I am just wondering about something. I have seen many people post that this is a site for the BS. I doubt the Harley’s would agree. I have only been here a few months, yet, many times I have seen a WS, OP, or even sometimes a former OP, now WS, post here and get slammed immediately, so there are many on the board that feel it is the BS’s site (I’m generalizing, not everyone!).

I came here as the WS also and was ridiculed. I guess I must have a stronger stomach than most because I stuck it out. Most I see end up not coming back after the initial anger. I must say, if not for a few (JL especially), I probably would have ended up leaving also. Everyone here agrees that this board is a help to healing their marriage. Why not offer the same help to the WS? Are you afraid of your ‘secrets’ will get out (Plan A & Plan B)?

My questions are this:
1) Most of you are Christians who believe in forgiveness. Don’t the WS’s get the same opportunity? They are HERE on MarriageBuilders. Whatever reason it is that they are here…you now have them in your building…why not try and help them see what life could be like in their marriage? I don’t see many churches laying judgment to sinners.

2) Most of you have also been involved in marriages with affairs. How in the he!! do you deal with your spouse who has had the affair? The way people are dealt with here doesn’t seem real consistent with Plan A. A WS needs to feel ‘safe’ according to Plan A. I know the people here are not the spouse, but you don’t make them feel very safe.

3) Wouldn’t it be good to have some perspective here? One poster I read said (and I am sure it has been said many times before) that there are three sides to every affair. Here, you hear one side. Wouldn’t it help you in dealing with your own relationship to hear where the other sides were coming from? Even SAA talks to all three sides.

This is not in response to one particular thread or post. Just a pattern I have picked up on here. It’s really starting to bug me and I don’t want to loose this site, it has been a great help to me. I just wish it could be to more people.

Spot on, CantThinkOfAName. This site shouldnt be only for BS. It is what it says on the tin - a site to help marriages. However, I do understand where your impression comes from. A lot of people have been hurt here, among them yours truly, and if they see/read/hear the same story happening again, they may have very strong personal opinions. Good or bad? I think that's good - PROVIDED it is delivered in a friendly respectful tone, leaving room for discussion.

OK, I'll say it again. I do not believe this site could be as successful nor even sustain itself without the participation of WSs - both foggy and reformed.

That said, I will pull no punches dealing with either WSs still in the act or those defending their decisions. Same for BSs who need to have a good talking to. The same goes for those making overly broad generalizations about the participants on this forum, and this goes for you, CantThinkofAName.

Can't ~

I recall your posts. You weren't ridiculed. You came asking for opinions, and you got them. You had alot of flaws in your logic exposed, and alot of reality shed on your foggy ideas.

This is a Marriage Building site - so wanting or expecting support for Marriage Destructing behaviors is really pretty silly. Expecting people who want to fix their marriages, who have been put thru agoniziong pain because of their spouses similar attitudes to somehow sugar coat their opinions is a bit much, don't you think?

This site is for everyone who wants to strengthen and build a marriage. There are OPs and WSes here that fit that description. They are welcome.

Can't,

I have been reading here over 4 years and officially registered over 3 1/2 years. K has been here since before this site existed and counseling with the Harley's. Nowhere does it say that this site is only for the betrayed. It says this site is for those trying to improve/save their marriage or even their relationships.

Frankly, I agree with WAT. Some of the most effective people at helping others have been Wayward Spouses that originally came here for help. They got the help, sometimes as WAT said with no punches pulled, and then they "got it." Not only did they "get it" the "got it" better than most people who ever post here and were able to explain things to the newbie's (WS or BS) far better than anyone else. Their insight is invaluable, and frankly I have learned the most from them.

I think what you are reading is posts by people who themselves haven't been here very long and are a bit confused about the purpose of the site. That makes sense. Very few people show up who don't think their situation is unique. After you have been here awhile you realize and see the patterns, the repetition of behavior, even words.

So Can't you are welcome here, you have always been welcome here, and your presence is needed here. As is anyone trying to figure things out and sort out their marriage. One of my all time posters WAS a WS, I quote here posts constantly because they are so illuminating, look up SKM specifically her "Chronicles" post.

So don't worry about some of the things posted. You are welcome here.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks for the replies. All good and I agree. I just want to make a couple of comments.

WAT - I'm sorry about the broad generalization. I realized that I was doing that (and stated it upfront), but I really didn't want to make a 'list' and call out individuals. Ironically, it is the broad generalizations about the 'branded' WS/OP/BS that disturb me most here. I guess you all see patterns which are more often right than wrong, which is all I was pointing out also.

JL - point well taken about the hurtful posts being from people who have not been here that long. I guess my post was directed mostly to them. I was just trying to get them to see that it is NOT helping to run them off.

I guess I just want them to think about the fact that these are real people posting here and if you drive them off, their chances for recovery are not as good.

Think about it this way...for all you know it could be YOUR WS on the other end of the keyboard.