questions with "radical honesty", etc. Sometimes I think I might not be doing all the right things to help her or our M. Sometimes I feel like there is always something more that I should be doing or something else I should be doing. I know these are all probably normal states of confusion, but I want to do the right thing and everything I can.

I am not making excuses when I say this, but I think it helps me help her when I know what I am doing is either helping or not. Basically, it helps to know what I am doing is good.

I love my wife more now than the day we were married. Between reading the Bible, counseling, and talking with her (she has read a lot of books on A's) I feel like my emotions have finally been fully unlocked. I never really understood much about each other's needs. I also have come to realize (through what she has read and talked to me about) what I lacked when I was growing up. The way things were in my parents' household and how it has molded who I am. There are some things about me that I don't like (obviously the A part) along with others. Now that I understand, I can be the best person possible to her.

I get frustrated because she constantly lives in the past and I want her to be able to stop hurting and I don't know what I can do to help. At least beyond what I do already. Anything sets her spirally back to the past (a VERY hurtful past) and then she wants nothing to do with me and seems to have no desire to work things out with me.

I was able to come home (she says it isn't my home) for the evening after work. For that and the opportunity to see her and talk to her, I am grateful. She says it is just for the night. I think the expectation is for me to stay with my folks when I am not here. She is still concerned about my whereabouts (still out being stupid? NEVER AGAIN !!!!), so I am prepared to camp out in our parking lot so she can look out and see exactly where I am. Sounds silly or childish, but there is no where I want to stay other than my home with my W and D.

Sorry for being long.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want to clarify something. I am not saying I want to "off myself", I am saying that my family (W and D) mean everything to me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thanks for clarifying.

I don't think I've read y'all's whole story, but I've read some of it. Just wanted to offer some of my thoughts.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am not making excuses when I say this, but I think it helps me help her when I know what I am doing is either helping or not. Basically, it helps to know what I am doing is good. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you talked to her about this? I ask this because my H was feeling the same way. He didn't know what he could do to help me with the pain. He asked me he other day what he can do to make me feel better, which is something he hadn't thought to do. Him just doing that made me feel better. I know it's a simple, obvious solution to a complicated problem, but it's a start. Ask her specifically "What can I do to make you feel better?" If it helps any,my answers were 1) I want to feel like you love me, 2) I want to feel like you are here because it is what you truly want.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I get frustrated because she constantly lives in the past and I want her to be able to stop hurting and I don't know what I can do to help. At least beyond what I do already. Anything sets her spirally back to the past (a VERY hurtful past) and then she wants nothing to do with me and seems to have no desire to work things out with me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's sad to realize, but you can't erase her pain. However, you canmake it easier for her to bear. Right now she is grieving--it will take time and you need tobethe most patient, caring, understanding husband you can be. And, like I said, ask her what she needs.

Living in the past--boy have I heard this one from H! Nearly every conversation we have about our marriage. He apologizes and gets so frustrated. For him, the A is over, he's done with her and that part of his life. So yeah, I can see where he (and you?) consider it to be the past.
But it still causes me pain almost daily. And it's not "just" the affair--it's the loss of trust, the insecurity, the lies that were told, the whole other life that the BS didn't know about.

Have you read about the 5 stages of grieving? There's alink in redhat's sigline if you haven't yet. Remember that your wife will go through all thestages, in no particular order, and if she's anything like me she may bounce back and forth between them (ALOT). I swearthe mood changes have been as bad or worse than when I was pregnant! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> It WILL get better.

Please read my post under your wife's thread.

Based on my experience as a BS I believe your wife will continue to "live in the past" until you've both processed your A. Your time schedules may not match.

Our IC and Steve Harley told my FWH that he did this now he had to hang in there and work on my time schedule.

If you want her to heal faster then you need to do everything you can to help her there.

You need to read all the books (don't rely on her reading them, she's reading them from different perspective..Torn Asunder does good job of laying out recovery paths for both BS and WS), you need to read everything on this site, you need to complete all the questionaires (my H did them all in one day...this was something he could control), find a way to get counseling for the two of you individually and together, tell her the truth when she asks...don't try and shield her..don't try to pretty up the truth..don't hide behind a faulty memory (we BS's just don't buy it). I remember posting to you awhile ago regarding how our IC helped my H remember A details more clearly (I wanted both A facts and also wanted to know about his feelings during and right after A).

You did this horrible thing to your W and D...now it's up to you to hang in there and work harder then you've ever worked to make things better for all of you.

Funny thing happens when you start doing all this...my H was consumed with guilt, disgust and remorse...by doing all the above things he learned how to start forgiving himself and how to feel good about himself again...better then he'd ever felt about himself. After all he's learned he's confident he can handle anything life deals out to him now.

If you work hard you can get to an awesome spot!